Walker Blasts Fans
Questions “Loyalty”

September 1, 2022 — After watching a season low 35,000 fans spin the turnstiles at the Castle last night, Lupin Cliff Hanger owner Paul Walker chose the always effective tactic of attacking his fan base.

“Believe you-me, I’m as frustrated as they are at our performance,” Walker said. “But the fans have to suck it up and keep supporting the team. That’s what loyalty means, right? Coming out to the park come high water time? If you don’t, you have to wonder what kind of stuff you’re made of.”

As predicted, reaction was quick and merciless. Social media has blown up over the past twenty-four hours, filled with such gems as:

“Walker blows.”

“Loyalty is never having to say ‘the fans have to suck it’.”

And from “Sergent,” the leader of the radicalized Cliff Hanger onedan: “We love baseball. We love Toyama. Who the hell is Lupin? #ToyamaBaseballForever.”

In the meantime, it’s clear the ball club itself has fallen apart and is visibly uneasy about the friction between its front office and its fans. They recently lost a 20 inning game in which they scored not a single run, and gave no challenge to a a pitcher with an ERA over 8.00.

“I don’t understand why we need to fight,” said veteran shortstop Shiro Adachi. “Things aren’t going well, but we are trying very hard, and we’ve had so many injuries that it can’t be a real surprise we’re struggling.” When asked about recent rumors that Adachi held a brief meeting with the team to express his displeasure with their recent losing ways, Adachi was straightforward. “We had a little talk. It’s fine to be unhappy with poor performance. But I think you handle it best away from the cameras.”

Regardless of whether the players find harmony or not, the near-term odds of an upturn on the field do not look promising. The team’s next nine games will see them face division leaders Shin Seiki, Aurora, and Crystal Lake.

Our suggestion to Paul Walker: Prepare for Pain.