The Great Omaha Shakeup
Going into deadline, Cyclones trade everybody except the guys they wanted to.
Greg Johnsonson reporting – Special MIDDAY EXTRA for the Omaha Evening Wind
7/31/2009: OMAHA, NB – The Omaha Cyclones are a team defined by mediocrity, wasted individual production and sub-.500 baseball. While at the team's inception they looked promising, all promise was lost with a disastrous start of the Inaugural Season and the departure of stars Ollie Morris and Don Nichols. The exodus continued when star Eric Morse left for the greener pastures of Crystal Lake via free agency after his All-Star 2008 campaign. In 2009, however, the stars have been leaving in droves. With the young crop of players from the initial draft now coming into arbitration and free agency years, the team had to prioritize who to keep and who to send packing.
The first to go was DH Jacques Fillion to the Manchester Maulers in exchange for aging MR José Antonio García, a pair of minor leaguers and 3rd and 4th round draft picks. The move was considered an attempt to aid a minor league system rated amongst the worst in the PEBA. The next deal made was with the Coal Sox of West Virginia, which sent SP Samuel Reed and 4 minor leaguers to coal country for CL Phil Mathis, MR Guillermo Lopez and SP Jorge Hernandez, all of whom figure to be amongst the Cyclones pitchers next season. Says GM and self-obsessed tool shed Bryan Dobney, "Excuse me, what was the question? I was thinking about tacos. You know, taco shells are basically little corn envelopes when you think about it. Quick question, Walt: do you like techno music?” It seems stunning that a man who spends so little time in touch with reality is allowed to drive, much less own a baseball team.
Late last evevning the Cyclones shipped out for the season 3B Chris Harris and a 3rd round draft pick to Crystal Lake for SS Si-on Yi, AAA SP Carlos Camacho, AAA 2B Jeff Ricks and a 7th round pick. "We did not feel like Harris was really showing his promise, so we decided to trade him for something that we might be able to use. Camacho and Ricks have both been successful at the AAA level this season and we hope they can bring that production to our club. Yi will play the rest of the season at 3rd and help the team as a utility man in the future,” said Omaha's co-owner and soccer legend Michael Owen.
Omaha's last trade is the biggest in the team's history and easily overshadows the Morris deal in terms of magnitude. In a shock move this afternoon, right before the deadline the Cyclones sent All-Star SP Antonio "Crayon" Rivera (don't blame him… he can't choose what people call him), All-Star RF Shimpei Adachi and CL Antonio Delgado to the Florida Featherheads for SS Miguel Soto, CL Ben Ellis, SS-A SP Félix "Bump" Ortega, SS-A RF Martín Martínez, and $3.5 million. In a true deadline blockbuster, the Cyclones dealt away two of their most popular players and the team's all-time saves leader for a shortstop whose former owner has a crush on him, a solid if not spectacular closer and two legitimate star potential prospects.
"Dobney and Lewis pulled off a real whiz-banger here," says former MLB great Nolan Ryan. "Both guys put their necks out for this one and the fans will be sure to let them know if this one goes well or poorly on either side. By the way, did you know I never threw from further than 90 feet? It's true… I wish I had thrown some change-ups on a flat line the length of a soccer field though… I could still be playing.” Says Soto on the deal "You gotta sniff it," which has become the clubhouse mantra for the Cyclones in the months of June and July, during which they are on a 27-26 tear.
In on field news, the Cyclones busted out the brooms for a sweep of the Yuma Bulldozers and are approaching the .500 mark once again. "Hey there, Pete, let me tell you a thing or two about handling business," says Dobney in a terribly fake southern drawl. "Sometimes you are the world and sometimes you are the fire truck or some such thing."
With the team returning home to Crystal Lake, one can only imagine the carnage about to take place in Mack Stadium. However, after Crystal Lake the schedule features 3 teams with worse records than Omaha in the next 4 series, culminating with a 3-game clash with the hated Canton Longshoremen. "It will mean a ton to the 45 fans we have left if we can take all 3 of those series, and it doesn't seem ridiculous to think we can. You know what is ridiculous? The way Clinton Portis dresses for post-game interviews. That guy's hijinks always have me in stitches,” said the towering inferno of idiocy that is Bryan Dobney. "On a completely different note, what is with the decoy President Bush keeps sending to his speeches… does he really think he is fooling anyone?” And with that I plan to take a long vacation to parts unknown… it is all too much for one reporter to handle.
Russell's Rantings
– HAHAHAHA, ohhhh man that is rich… it was the same guy the whole time. Wait a minute is this thing on?
– Interestingly, Canton sucks… not just the team, the whole community. Need proof? Well, Geoff Green is hurt… case closed.
– Despite once again being eliminated from the playoff race at a premature stage of the season, the Cyclones continue to represent well, going 20-10 in Dobney-Dobney games this year. That really should merit its own trophy.
– Anyone interested in watching Burn After Reading, I could suggest some just-as-fun alternatives:
Self inflicted paintball wounds, plucking all of your facial hair, hitting yourself repeatedly in the thumb with a hammer, watching a parked car's exhaust pipe, holding a 5-hour conversation with Larry King, mountain biking, traveling to Canton for no reason, taking all of your money out of the bank and throwing it into a storm sewer, and sewing shut that hole in your jeans all leap readily to mind. But don't take my word for it.