HEADLINE! READ ALL ABOUT IT! BODY OF ICE MAGNATE NOT FOUND IN YUMA ICE! DOLE STILL MISSING!

December 18, 2033: Yuma, AZ—The Yuma County Medical Examiner announced today that the body found frozen in ice at the Yuma Water Refinery yesterday is not that of Charles Dole IV, missing Crystal Lake ice magnate.

“Although we have not yet been able to identify who the body belonged to,” ME Maryanne Lemmons announced at a press conference this evening, “we have been able to determine with 99% certainty that it is not the body of Charles Dole.”

The ME findings indicate the body belonged to a much younger male—probably in his mid-twenties, according to Dr. Lemmons—of African origin. The ME promised further details as soon as the autopsy evidence has been more extensively analyzed.

“I can tell you one thing,” Lemmons added. “His last meal included hummus and more than one glass of wine—Steen, if you want to know. It’s from South Africa, a varietal of Chenin Blanc.”

The doctor concluded her press conference with statistics about the height, weight and various measurements of the corpse.