12/15/2008: “Good afternoon, folks!  Welcome to WFLA 1060, baby!” a voice enthusiastically shouted.

“That’s right, fellas; we are live today on the Jacksonville waterfront at Joe’s Crab Shack!  The food sucks just as much as Chef Boyardee’s canned ravioli, but hey, it’s free!” another voice quipped.

Just outside of Joe’s Crab Shack, a makeshift radio booth was set up in front of a live crowd of hungry eaters chomping down on crunchy finger foods and other seafood delicacies.  In front of the radio booth was a “WFLA 1060” logo.  Printed beneath the radio logo was a Featherheads emblem that read: “Home of YOUR Florida Featherheads.”

Sitting behind the radio booth were none other than the infamous duo of A.K. and Nelly, Jacksonville’s most renowned sports talk radio hosts.  Although not related by blood, the two were like brothers despite neither admitting to that fact.  In fact, both were almost splitting images of one another.

Best known as the “Two Stooges,” A.K. and Nelly looked frighteningly similar to Moe and Shemp Howard of the Three Stooges.   Just like Moe, Nelly’s bowl haircut and dreary frown made him a living caricature.  In contrast, A.K. sported Shemp’s classic “split down the middle” haircut to go along with an infectious smile.  It was unknown if the two were born with striking resemblances to the Three Stooges or if their appearances was just a gimmick to add more zaniness to the duo.  Although not such a compliment to be compared to the looks of the Three Stooges, things could have been worse.  The dynamic duo could have been short and bald.

“Oh, stop that, Nelly!” exclaimed A.K.  “You are such a Negative Nelly.  Excuse my partner, dudes and dudettes!  Once again, welcome to the A.K. and Nelly Show!”

“You mean the Nelly and A.K. Show,” an annoyed Nelly remarked.

Just like a good political candidate, A.K. ignored his colleague’s comments and continued to spew his own agenda.  “Boy, oh boy, do we have a show for you!  Not only is our radio show live at Joe’s Crab Shack, but this is also the first edition of our webcast on Featherheads.com!  To start off, we would like to address the rumors.  Yes, baby!  Oh yes, baby!  It is true!  It is so true!  The team of A.K and Nelly will be the new broadcasters of your Florida Featherheads!”

An irritated Nelly turned to his radio co-host and reiterated, “Get it right man.  It is Nelly and A.K.  I am no Robin!”

A.K. patted Nelly’s back and reassured, “You’re no Robin.  We’re like peanut butter and jelly!  Or wine and cheese!  We’re like Arm & Hammer, baby!”

“Whatever,” Nelly snapped.  “We’re more like Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.”

“Oh, you are such a Negative Nelly.  Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, we are the new broadcasting team!  Can you dig it, baby?  Mr. Streets needed to shake things up and we are the ones to do it, baby!  Shake it like a Polaroid picture, baby!”

Before A.K. could continue, Nelly interjected with his own personal disclaimer.  “Even though I now work for the Featherheads, you fans can trust me to be real with things.  And quite frankly, I must say the Featherheads are setting themselves up for disappointment.  Just check it out.  There is a reason why the previous owner left.  It is because the Featherheads are underachievers.  Heck, most fans do not even know what a Featherhead is.  At first, I thought it was a bird.”

Playing the role of the good cop, A.K. soothed the Crab Shack crowd.  “You got to excuse my partner, baby.  He did not get his Wheaties this morning.  Anyway, do we have a show for you, baby!  We are here live at Joe’s, celebrating our partnership with the Featherheads.  We have free stuff for you, baby!  So come on out here to Joe’s.  Eat good food and get free stuff!  We have Featherheads tickets!  We have t-shirts and hats!  We have an autographed bat from Kevin McNeill!”

Boom!  Just like that, Nelly’s eyes filled with passion and rage.  Like Pavlov’s dogs, the word “McNeill” struck a chord. On instinct, he exploded with great fervor.  “Kevin McNeill?  That guy sucks!  He is like an overstuffed Italian sausage.  Who would want an autographed bat from him?  Let me look at that bat.  I bet there are holes in that bat.  That boy has more holes in his bat than Swiss chesse.  Didn’t he hit, like, .250 last year?  He should go play high school ball.  Maybe he can play for his dad’s team.  I guess suckiness does run in the family.”

“Oh come on, baby,” A.K. pleaded.  “Do you ever have anything positive to say, Nelly?”

“Of course I do.  Here, I will prove it.  This radio show lasts only two hours.  I’ll be out of this dump in two hours.  How’s that for positive thinking?”

“You’re such a party pooper,” A.K. pointed out to his partner.  “Turn that frown upside down, my friend!  Anyway, let’s take some phone calls.  Hmm, let’s go to line seven, baby!  Lucky seven, baby!”

“Hello, this is Bill from Miami,” the caller responded.

“Wait… wait, baby, is this the one and only Bill Shatner?” A.K. questioned.  The crowd let out slight laughter upon hearing the name of the famed Bill Shatner.

Nelly gave A.K. an odd stare.  “A.K., are you crazy?  Bill Shatner is probably out there boozing it up.  Laying drunk some where.  We have a better shot at this being Billy Cosby than Bill Shatner.  Quick, kiddo, you got 60 seconds to make your point.”

“Um, how well do you….” the caller stammered.

“55 seconds!” Nelly warned.  “Hurry up; we do not have all day.  Some of us have things to do and places to go.”

“Um, how well do you think Florida will do this year?  There are a lot of new things.  New owner.  New broadcasters.  Congratulations on the new gig by the way.  New beat writer.  New attitude.  New marketing commercials.  But do you think the play on the field will be a new brand of baseball?  Or do you expect the same mediocrity as we have seen the last two years.

“Well, Bill,” A.K. answered, “I think there are lots of good things to look forward to.  You have Mark ‘Ice Cold’ Richardson, who is the best second baseman in all of baseball.  Heck he could be the most talented player in the league!  Only 25 years old, he just keeps on getting better and better, baby!  The way he plays baseball is just like dynamite on a stick.  On the mound, you also have Chris ‘I Need a Nickname’ Saunders.  The guy had a 1.82 ERA last year!  1.82!  1.82!  That is ridiculous, baby!  Ridiculous, I tell ya!  That can’t be real.  Stuff like that can only be found in video games!”

“I call BS!” Nelly asserted.  “Check this out.  Florida plays in the most pitching-friendly ballpark in the PEBA.  I’m looking at my notes here and see Saunders had a 3.94 ERA away from Farmer Field and 0.81 at home.  Heck, even I can throw a no-hitter at Farmer Field.  That place is like a cemetery for baseballs.  It is where baseballs come to go die.”

“Ahem… excuse me, guys, your crab cakes and sandwiches are here.”  The resounding voice of the waiter was greeted with pleasant applause and cheers from the crowd.  He must have offered great service to garner such a response.

Without glancing at the waiter, Nelly retorted, “About damn time.  Talk about slow service.  Did you guys wait for the crabs to die naturally out of old age?”

“No,” said the waiter, “but I had to take off my silk tie and watch.  And aren’t you crabby?“Who you calling crabby?”

Nelly turned around, only to realize this was not any ordinary waiter.  It was none other than Drew Streets, the new owner of the Florida Featherheads.  “Oh, sorry, I did no know it was you, Drew,” Nelly stammered.  More laughter from the crowd greeted Nelly’s latest blunder.

With a confident smile, Streets remarked, “Well, I heard you guys were throwing a live Featherheads radio broadcast, so I thought I would drop by.”

The sight of the charismatic Featherheads’ owner sent a sparkle to A.K.’s eye.  “Alright, baby!  Give it up for our surprise guest!  He is none other than the owner of your Florida Featherheads!  Mr. Drew Streets!”  A.K.’s introduction psyched up the crowd; they cheered their approval.  “Everyone’s been questioning the hype, baby.  This has more hype than a Tickle Me Elmo!  Everyone says you are just another excited new owner.  Give you a few months and you will fizzle out like soda pop on a warm Sunday morning!  What do you have to say to that, baby?”

Unphazed, the cruise tycoon calmly replied, “Well, we’ll see about that.  I am here to bring new things to the PEBA.  Soon enough, other people will be saying, ‘Why didn’t I think of that first?’  It is my goal to make Florida the Mecca of baseball.”

Upon hearing Streets’ reassurance, the crowd began to chant, “Mecca, Mecca, Mecca.”

Fed up with the sugarcoated responses, Nelly finally interrupted the love-fest.  “Hey boss, how do you plan to make Florida the Mecca of baseball?  We’ve seen this act before.  New owner buys sucky team.  New owner is happy.  Old fans are happy.  New owner makes promises.  Old fans believe in the horse crap.  Team still sucks.  Promises are broken.  New owner leaves.  Old fans left heartbroken.  Another new owner comes, and the suck continues.  Rinse and repeat.  I want to hear a plan.  Don’t give me a Palin response, now.”

“Well, Nelly, just like my cruise ships, I want to make this baseball team accessible to all ages and walks of life.  It does not matter if you live in Jacksonville, Miami, on the West Coast, or in England.  We will make this team accessible to everyone.  That is why I started the Featherheads.com website as a place for people to read news and blogs and participate in discussions.  I personally asked Serenity Summers to take up the challenge of covering the team.  Taking a step further, I hired a new broadcast team… a team that I feel will not only talk about baseball but cover it with some unique spin and entertainment value.”

“Oh yes, great choice, baby!” a giddy-as-a-schoolgirl A.K. nodded.

A.K.’s remark was met with a smile from Streets.  The Featherheads owner continued.  “We’re not just a baseball team that you read about in a newspaper.  Florida is more than a baseball team; it is a part of the community.  That’s why I needed a broadcast team like you two.  This team deserves much more than words on a piece of paper.  You don’t read Las Vegas in a newspaper.  You live Las Vegas.  That’s why people always ask if you have been to Las Vegas.  No one ever asks if you have read about Las Vegas.  It is the same thing with the Featherheads.  You don’t read about the Featherheads in a Monday morning newspaper while drinking coffee.  You live Florida baseball by going to the games… by going out to Joe’s Crab Shack and hanging out with my new broadcast crew… by participating on the Featherheads.com blog site… by watching webcast episodes covering the team.”

Streets’s words energized the crowd.  Dropping their forks and spoons, they applauded and cheered on their new owner.

“Now I have to get going, but as a parting gift, I have two things to announce.  First of all, I am holding a contest for Featherheads fans.  The top 10 fan-submitted pictures displaying you wearing a featherhead will win free season tickets!”  Streets’s shrewd and cunning marketing ploy was met with a positive reception.  The thought of free season tickets rallied up the crowd.

“As for my other announcement, I would like to unveil the new slogan and marketing campaign for the 2009 Florida Featherheads.  I came up with this one day while drinking some Florida orange juice on my cruise ship.”

Pure Squeezed Baseball:  100% Florida Featherheads!