The A.K. & Nelly Show

[klewis]

"Good afternoon folks! Welcome to WFLA 1060, baby!" a voice enthusiastically shouted out.

"That's right fellas; we are live today on the waterfront of Jacksonville at Joe's Crab Shack! The food sucks just as much as Chef Boyardee's canned ravioli but hey, it's free!" another voice quipped.

Just outside of Joe's Crab Shack, a makeshift radio booth is set up in front of a live crowd of hungry eaters chomping down on crunchy finger foods and other seafood delicacies. In front of the radio booth is a "WFLA 1060" logo. Printed beneath the radio logo is a Featherheads emblem that read:

"Home of YOUR Florida Featherheads"

Sitting behind the radio booth are none other than the infamous duo of A.K. and Nelly, Jacksonville's most renowned sports talk radio hosts. Although not related by blood, the two were like brothers despite neither admitting to that fact. In fact, both are almost splitting images of one another.

Best known as the "Two Stooges", A.K. and Nelly look frighteningly similar to Moe and Shemp Howard of the Three Stooges. Just like Moe, Nelly's bowl haircut and dreary frown made him a living caricature. In contrast, A.K. sported Shemp's classic "split down the middle" haircut to go along with an infectious smile. It is unknown if the two were born with striking resemblances to the Three Stooges or their appearances were just a gimmick to add more zaniness to the duo. Although not such a compliment to be compared to the looks of the Three Stooges, things could have been worse. The dynamic duo could have been short and bald.

"Oh, stop that Nelly!" exclaimed A.K. "You are such a Negative Nelly. Excuse my partner, dudes and dudettes! Once again, welcome to the A.K. and Nelly Show!"

"You mean the Nelly and A.K. Show," an annoyed Nelly remarked.

Just like a good political candidate, A.K. ignored his colleague's comments and continued to spew out his own agenda.

"Boy oh boy, do we have a show for you! Not only is our radio show live at Joe's Crab Shack, but this is also the first edition of our webcast on Featherheads.com! To start off the show, we would like to address the rumors. Yes baby! Oh yes baby! It is true! It is so true! The team of A.K and Nelly will be the new broadcasters of your Florida Featherheads!"

An irritated Nelly turned to his radio co-host and reiterated, "Get it right man. It is Nelly and A.K. I am no Robin!"

A.K. patted Nelly's back and reassured, "You're no Robin. We're like peanut butter and jelly! Or wine and cheese! We're like Arm & Hammer, baby!"

"Whatever," Nelly snapped. "We're more like Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac."

"Oh, you are such a Negative Nelly. Anyway ladies and gentlemen, we are the new broadcasting team! Can you dig it, baby?! Mr. Streets needed to shake things up and we are the ones to do it, baby! Shake it like a Polaroid picture, baby!"

Before A.K could continue his excitement, Nelly interjected with his own personal disclaimer.

"Even though I now work for the Featherheads, you fans can trust me to be real with things. And quite frankly, I must say the Featherheads are setting themselves up for disappointment. Just check it out. There is a reason why the previous owner left. It is because the Featherheads are underachievers. Heck, most fans do not even know what a Featherhead is. At first, I thought it was a bird."

Playing the role of the good cop, A.K. soothed the Crab Shack crowd.

"You got to excuse my partner, baby. He did not get his Wheaties this morning. Anyway, do we have a show for you, baby! We are here live at Joe's Crab Shack in celebration of our partnership with the Florida Featherheads. We have free stuff for you, baby! So come on out here to Joe's Crab Shack. Eat good food and get free stuff! We have Featherheads tickets! We have t-shirts and hats! We have an autograph bat from Kevin McNeill!"

BOOM! Just like that, Nelly's eyes filled with passion and rage. Like Pavlov's dogs, the very word of "McNeill" struck a chord with Nelly. On instinct, he exploded with great fervor.

"Kevin McNeill? That guy sucks! He is like an overstuffed Italian sausage. Who would want an autograph bat from him?! Let me look at that bat. I bet there are holes in that bat. That boy has more holes in his bat than Swiss chess. Didn't he hit like .250 last year? He should go play high school ball. Maybe he can play for his dad's team. I guess suckiness does run in the family."

"Oh come on, baby," A.K. pleaded with Nelly. "Do you ever have anything positive to say Nelly?"

"Of course I do. Here, I will prove it. This radio show lasts only 2 hours. I'll be out of this dump in 2 hours. How's that for positive thinking for you?"

"You're such a party pooper," A.K. pointed out to his partner. "Turn that frown upside down my friend! Anyway, let's take some phone calls. Hmm, let's go to line 7, baby! Lucky 7, baby!"

"Hello, this is Bill from Miami," the caller responded.

"Wait... wait, baby, is this the one and only Bill Shatner?" A.K. inquisitively questioned.

The crowd lets out a slight laughter upon hearing the name of the famed Bill Shatner.

Nelly gives A.K. an odd stare. "A.K., are you crazy? Bill Shatner is probably out there boozing it up. Laying drunk some where. We have a better shot at this being Billy Cosby than Bill Shatner. Quick kiddo, you got 60 seconds to make your point."

"Um, how well do you...." the caller stammered.

"55 seconds!" Nelly warned. "Hurry up; we do not have all day. Some of us have things to do and places to go."

"Um, how well do you think Florida will do this year? There are a lot of new things. New owner. New broadcasters. Congratulations on the new gig by the way. New beat writer. New attitude. New marketing commercials. But do you think the play on the field will be a new brand of baseball? Or do you expect the same mediocrity as we have seen the last 2 years.

"Well Bill," A.K. answered, “I think there are lots of good things to look forward to. You have Mark "Ice Cold" Richardson, who is the best second baseman in all of baseball. Heck he could be the most talented player in the league! Only 25 years old, he just keeps on getting better and better, baby! The way he plays baseball is just like dynamite on a stick."

"On the mound you also have Chris "I Need a Nickname" Saunders. The guy had a 1.82 ERA last year! 1.82! 1.82! That is ridiculous, baby! Ridiculous, I tell ya! That can't be real. Stuff like that can only be found in video games!"

"I call BS!" Nelly asserted. "Check this out. Florida plays in the most pitching-friendly ballpark in all of the PEBA. I'm looking at my notes here and see Saunders had a 3.94 ERA away from Farmer Field and 0.81 at home. Heck, I can even throw a no-hitter at Farmer Field. That place is like a cemetery for baseballs. It is where baseballs come to go die."

"Ahem... excuse me guys, your crab cakes and sandwiches are here."

The resounding voice of the waiter is greeted with a pleasant applause and cheers from the crowd. Apparently, the waiter must have offered great service to garner such a response.

Without glancing at the waiter, Nelly retorted, "About damn time. Talk about slow service. Did you guys wait for the crabs to die naturally out of old age?!"

"No," the waiter denied. "But I had to take off my silk tie and watch. And aren't you crabby?"

"Who you calling crabby?" Nelly turned around only to realize this was not any ordinary waiter. It was none other than Drew Streets, the new owner of the Florida Featherheads.

Nelly stammered, "Oh sorry, I did no know it was you Drew."

More laughter from the crowd ensued with Nelly's latest blunder.

Confident with a smile, Drew Streets remarked, "Well I heard you guys were throwing a live Featherheads radio broadcast so I thought I would drop by."

The sight of the charismatic Featherheads' owner sent a sparkle to A.K.'s eye. "Alright baby! Give it up for our surprise guest! He is none other than the owner of your Florida Featherheads! Mr. Drew Streets!"

A.K.'s introduction of Drew Streets psyched up the crowd. Giving their approval, the crowd cheered on their new owner.

"Everyone's been questioning the hype, baby. This has more hype than a Tickle Me Elmo! Everyone says you are just another excited new owner. Give you a few months and you will fizzle out like soda pop on a warm Sunday morning! What do you have to say to that, baby?!"

Not phased by the question, cruise tycoon Streets replied calmly, "Well, we'll see about that. I am here to bring new things to PEBA. Soon enough other people will be saying, ‘Why didn't I think of that first?’ It is my goal to make Florida the mecca of baseball."

Upon hearing Streets' reassurance, the crowd begins to chant.

Mecca

Mecca

Mecca

Fed up with the sugarcoated responses, Nelly finally interrupted the love-fest between A.K. and Nelly.

"Hey boss, how do you plan to make Florida the mecca of baseball? We've seen this act before. New owner buys sucky team. New owner is happy. Old fans are happy. New owner makes promises. Old fans believe in the horse crap. Team still sucks. Promises are broken. New owner leaves. Old fans left heartbroken. Another new owner comes. And the suck continues. Rinse and repeat. I want to hear a plan. Don't give me a Palin response now."

"Well Nelly, just like my cruise ships, I want to make this baseball team accessible to all ages and walks of life. It does not matter if you live in Jacksonville, Miami, on the West Coast or in England. We will make this team accessible to everyone. That is why I started the Featherheads.com website as place for people to read news, blogs and participate in discussions. I personally asked Serenity Summers to take up the challenge of covering the team. Taking a step further, I hired a new broadcast team... a team that I feel will not only will talk about baseball but cover it with some unique spin and entertainment value."

"Oh yes, great choice, baby!" a giddy as a schoolgirl A.K. nodded.

A.K.'s remark is met with a smile from Drew Streets. The Florida Featherheads owner continued with his mantra.

"We're just not a baseball team that you read in a newspaper. The Florida Featherheads is more than a baseball team. It is a part of the community. That's why I needed a broadcast team like you two because this team deserves much more than words on a piece of paper. You don't read Las Vegas in a newspaper. You live Las Vegas. That's why people always ask if you have been to Las Vegas. No one ever asks if you have read about Las Vegas.

"It is the same thing with the Florida Featherheads. You don't read about the Featherheads on a Monday morning in a newspaper while drinking coffee. You live Florida baseball by going to the games... by going out to Joe's Crab Shack and hanging out with my new broadcast crew... by participating on the Featherheads.com Blog Site... by watching webcast episodes covering the team."

Drew Streets' words energized the crowd. Dropping their forks and spoons, the crowd applauded and cheered on their new owner.

Drew Streets' words energized the crowd. Dropping their forks and spoons, the crowd applauded and cheered on their new owner.

"Now I have to get going now. But as a parting gift, I have two things to announce. First of all, I am holding a contest for Featherheads fans. The top 10 fans who can send the best pictures displaying them wearing a featherhead will win free season tickets!"

Drew Streets' shrewd and cunning marketing ploy is met with a positive reception. The thought of free season tickets rallies up the crowd.

"As for my other announcement, I would like to unveil the new slogan and marketing campaign for the 2009 Florida Featherheads. I came up with this one day while drinking some Florida orange juice on my cruise ship."

Pure Squeezed Baseball: 100% Florida Featherheads!

[John]

How much fun is this? If this is the kind of article we can expect from Florida, well, all I can say is we brought on the right new owner for the team. There are so many positives I can cite in this wildly creative piece, it's hard to focus on just one.

You know what absolutely floored me, though? It's this little throw-away line by Nelly when he goes off on Kevin McNeill. He says McNeill can play for "his dad's team". Click the word "dad's" on the homepage version of the article and you'll find it's linked to the HTML page of Jerry McNeill, pitching coach for the Brophy Prep Broncos in our Interscholastic Federation high school feeder league. Kevin was able to make a connection to an obscure personnel in a league that he doesn't even strictly have to pay attention to. And he's only been here for a couple of weeks. How cool is that?

Kevin, I'm loving your work, baby!

[klewis]

Sad thing about the McNeill family is that suckiness does run through the family blood. The Brophy Prep Broncos had a 37% winning percentage last year.

Kevin McNeill did not hit too well last year. I guess that is what happens when you grow up learning to hit from your dad who happens to be a pitching coach (and not a hitting coach).