London, UK –

The Pearson Metropolitan Park, new home of the PEBA’s London Underground was officially christened  on Sunday, April 2nd 2034 ahead of the team’s home opener the following day. Though the ballpark did hold its first event – a sold out Foo Fighters concert – a few days prior, this serves as the official opening of the park and most importantly signals the time for baseball is nigh.

All of England was shocked to learn that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II would take part in the ceremony. At a spry 108 years old the Queen has largely retreated from the public eye and in fact has not made an appearance since 2032, instead favoring pre-recorded radio broadcasts or brief appearances on her grandchildren’s podcast “Royal Radio” (really!). As it turns out, the Queen is a huge fan of baseball and after being told for the fourth time about the Underground’s new park, she finally understood and asked to take part. Underground General Manager Cyan Winters, though not a native Briton, could not believe what he was hearing when the call came through from Buckingham Palace. Ever the closer though he understood this was an incredible boon for the Underground and baseball in Britain more generally.

What was originally expected to be a fairly subdued ribbon cutting ceremony turned into the biggest event in Britain, clogging streets, public transit, and the airwaves as loyal subjects clamored to see the shambling husk of the Monarchy smash a bottle of whiskey against the brick façade outside the main entrance of the park. Initial reports suggested that the economic cost in lost productivity, security, and other considerations for the event cost more than the entire Underground player payroll for 2034. Worth it.

The official record states that the Queen did not make any remarks, instead submitting a short essay allegedly written by the Queen marking the momentous occasion. Witnesses noted it seemed as though the Queen attempted to raise her head and speak, but the words were quickly caught up in a raspy cough and a head shake. The Queen was physically assisted in her bottle smash by the only child she has left that hasn’t been cancelled, no-longer-Prince Harry.

The Underground remained tight light lipped regarding their plans for opening day ceremonies, with their head of marketing simply offering a sheepish “we’ll see tomorrow” whenever asked. No doubt the expected capacity crowd of 45,000 Britons is hopeful for another Royal appearance, although the physical condition of the Queen would seem to suggest that is unlikely. Other names floated to possibly take part in inaugural first pitches include Foo Fighters’ front man Dave Grohl, singer/songwriter Ed Sheeran, soccer star turned philanthropist David Beckham, and celebrity chef Gordan Ramsay.

Tickets for Pearson Metropolitan Park are expected to be a hot commodity this year, as nearly 50% of the capacity of the ballpark has been bought up by season ticket holders. The newly built and just barely “finished” Underground station (the train, in this case) attached to the ballpark is expected to become a scalpers paradise, with the team even setting up sanctioned “resale areas” in an attempt to minimize disruption to fans.

The Underground’s inaugural season at Pearson Metropolitan will kick off at 7:05PM GMT against the Charleston Statesmen. Though expectations remain low, the Underground’s 11-13 Spring Training record combined with finishing above Havana and the Scottish have renewed hope that the team might not be embarrassing to watch for the year.