The Conglomerate That Never Was…
Sunday, September 27, 2009

“It’s not going to be a pretty [hiccup] conversation!” mumbles David Godell in a thick Scottish accent.  He is half drunk and in midst of drowning his sorrows in the dark and quiet bar of the Hotel New Otani in the business district of Osaka, Japan.  As he pauses, a tiny teardrop zigzags down his face like a slow-motion Plinko chip on The Price Is Right and eventually lands with a small plop in his pint of Sapporo.  Hank Williams would be proud, and probably feel pretty darn bad for the poor guy, too.

Sobbing next to Mr. Godell are two young Japanese businessmen who have suddenly found themselves in a similar predicament, however possibly worse.  Hitoshi and Kazuo Torii are the two great-grandsons of the great Shinjiro Torii, the founder of the first Japanese whisky distillery.  Not six hours ago, the three had wrapped up a high-profile business merger between Diageo, Mr. Godell’s company, and Suntory, whom the Torii’s represent.  Diageo is the world’s leading premium drinks business and owner of many popular spirits, wine and beer brands such as Johnny Walker, Jose Cuervo and Guinness.  Suntory is Japan’s leading producer of both nonalcoholic and alcoholic beverages.

Though they are not allowed to comment on the specifics of the deal, their drunken ramblings seem to indicate that Diageo purchased Suntory on the basis that the Torii family would still maintain control of the Asian operations of Suntory’s alcoholic beverages.  Even though alcoholic beverage sales seem to be going up during the gloomy global economic market, the board of directors at Suntory must have wanted to anticipate any sharp downturn within the industry in the coming months.  Diageo of course would be absolutely thrilled to have achieved an even further monopoly on the world’s booze supply.  Interestingly enough, the catalyst for the merger may have been the chance to have a stake in one of the twelve teams available in the PEBA acquisition of the League of the Rising Sun this past week.  It turns out that the Torii Family were the former owners of the Fugishi Yugi Celestial Warriors.

Even though the new ownership of the “LRS-12” has already been established, the group of investors who have won a stake in the available teams has been kept strictly hush-hush.  Details on the LRS-12 group have slowly begun to leak out, however, with the news that Anthony Esposito, the mogul behind the social-networking website Urspace, as well as the Canadian poker pro Pasquale siblings have both secured teams.  Other possible investors include Mark Cuban, the delinquent NBA franchise owner, George Steinbrenner, and Milorad "Rod" R.  Blagojevich, who has apparently already sold his stake at a team to the highest bidder.

As another dram of (12 year old) Yamazaki arrives, Mr. Godell continues to ramble about the prospects of the deal with Suntory.  “They weare up ta high do!  They weare doewn right puggled!”  Translated, it seems as though the Torii’s Celestial Warriors have struggled financially the past several years, just as the other eleven teams in the LRS have.

One of the prerequisites of the Diageo-Suntory merger was that Diageo was to have already secured an LRS team.  This turned out to be no problem.  When asked about how he was able to procure a team so fast Godell reveals that he has a business relationship with John Rodriguez, the commissioner of the PEBA.

“Yea, I purchased a couple of his franchises fur mae highland games boys,” he proclaims.  Diageo also owns 4 highland games athletes.  “But I had to sell them back because the proagrams worked so well that the boys were begunnung to bea accused ae steroids abuse.  Which is shite!  The only one thea uver foeund to be juicin’ wus thea MacGuire fullow.”

Diageo also purchased a number of fitness franchises for their many corporate wellness programs for the employees at their many companies.  So when the news was out that the PEBA was looking for investors for the LRS expansion Diageo jumped at the opportunity, knowing that it would be the perfect bait for the Suntory Company.  After several more sake bombers, the Torii’s confirm that it was in the deal for their family to control the LRS team that Diageo had purchased.

Sounds great, right?  Everyone’s happy.  So why the sad faces and teary eyes?  After a long pause, Godell laments that he will have to call his company tomorrow and spill the news that Diageo had acquired Suntory only temporarily, and that Suntory and the LRS team are now owned by an unknown businessperson who is at the moment MIA.  “Aem thru!” He cries.

The Toriis also erupt in continuous sobbing.

As details of the last six hours emerge, it turns out that the prosperous day took a wrong turn after the acquisition of Suntory by Diageo.  As soon as the deal was signed the three men adjourned to the bar that they now sit in to have a toast over a dram of Yamasaki.  It also became an opportunity for the Torii’s to meet several of the new owners for the LRS.  Apparently meetings between the LRS-12 had taken place somewhere near Osaka, and a handful of team owners were also present at the bar.  Spirits were high and the whisky was flowing, and before long a deck of cards made an appearance.

“Thuse damn Pasquale bruthers!  It’s aelways puker this, aen puker thaet!”

The hands were at first just friendly, no stakes poker, but soon enough the cash came out and the table got bigger.  Eventually the bar was awash in Texas Hold’em!  “Wull, thur waes me, the Toriis and the Pasqueles at a table when the Toriis decided to take a break, and thaen an American with a silly mustache sat down to play.  He wus piss drunk!”
The newcomer quickly played two terrible hands and Godell says that he seemed like an easy foe.  But over the next two hours the Pasqueles were both taken out and there became a showdown between Godell and the unknown mustache holder.

“I thought I had the bugger when I got the duble aces aen duble eights.  I was wrong!” 
With his two pair, aces high, Godell felt it was time to take the table.  He announced that he was all in.  What happened next may become stuff of legend in the new LRS.

“You’re not all in,” said the mustache.  “I think that there’s something in your pocket that you can throw in as well.  If you throw that in, than I’m all in too, plus a set of keys to my ride.”

Godell was baffled, how did the mustache know that in his pocket was the paperwork to the Diageo-Suntory deal?  In what appears to have been a drunken stupor, Godell complied.  He threw the papers on the table.

As the cards were revealed, Godell’s hand looked strong.  Two aces, two eights and a queen.  When the mustache revealed his cards, however, Godell’s heart – and most likely his life – sunk to his stomach: two aces, two eights and a king.  The mustache smirked.  “I think I’ll be going now.  If you just sign those papers over, sir, I’ll be on my way.  Nice playing cards with you, sir.”

The bar suddenly became hushed as Godell signed the Suntory Company and the LRS team over to the mustache.  In the background you could hear Kazuo Torii’s fainting body hit the floor.

Sources say that the unknown mustached drunkard may  have been the former LRS import Jack Elliot, a failing Major League Baseball player who signed a contract with the Chunichi Dragons of the old Central League in the 90s, but nobody knows for sure.  Elliot’s stay in Japan was brief and, after one season, he returned to the MLB for another year as only a hitting coach.  His whereabouts since have been unknown, though rumor has it that he now lives in Nagoya with his wife, a marketing executive.  The one thing that Japanese fans will never forget, however, is how Elliot came one homerun shy of breaking the record for consecutive games with a home run, which still stands at seven.

So as the night concludes, Godell retires to his room to rest his huge head on his huge pillow, and the Torris return to the Torii mansion outside of town.  Both are faced with the daunting chore of informing their company and family, respectively, that the conglomerate never was.

The question now is who will show up in place of Godell to Sunday night’s bidding of the LRS-12?