What Happened to the Sandgnats?
Written by Bob Swanfeld

10/5/2011: Crystal Lake, IL — After sweeping through the Great Lakes Division of the PEBA’s Sovereign League and winning the first two games of the playoffs against the Tempe Knights, the Crystal Lake Sandgnats have suddenly lost their winning edge, dropping two games in a row, to square-up the playoffs.  What happened?

In the first two games of the playoff series, Sandgnats pitchers held the Knights to just 10 hits and one run, but in game three the Knights exploded for 14 hits and 9 runs, winning handily 9-6.  Game four was not as close a match as the 2-1 score suggests, as Tempe outhit Crystal Lake 10-5, putting runners on base every inning, though they couldn’t plate the winning run until Orlando García singled home José González.  The Sandgnats’ only score came on a solo shot by slugger Eduardo Molina.

Sandgnats owner/GM Dean Giesey could not be reached for comment, but the inside scoop on the Sandgnats’ sudden slump was provided by the team trainer.  It seems that the surprising inclination within the PEBA’s sister league, the LRS, to invite clubhouse personnel to participate in ball club decisions — as reported in the Niihama-shi Chronicle (“Ghosts Shocker: Team Janitor Calling the Shots”, from the October 3, 2011 edition) — has spread across the Pacific and emerged in, of all places, the small baseball-crazy town of Crystal Lake, Illinois.

While being interviewed about the recent injury to first baseman P.J. Thomas, the trainer, Ryan Hill, inadvertently mentioned that Thomas was absent from yesterday’s practice “on club-related business.”  When asked what business a first baseman with a fractured hand might conduct for the Sandgnats, Hill hemmed and hawed before reversing his field and insisting Thomas was just taking a “little vacation.”  When asked where, Hill said, “Oh, I don’t know, it had something to do with that ancient wall they found out where they’re expanding the stadium.”

Earlier this year, construction workers at the Gnat Field expansion site struck a buried ancient wall.  Embedded within the wall was a forty pound stone with what appeared to be writing on its surface (see Ted Wexel’s “Breaking News: Ancient Wall and Text Found on Stadium Construction Site”, as reported by the AP on September 15, 2011).  Dr. Cynthia Osgood, from the Field Museum in Chicago, has taken charge of the excavation of what she described as “a stone inscribed with the Hebrew alphabet.”  Osgood said this find compares favorably with a stone tablet uncovered in Israel at the Tel Zayit archeological dig in 2005.  The find has generated a great deal of interest, including, it seems, among PEBA ballplayers, or more precisely, among injured first baseman for the Crystal Lake Sandgnats.

P.J. Thomas has been observed wandering around the Gnat field expansion site several times over the past few days.  What would an injured first baseman find of interest at an archaeological dig?  And what on Earth could be the ball club’s interest in an ancient Hebrew abecedary?  More digging unearthed not a single clue, but when P.J. Thomas was cornered this morning outside the ballpark, he shed new light on the mystery of the stone tablet and its connection to the Sandgnats’ recent collapse on the ball field.

“This club needs some new mojo,” Thomas admitted when pressed by reporters.  “What we got, ain’t working.  So I guess yah could say I’m scoutin’ out the possibilities.”

When asked why he was lurking around an archaeological dig, Thomas said, “Why not?  They got themselves an ancient buried wall here.  And some kinda magical, mystical writin’ on an awesomely old stone.  Doncha think there’s some hidden powers at work here?”  Then he smiled.  “Yeah, me too.”

Dr. Osgood was asked if she thought the site or the ancient stone held magical powers; she laughed.  “There’s always someone who wants to think ancient sites have special powers.  We seem to need to believe in mystical powers beyond ourselves.  So we try to persuade them to do their magic for us.  It’s only human.”

Especially if your ball club has suddenly lost its winning edge.

The Sandgnats first baseman said he hoped to be ready for the next playoff game.  “But if I cain’t contribute on the field,” he said with a twinkle in his eye, “then maybe I can help out in other ways.”  When asked if he had “borrowed” some magical earth or runic inscriptions from the site, he declined to comment.

Time will tell what kind of mojo the Sandgnats have working for them.  First, they have to defeat Tempe in the Division Series, but it’s winning their first Rodriguez Cup that drives GM Giesey.  In a recent interview, he said, “We need to get it done now.”  The Sandgnats have twice been bridesmaids, in 2008 and 2010, but never champions.

If the Sandgnats fulfill their GM’s dream, maybe they’ll share their magic with the Yuma Bulldozers.  There’s a club that could use a little mojo!