by Rusty Nobbs, Bluegrass Roundup

EXTRA EDITION – August 5^th, 2009

Our beloved bumbling Bill is now on the Lexington Police Department’s most wanted list.  A warrant for the arrest of Bill Shatner was issued this morning.  After news of the escapade in Churchill 1 last night, local PETA members filed a complaint, on behalf of the helpless Purple Martins which inhabit Churchill 1 against Shatner, owner of the Kentucky Thoroughbreds.  During and after game concert in which Mötley Crüe performed with guest appearances by Ozzy Osbourne and Bill himself, Bill grabbed a purple martin and proceeded to bite its head off while on stage in front of thousands of appalled fans.

Sgt. O’Malley made this statement: “We all know and love Bill.  We are saddened by this complaint and, as is my duty, I must ask Bill to please come forward and turn yourself in.  Let the judge decide if there was any wrong committed last night at Churchill 1.  Thank you.”  As of this writing Bill has not come forward; maybe he has not yet awakened from his drunken stupor.  Someone please … anyone … get some Mountain Dew into his system ASAP.

About the concert, this was not a planned event.  Rumor has it that it was all arranged by Bill and Ozzy sometime during lunch while they met with the members of Mötley Crüe at the Bluegrass Tavern.  The seventh inning stretch is always a happy time here in Kentucky because fans know there are only two and a half innings to go in another gut-wrenching performance by the Thoroughbreds.  Instead, Bill made an announcement of the after-game concert, and Nikki Sixx and Vince Neil did the Chicken Dance.  Bill, have you lost your mind?  The Chicken Dance?  How can that be equated with good times?  Little did the unsuspecting fans know that the Chicken Dance was only foreshadowing of the events to occur on stage after the game.  Bill did indeed bite the head off of a purple martin.  But in the photo there were several lying motionless on stage; how was Bill to know they were still alive?

In other shocking team news, Bill’s assistant and life long friend George Takei has submitted a letter of resignation this morning.  It appears that he is upset about a tattooed inscription across his arse, “Property of Mad Maxx”, which he received last night while out with Crüe members Tommy Lee and Vince Neil.  We are awaiting further details.