Gary Trundleburry, Shin Seiki Post

5/9/2016: Nagoya, Japan – The following is a transcript of the closed-door meeting between Evas GM Kevin Vail and current Marduk Nerv manager Akio Kouno on December 11^th, 2015. None of the participants have been willing to confirm the story on record, but when presented with the transcript, they made no specific objections. The Shin Seiki Post editorial board has therefore decided to publish this account despite the lack of corroborating sources.

Vail: “Let him in.”

Kouno: “Thank you for seeing me, sir. I know you are a busy man. I won’t take up much of your time.”

Vail: “What brings you here, Akio? Sorry to be terse, but we’ve got about five minutes. I’m working on a little deal with Kuwana.”

Kouno: “I want to manage the Nerv.”

Vail: “Hrm. I like you, Akio, but why on Earth would I give you the keys to the foundation of the entire Empire?”

Kouno: “Simple. You owe me.”

Vail: “How do you figure? Because, and I mean no insult here, but looking at the numbers, it seems you contributed a grand total of 3.7 VORP in our system. Not very impressive for a 30-year-old.”

Kouno: “I sucked. No question. But by my calculations, I have contributed no less than 164.3 VORP to your efforts in the LRS.”

Vail: “Hah. Okay, I’ll bite. Explain.”

Kouno: “Way back in 2010, I took a certain little birdie under my wing and taught him the ways of the world. He went on to great success as one of the building blocks of your organization. I know you are running out of patience so I won’t undersell. What I am saying is that without me, you wouldn’t have ‘Streamline.’”

Vail: “Who?”

Kouno: “Really? Wow. Well, maybe I shouldn’t be too harsh. You don’t really have time to get to know your players. You are a busy guy with all the new GMs to exploit and the Death Stars to finish.”

Vail: “Ha, ha. Make your point.”

Kouno: “ Yes, sir. In 2010, I came back home from the U.S., where I was doing time as a grunt in Evansville. I was drowning my mediocrity in cheap beer when I noticed a certain hulking gaijin sitting alone in the corner. He was wearing a Rodan cap and looked a little lost. Long story short: it was Gonçalo Doroteia. He was having a hard time in Japan and was thinking about returning home and living out his days as a rancher.

“I explained to him that not many men get to play for the Evas, as he likely would. I told him to drink until he couldn’t see straight and then reevaluate things in the morning. For the record, he handled the drinking part with gusto. The next day. we started a montage-worthy few months of immersion in Japanese culture and training on the finer points of fooling Japanese hitters. Needless to say, he thrived.”

Vail: “And the nickname?”

Kouno: “Oh yeah, right. Well, at one point, we were working on pitch location. His task was to locate the pitch where I had my mitt. We were tracking the trajectories electronically. I was moving my mitt progressively left to right across the plate. When we were done, the pattern was an amazing array of parallel arcs. That is when I took to calling him ‘Streamline.’ It seemed appropriate.

“At any rate, I helped him achieve his potential. It is what I’m actually good at. I’ve done similar things for half a dozen Shin Seiki prospects. Hire me and you can lock that benefit in long-term.”

Vail: “Look, Akio, there is no denying that you tell a great story, but I’ll need to do some fact-finding before I make any decisions. I’ll tell you this, though: if what you say checks out, we might have our new Nerv head coach. This was, at the very least, very entertaining.”

Kouno: “That’s more than I could have hoped for. Thank you for listening.”

Akio Kouno signed a five-year contract three days later.