April 1^st, 2013, 11:15 AM  

Serenity Summers: Yesterday, a Tribe fan made his own promotional video.  Well, Florida has its own version!  We here at FloridaFeatherheads.com have exclusive rights to show to you the Tribe’s 2013 official promotional video!  For the first time, it stars Florida’s very own A.K. and Nelly!  In this video, A.K. and Nelly help to promote Florida’s stadium upgrade, including the addition of 5,000 extra seats!  This means more Tribe fans will be able to see their favorite players!  So without further adieu, let’s get to the video! 

Narrator: It’s a weeknight.  The Featherheads are hosting a game at Farmer Field.  Instead of attending the game live at Farmer Field, you decide to catch the game at your local sports bar.  You make excuses to avoid going to the good ‘ol ballpark: “There are no seats available.  I’m too lazy.  HD television is almost like watching it live.  The bartender is cute.  Being at the bar gives you the same atmosphere as attending the game.”

[The scene opens up with Nelly sitting at the bar alone.  His eyes are fully fixated to the television screen that is displaying a Florida Featherheads baseball game.]
 

Nelly: Come on!  Swing, Morimoto!  That was right down the middle!  What a bum!

Bartender: Hello, would you like anything to drink?

[Scene freezes momentarily]

Narrator: Nelly is just like any other guy – he pretends to go to the bar for a couple of drinks and to catch the game on the television.  The truth is Nelly and the rest of the male population frequent the bar in hopes of spreading their pheromones to the female population.  If all else fails – and it usually does – you can always fall back on making failed attempts with that cute bartender.

In Nelly’s case, he secretly has the hots for Bernadette the Bartender at the local Jacksonville sports bar.  Unfortunately for him, the beautiful and soon-to-be Mrs. Bernadette Cain is no longer employed at this fine establishment.  In her stead is a 22-year-old baby-faced boy that goes by the name of Bob.  Under biological rules, Barney qualifies as part of the male population.  As we have established earlier, this means that Bob is working here in hopes of spreading his pheromones like a bee and its pollen.

[Scene resumes]

Nelly: Yeah, sure.  Uhh, give me an Irish Car Bomb.  Hey, you’re not Bernadette.  Where is she tonight?

Bartender: Sure, one Irish Car Bomb coming right up.  Oh, Bernadette?  Hehe, she quit.  Her boyfriend got promoted – so she quit.

Nelly: She had a boyfriend?

[Scene freezes momentarily]

Narrator: This is a classical problem with the male gender.  You want to know more than you should know.  You are too curious for your own good.  You’re not fooling anyone with your nonchalant question.  Here’s a tip for Nelly and the rest of the XY population: Next time, check the shiny engagement ring on her finger.

[Scene resumes]

Bartender: She sure does.  He got promoted to regional sales manager at Foot Locker.

Nelly: That’s nice.  On second thought, just give me a Sea Breeze.

Bartender: Alrighty, one Sea Breeze it is.  Hey, aren’t you Nelly?  The guy from Suicide Squeeze?

Nelly: Yeah, I’m Nelly.  The one and only.

Bartender: Wowie, you work with A.K., right?  Man, that guy is awesome.

Nelly: I guess.  He’s lucky to be riding on my coattails.

Bartender: You think you can get his autograph for me?  He is so cool!  I love the way he acts, dresses, and talks!  It’s so different and just cooooool!  You think you can get me his autograph?  Pretty, pretty please?  With a cherry on top?

[Scene freezes momentarily]

Narrator: This is reason #1 why you should be at Farmer Field rather than sitting at the bar.  You can avoid guys like Barney the Bartender.  Tribe fans at the ballpark are just plain cool.  There is no excuse to be at the bar over Farmer Field.  The Featherheads have increased their stadium capacity from 45,000 to 50,000 seats.  For those counting at home, that’s an extra 5,000 seats.  This means 5,000 less people do not have to swing by their local bars.

[Scene resumes]

Nelly: Man, do I look like his secretary?  Just get me my drink.

Bartender: Okay, okay.  Sheesh.  How rude.  No wonder A.K. is more popular.

[While Barney the Bartender leaves momentarily to fix Nelly’s drink, a “lady” approaches Nelly from behind.  For better or worse, she strikes an astounding resemblance to that of A.K.  She taps Nelly on the shoulder from behind and bellows out in a masculine voice:]

Lady: Hey there, baby.  You sitting here alone?  What’s a cute guy like you sitting here alone on a Saturday night?

[Nelly turns around and immediately jerks back as if he saw a ghost]

Nelly: Oh, sweet mother of God!

Lady: Oh, baby, yes!  I would love to be the mother of your children!

Nelly: Heck no!  Girl, you looked like you fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down!

[Scene freezes momentarily]

Narrator: Here is reason #2 to be at Farmer Field.  Why settle for a bad encounter at the bar?  If there is a place to spread your pheromones – even if it fails – it’s at Farmer Field.  The female fans there are stunning, knowledgeable, and passionate.  Farmer Field’s seating upgrades means more stunning, knowledgeable and passionate female fans.  Why strike out at the local bar when you can strike out at the park?  With Florida’s stadium expansion, there are new places to strike out.  Take, for example, the addition of 50 luxury suites.  You can attempt to impress her with your rented Mercedes and go for the kill by showing her to your private luxury suite.

This is probably your best shot at wooing her.  A lady is sure to be impressed with Florida’s new state-of-the-art luxury suite.  Each suite features three 65″ LED HDTVs.  Each television is 3D-ready and will let you watch Florida baseball in 240Hz of pure bliss.  Surely, that should impress anyone.  240Hz of pure TV heaven – who would not be impressed by that?

If that were not enough, each luxury suite features full dining complementaries.  The Featherheads offer many delicious varieties, such as seafood catering from Joe’s Crab Shack or Cajun/Creole food from Gumbo YaYa’s.  They say a way to a woman’s heart is through food.

Instead of impressing her with luxury suites, maybe she is the down to Earth type that enjoys sitting out in the bleachers or upper deck?  Well, you are in luck.  Farmer Field has expanded in those zones, as well.  This is where the true passionate fans sit – including the passionate women.  This is the best place to judge a woman.  You don’t need a fancy car or a fat wallet.  You don’t even need premium seats.  The women sitting here are here for the experience.  They are here for the ambiance and the thrill of watching the game at the ballpark and its ambiance.  This is the perfect place to catch the perfect catch.

But alas, female Tribe fans are different.  As stated earlier, they are not only stunning and passionate but knowledgeable.  They can see past your facade.  So, most likely, you will strike out swinging.

[Scene resumes]

Lady: You like to play hard to get, don’t you?

Nelly: Oh, no.  I play “no get”!

Lady: I see.  You must be one of those coinkydink men that mean yes when they say no.  Oh, come hither forth, baby!

Nelly: Oh, Lord.  Uhh, umm… I gotta pee!

[Before A.K. – the lady – can say another word, Nelly sprints towards the restroom with quickness that even a man of Usain Bolt‘s caliber would be jealous of]

Nelly: Hey, open up!  Don’t be holding up the restroom!  This is not like Barnes & Noble where you can just smooch around for free!

[Nelly desperately bangs on the restroom door as if it was a matter of life and death.  He quickly turns around to see if his admirer is behind him and then resumes banging the door vehemently.]

[Scene freezes momentarily]

Narrator: Poor Nelly.  Little does he know that this is a public restroom.  There is no lock on the door.  To access the restroom, he simply has to pull on the door rather than push.  This is what happens when a male becomes distraught; he becomes less aware of his situation and surroundings.  This is especially true when the source of hysteria is derived from a woman.

This situation could have all been avoided if Nelly had opted for Farmer Field rather than the bar.  Farmer Field features 50,000 seats of comfort.  That’s plenty of seats to go around.  Even a clueless monkey could find a seat.  If Nelly wanted, he could have opted to watch the game right behind home plate.  A part of the new seating expansion includes an emphasis on expanding “action seats” – seats that are so close to the action that you smell the sweat – or rather, the pheromones – of your favorite ballplayers.

We’re talking about 500 additional seats behind home plate.  This means 500 more fans will be able to see the superstar Tsumemasa Morimoto up close and personal as he digs into the batter’s box.  Who would want to miss this golden opportunity?  After all, Mr. Morimoto is indeed a 50-homer guy and a one-time Royal Raker.

If behind home plate does not satisfy your baseball craving, Farmer Field also features newly added seating along the first and third base foul lines that extends to the foul poles.  In previous seasons, this has been a popular area of upgrade, and the trend continues in 2013.  Seating in this area offers excellent live viewing action and perfect access to concession stands throughout the stadium.  It is indeed the perfect seat.

[Scene resumes]

Nelly: 9-1-1!  This is an emergency!  Code red!  Code red!  I got a hideous woman on my tail!  Open up!

[The bathroom door swings open to reveal a disapproving man staring back at the distraught Nelly.  Nelly could care less of this moment.  To him, the bathroom door swinging open was like the gates of Heaven opening.  Frightened and disturbed, Nelly quickly dashes inside the public restroom.  He heads towards the nearest urinal and slowly regains his senses as he relieves himself.]

Nelly: What the…?  It reeks in here!  It smells like a rat died in here!

[Scene freezes momentarily]

Narrator: This has to be another reason to attend Farmer Field.  We must be up to reason #257 already.  With a 50,000 seating capacity, Florida understands the need for public facilities.  This epiphany has lead to an emphasis on public cleanliness.  Farmer Field features restrooms with water faucets and dryers that are motion sensor-activated.  A fresh lemony zest scent diffuses through the public restroom air.

These features are truly fit for a king and queen.  In order to take advantage of this, each and every fan needs to head to the ballpark.  Why settle for the bar or watching it at home when you can experience it live with 49,999 other fans?  The seats are plentiful.

So come out to the ballpark, where you can experience being a true big leaguer.  You can strike out with the ladies while watching Dominic Bélanger ring up opposing hitters.  Last season, 3,501,416 Tribe fans came to the ballpark.  Come visit Farmer Field in 2013, because 3,501,416 cannot be wrong.

[Scene fades to black]