August 8, 2014
Posted by Anonymous Blogger @ 3:13 p.m.

Most people think of the LRS All-Star Game as the best of the best playing for bragging rights. Teams are proud to show off their players.  Most owners make small bets with one another over who will do the best during the game.

But one owner forgot he had a representative. Seoul Crushers owner Mark Kierstead had no excuse to miss the game, aside maybe from being passed out at his desk. Kierstead didn’t even return calls from the Commissioner’s Office asking where he was.  A day later, he finally returned the calls and explained that he had forgotten, taken his medication (read: booze and pills) and blacked out.

Rumors from Seoul are that Kierstead actually was out of town and knew P Saikaku Tanaka had made the roster but had better things to do.  The recent trip was just another black mark on Kierstead’s professionalism. He was supposed to give a speech to the fans at how he was happy that they broke the attendance record from last year in just half a season. Last season, the team saw around 668,000 fans show up. So far this year, they are well above 750,000.

Some within the organization think it is just a ploy to get funds to move out of Seoul. It makes sense in a way, if you are Kierstead.  He raised average ticket prices from $10.00 to $10.50 just the other day, knowing some fans will show up anyway. I have a copy of a leaked conference call that I’ll post later today; we’ll get more info straight from Kierstead’s mouth then.

UPDATE: Transcript of Mark Kierstead’s Leaked Conference Call
Posted by Anonymous Blogger @ 3:32 p.m.

“Where is Takanawa? She has been gone for four days now! Okay, let’s get started. You all know that this team will be moving, and the fans cannot know. You can blow all the smoke you want to make sure they think we are staying here.

“Fans are showing up while the team is playing poorly. That’s a good sign, but we need more money. Raise the price of water, and better yet, no more of the Dasani water. Start using the toilet water from the restrooms. I have a contractor adding more pipes that will be directly connected to all fountains. A local bottling company will let us use low-wage workers to bottle our own water with used bottles. They will take the bottles out of the trash and reuse them as much as possible. Then we will raise food prices and add 50% more salt to the food to get fans to drink more of that nasty water.

“Our next line of business is turning off the air conditioning by the stands. We will then sell personnel fans that we acquired from certain people who got them free for us. That should bring up revenue a little bit.

“Now my main concern is second half of the season. Fans will not be rushing to the gates, as we are as far out of contention as humanly possible. So what we can do is start promotions like raffles. Winners get free tickets and cash, but we’ll never have a real winner. This way, they buy tickets and we save money.

“Finally if word gets out that we had this meeting, @#!& will hit the fan and heads will roll. Find out where the hell Takanawa is!”