Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The 6th Annual Winter Meeting of the North American Niihama-shi Ghosts Booster Club was held on January 20, 2014 in Decatur, Illinois.  Attending were the three founding members of the club [left to right]: 72-year old Henrietta McGagglehurst, 84-year old Florence Dashwitter and 68-year old Sylvia “Stoner” Scheisskopff.

The club at its height boasted 184 members across the United States and Canada.  But as the fortunes of the Ghosts have fallen, interest among Americans has declined as well, and the three ladies are the only current members.  They prefer it that way.  McGagglehurst, who divorced her husband of 51 years after she caught him wearing a Shin Seiki Evas T-shirt, is the current President.

The 6th Annual Meeting was held on a street corner rather than the traditional site, the Bat and Ball Pub.  It seems that at the 5th Annual meeting, the ladies of the club incited a near-riot in the pub when they brawled with members of the Kure Arsenal Appreciation Society of the United States, who were coincidentally meeting there as well.  No charges were filed, but the three Ghosts fans were permanently banned from the establishment.

Henrietta: I call this meeting to order.  First on the agenda: Florence will deliver an assessment of the just-completed 2013 season of the Ghosts.
Florence: Any chance we could just skip this?
Sylvia: With the Shin Seiki Evils now LRS champions, absolutely.
Florence: Here’s the best I can say: The Ghosts did not end up in last place.  Somehow, there was a team worse than ours.  But our record, oy!  Just 49 wins, six fewer than last season.  Who could imagine?
Henrietta: And our Pythagorean record was even worse – 44 wins and 100 losses!  My God, only good luck spared us from 100 losses.
Florence: Attendance was at an all-time low, down some 30%, and the team lost money hand over fist.
Henrietta: Of course, those horrid Ghostettes didn’t help attendance one bit.  Shameful, disgusting.
Florence: Sluts, all of them.
Sylvia: Ach, the team can’t hit to save itself.  Look at this – it’s hideous! (She passes out a sheet)

Florence: An OBP of .282!  An OPS of .603!  My God, the embarrassment, the pain!
Sylvia: Ach, it’s unbearable.  I’m going to sell my season tickets.
Henrietta: You don’t have season tickets.  They play in Japan.
Sylvia: True, but if I did, I’d sell them!
Florence: And the pitching wasn’t much better… (hands out another sheet)

Henrietta: Hey – at least our BABIP was good!
Sylvia: Ach, BABIP, schmabip…
Henrietta: But we’re second in the SSG!  I knew we’d find some bright spots.
Florence: Hey, let’s look at VORP.  The Ghosts must have had some surprises there.  Let’s look at FIP and xFIP!  Let’s look at WAR…
Sylvia: WAR?  Ach!  What is it good for?  Absolutely nothing.
Florence: I’ve told you that a million times: It measures wins above a replacement level player.  It’s good for boiling down a player’s total contribution into a single statistic!  It’s invaluable!
Sylvia: Oh, spare me your sabermetric silliness!  Every morning, I wipe my tuches with the Bill James Abstract!
Florence: (Shakes finger) Don’t you dare take the name of Bill James in vain!
Sylvia: I’ll do whatever I please!
Florence: And you’ll pay for it! (She lunges for Sylvia and the two begin choking each other)
Henrietta: (Separating them) Ladies, ladies, please!  We can’t fight among ourselves!  It’s bad enough there’s an Akira fan in our Mahjong group!
Florence: (sits back down) I’m sorry.  Its just, the team… it rots.  Completely.  And the future is bleak…
Sylvia: Yes. (sniffles) And my boys are gone.  Shiggy – gone!  Kudo, Kimura – gone! Manuel, Ortega – gone! (Sobbing loudly) And Hasegawa!  How could they trade Hasegawa! (Takes out her rare Hasegawa bobblehead and cradles it in her arms) Oh, my Nobu-baby… they traded you away… my Nobu-san… how could they do that…?
(The others sit silently until Sylvia’s sobbing subsides)
Florence: I’m sorry about the choking.
Sylvia: Well, at least you didn’t break a bottle over someone’s head like last year.
Henrietta: (sighs) I suppose we should probably end this.
Florence: Yes, please.  I have to change my diaper.
Henrietta: So moved.  This meeting is adjourned.

Thus concludes the 6th Annual Meeting of the North American Niihama-shi Ghosts Booster Club.