Roberta Umor, Yuma Sun

24 September 2018: Yuma, AZ — Rioting broke out in Yuma last night for the third or fourth time this year (who’s counting?) after the Bulldozers defeated the Tempe Knights 7-3 in Tempe. Why were YumaYouths taking to the streets after a Dozer victory 186 miles away?

We asked Police Chief John Lekan what he thought had caused the unexpected behavior of the younger generation of Yuman Beings. “The heat,” he said tersely. “It’s always the heat. You don’t see kids in Minnesota or Moscow behaving like this, do you?”

The youth in the streets would have none of the Chief’s theories. “Heat?” one young woman paused in her mad dash down 24th St to say. “It’s always hot. Heat’s got nothing to do with it. It’s them Dozers. The buggers won!” And with that she rushed off to join the other celebrants as they littered the street with discarded french fries and hamburger buns.

“You won’t find anyone throwing out our food like that,” announced Anna, owner of Anna’s Mexican Food. “Our food is good. Everybody eats. No throwing away like this.”

When asked why she thought the youngsters were roaming the streets on this particular night, Anna had no idea. “Who knows why anybody does what anybody does? Except eat. I know why anybody eats.”

A waitress called out an order and Anna returned to her kitchen to assemble another plate of her savory sopas and tangy taquitos. The waitress, Lauraine, had an answer to our questions though.

“The kids in the streets? They’re just happy. Cuz of the Dozers. They won, you know. First time ever, a winning season. That’s something worth celebrating, wouldn’t you say?”

When it was pointed out that the Dozers’ victory over the Knights only guaranteed them of a .500 season, not a winning season, Anna’s waitress pooh-poohed the distinction. “Who cares? It’s not losing, is it? Do you know how long Yuma’s been losing?”

Eleven years, that’s how long the Bulldozers have been losing. Since the inaugural season of the Planetary Extreme Baseball Alliance. Since the beginning of time.

The Dozers were no longer losers.

“That’s gonna take some adjusting to,” said a patron of Anna’s who preferred to remain anonymous. “Folks been identifying with losing for a long time, and now that’s over. Watch out for a wave of depression hitting our sleepy little town. Mark my words.”

Whatever happens—depression or celebrating in the streets—life in Yuma has changed.

And though it should have been a noteworthy event in the history of the Yuma Bulldozers, the recent retirement of the former $12 Million Dollar Man, David Goode, were competely unnoticed in Yuma today.