Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Chris Van Hauter arrives at Knights Stadium. It’s just another day at the office for the boss. He walks around the executive offices, greeting all of his staff members. As he passes through the next corridor, he sees a Hispanic woman carrying a large bear-shaped piñata and wearing a Bakersfield hat and Marcus Hancock jersey. She disappears into Conference Room A. With a perplexed look in his face, Van Hauter enters the room to see what’s going on.

Inside, the seating is all set up. At the podium is a Dominican Flag and an enlarged blank check, the kind usually used when presenting awards. The Hispanic woman is working diligently to set up the piñata.

“Great googly moogly. Who are you and what are you doing?”

“Oh, hi, Mr. Van Hauter. My name is Rosa and I’m setting up for the press conference later this week.”

“Press conference? What press conference?”

Knights GM Alan Ehlers walks through the door and immediately knows that he has a lot of explaining to do.

“Chris, wait, I can explain.”

“This better be good,” Van Hauter warned.

“This is Rosa Rivera. I met her at the Holiday Inn a few months ago. She’s helped me regain my focus, so in return, I hired her as my secretary.”

“Alan, they call it a ‘no-tell motel’ for a reason. I don’t want to hear about what you and this floozy did to regain your ‘focus.’”

“No, it’s not like that, Chris. Rosa isn’t a floozy. She is a smart woman with a lot of connections in the Dominican Republic.”

“Great, just great. If she is such an extraordinary evaluator of talent, why didn’t you hire her as a scout instead of a secretary? I’m sure she has detailed scouting reports on the ‘tools’ of the Dominican players that she has seen. I mean, really? You’re one prolonged losing streak away from being unemployed and you’re going to write a blank check to someone who has never played in the PEBA based on the recommendation of a lowly breakfast steward?”

“Actually, it’s a player that I have been scouting for seven years. I think he’s an ace even at the PEBA level, and Rosa may give us a slight advantage in signing him. It’s what we need more than anything. I’ve plugged a lot of holes with league-minimum players. You gave me this money to use and I want to use it on Rosa’s cousin because he is the one guy in this market that bring us to 85 wins so I can keep my job.”

“Whoa, back up a second. You’re going to give $20 million to your flavor of the week secretary’s cousin? In all my years, I’ve never seen anything like this. I mean, Pat Lilly is on the open market. Pat F’n Lilly! If I had $20 million to spend, I’d go get him. He is offense, he is power, he is a winner.”

“Yeah, well he is also a 38-year-old corner OF/DH. You don’t spend big dollars on the corners. You should know that. Hancock, McCullough, and Sharp ate up most of your payroll.”

“Well, I’m going to stick to my word and continue to give you full autonomy for the rest of this season. But I swear, Ehlers, if you don’t win 85 games, I’m going to stick you in that piñata and let Matt Carter take some rips. So you better be right!”