In Point/Counterpoint, a guest writer is invited to debate a topic of interest with NLN’s senior sports writer, Ray D. Enzé.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

POINT
Wounded Borealis Easy Prey for Bakersfield
By Ray D. Enzé, Northern Lights News

Here we go again.  For the fourth time in the six-year history of the PEBA, the Aurora Borealis will vie against the Bakersfield Bears for the right to advance to the SL Alliance Tournament.  The first match-up between the clubs occurred in 2008, the first year of Aurora’s now five-year consecutive run of playoff appearances.  Back then, I tried to warn all you whippersnappers not to take these slugging behemoths lightly, but of course the young never listen to their betters.  Had you heeded my cautioning words, your hearts would not have been so trampled upon when the Bears mercilessly swept our hometown boys in three.

The very next season, Aurora and Bakersfield returned to the scene of the crime.  Again I endeavored to prepare you for the worst, but this was, of course, the season of the Borealis’ Rodriguez Cup run and the stars were aligned for the boys in baby blue.  Aurora easily dispatched of the Bears in four games, opening the door for an alarming underestimation of our mortal foes out west.

2010 saw a break in this clash of polar lights and carnivorous Ursidae, courtesy of the Fargo Dinosaurs, a dangerous challenge in and of themselves.  The Aurora-Bakersfield rivalry resumed last year.  I was indisposed at the time.  Had I been rescued two months sooner, I would have been there to combat your festering overconfidence.  You would have done well to listen, too.  The Borealis squeaked into the Alliance Tournament by the slimmest of margins, holding off a furious Bakersfield rally in the 9^th inning of the winner-takes-all Game 5.

One would think that a sobering enough experience to temper unreasonable expectations, but no!  Once again, the Bears and the Borealis will meet in the SL Division Series.  Once again, Aurora holds home field advantage.  And once again, I hear the same blather around town: “The Borealis have the best record in the league.  Bakersfield isn’t what they used to be.  This is going to be a cakewalk.  Blah-dee, blah, blah, blah.”  Poppycock!  Now more than ever, we must be preparing for a do-or-die fight against this monstrous foe.

Where precisely did this notion that the Bakersfield Bears aren’t what they used to be come from, anyway?  One supposes this foolishness is the result of the fact that in each of the Bears’ previous three postseason appearances, they have qualified despite finishing in 3^rd place in the Desert Hills division.  Back in the MLB days, 3^rd place would earn you a chance to bone up on your golf game before the leaves finished hitting the ground, but times have changed, and 3^rd place in the Desert Hills is nothing to sneeze at.  Consider that the top two teams in the division have each finished with at least 100 wins since 2008.  This year, Bakersfield made it three Desert Hills 100+-game winners.  That’s right; the “lowly” Bears finished an impressive 101-61.  Where I come from, a team that finished 40 games over .500 is a team to be feared.

The anatomy of those 101 wins should be of even greater concern to Borealis fans.  Bakersfield turned it on in the second half of the season, where they accumulated an impressive 52-30 record.  Especially impressive was there stretch during July and August where they went 38-16.  Clearly, these Bears were lying in wait, biding their time as they prepared to launch the full force of their attack.  Don’t get complacent over the fact that Bakersfield finished up the season at a 14-14 clip; by that time, they had the final wildcard spot locked down and were well into “stay healthy” mode.

“But Ray,” you whine, “these Bears aren’t nearly the offensive powerhouse they were in the past.  Jude Pew’s diminished power no longer compensates for his low batting average.  Alberto Delgado is a backup now, and while Josh Emery may replace his thump, he sure won’t replace his speed.  Who body-snatched Cal Edwards and replaced him with a feeble-hitting replica?  These aren’t the ‘Chester Avenue Avengers’ who would see your run and raise you three.”

True enough, friends.  Bakersfield’s offense isn’t what it used to be.  Last year, the Bears socked 197 balls out of The Chocolate Factory at Yum! Field.  This year, that number plummeted to 154.  That mark, along with the team’s 788 runs scored, equaled the lowest single-season total in franchise history.

Try to wrap your head around this: Bakersfield has a new way of attacking teams.  Instead of pummeling you to death with their bats, now the Bears are going to silence your bats.  They do it with a starting rotation that posted a combined 3.18 ERA this season, lowest in the Sovereign League.  Only six rotations in baseball had an ERA less than 4.00; the Bears were approaching 3.00 territory.

Credit GM Jon Rosenblatt for being one of the most aggressive GMs in baseball on the international front.  Tetsuo Okazaki, who came to Bakersfield from the La Vega Luchadors de las Calles of the LDBI Dominican league, may very well have been the best signing of last off-season.  Pedro “Rival” Barrón was a star with the Zapopan Torrenas of the ABSF Mexican league before he became a household name to PEBA followers.  Roberto Alonso was yet another transplanted LDBI vet.  Together with Desmond Barnes and Simon Yates, I’m not sure there’s a better pitching staff in baseball outside of Charleston.

And before you sleep on Bakersfield’s offense, remember that there’s always #25 lurking in the 3-hole.  Though the rest of the lineup may not live up to its “Chester Avenue Avengers” days, Pat Lilly is one Bear that still has bite.

None of this is what really has me convinced that the Bears pose a more serious threat to Aurora than fans believe.  No, the real kicker, friends, is on the injury front.  The boys in baby blue enter the Divisional Series black and blue.  It’s looking like John Knight’s oblique strain is going to keep him out of the whole series, and it’s threatening his chances for the Alliance Tournament should Aurora advance.  Exciting rookie En-guo Guao, the most likely candidate to take Knight’s place on the playoff roster, is himself lost to a nasty knock on the head.  Ángel Lara, who has been a stalwart out of the Aurora pen for years, is recovering from rotator cuff surgery.  And on the second-to-last day of the season, shutdown reliever Bryant Burris gets himself injured and may miss the entire playoffs.

Thankfully, it looks like catcher Wilson Berry is going to be ready when the series starts tomorrow (and not a moment too soon – a platoon of Ernie Card and Bob Keller just ain’t going to get it done in the playoffs).  Still, the team will miss Knight’s on-base skills, and the absence of Lara and Burris leaves a serious hole in the pen.  Meanwhile, Bakersfield is contending with only one injury of note, that being to Claudio Córdova.  Aside from Córdova, the Bears are entering this series at full health and with all guns firing.

I wish there was a rosier picture to be painted, but the truth of the matter is that it’s the Bears, not the Borealis, who have the upper hand heading into this fourth SL Divisional Series tilt between these two traditional rivals.  Though it pains me to say it, I’m predicting a Bakersfield victory in four games.  Aurora is just too dinged up, and the Bears pitching is just too darn good.

COUNTERPOINT
Bears Hope “Era of the Bear” Makes Humans Easy Prey
By Stephen T. Colbert, nationally syndicated conservative talk show host

Nation, I don’t want to frighten you, but we’re nearing a bear-pocolypse.  It’s impossible to miss the signs.  Over the last several years, reports of bear break-ins and smash-and-grabs have gone through the roof.  These brazen behemoths have become bolder and bolder.  It’s gotten so bad that they’re now thinking nothing of launching late-night freezer raids.  I don’t know about you, but if I come across a black bear who has decided to satisfy his case of the “munchies” with a supreme pizza from my freezer, I’m not going to count on him being “mellowed out” from the joints he was smoking.

But “baked” bears are just part of the concern here, folks, because we’re also seeing a rise in bear maulings.  Forget all that tree-hugging claptrap about bears only attacking when they’re threatened.  These are Godless killing machines we’re talking about here.  Do you know what a bear calls a day when it thinks about mauling a campground full of innocent people?  “Tuesday”.

Keep reading the signs and you begin to see the picture being painted.  There’s something much more ominous happening here than just a few extra bear offensives being launched here and there.  No, this is something far more sinister, far more coordinated.  Nation, it is my unfortunate duty to inform you of the facts: The bears are trying to bring about the coming of the fabled “Era of the Bear”.

Bear legend foretells of a time when the “Children of Ursidae” rise up to claim the Earth from humankind.  Apparently there were tea leaves in some of those pilfered picnic baskets and the bears have been reading them, because they seem to think the time of prophecy is at hand and that 2012 is the year in which they shall inherit the Earth.  The Mayans and Roland Emmerich tried to warn us!  Of course, considering the reviews, Roland may have ended up doing the bears a favor with his warning.

The signs are everywhere, folks, and it goes much further than bear maulings or bear pizza thieves.  Think about it.  First, the new Planetary Extreme Baseball Alliance baseball league began play in 2007, and which team led the league in wins that inaugural season?  The Bakersfield Bears.  The very next year, BOOM! We’re hit with the worst bear market since The Great Depression.  Fast forward to 2012.  The Chicago Bears are 3-0 and the odds-on favorites to win Super Bowl XLVII.  Yes, bear sightings are everywhere, folks, and this is to say nothing of the countless times Lindsey Lohan has been photographed bear-ly clothed by the paparazzi.

Like I said, it all kicked off with those California baseball Bears.  They’ve been threatening to win the Planetary Extreme Championship for years.  Now they’re at it again.  For the fourth time in the league’s six-year history, the Bears will be squaring off against the Aurora Borealis in the first round of the playoffs.  The stakes have never been higher.  Not that any steaks are going to be around for long with stoner bears on the loose.

You see, the entirety of Gristly Grizzly Nation is convinced that if Bakersfield can win it all this year, their time will of come and the “Era of the Bear” will be at hand.  They believe that a PEC victory would herald the return of the fabled “Golden Bear”, a murderous, unstoppable brute that will lead his brethren in an uprising against their human masters.  This is a real threat, folks.  We’re talking about two-thousand pounds of furry fangs and claws, devoid of all thought but one: “Eat mor humuns.” Jimmy, I believe we have an artist rendering of what this legendary killing machine might look like?

Now Aurora has the best record in the league and most people are betting on them to beat the Bears, but it’s not going to be easy.  Bakersfield has the best pitching in the Sovereign League, but more importantly, they’ve got everything riding on the line here.  Alberto Delgado, Cal Edwards, Josh Emery and Brian O’Donnell will all be free agents after this season.  The Bears know their window of opportunity may be closing, so you can be sure they’re going to be coming ready to play.

Nation, we need to make sure we get behind the Borealis and give them our full support as they prepare to take on these switch-mauling fiends, because if Bakersfield can pull off the upset and take the Rodriguez Cup, you can say, “¡Adios!” to the days of random bear maulings in isolated campgrounds.  A new era of bear terror will be unleashed upon an unsuspecting populace, and we’re all going to have to bone up on our bear attack survival skills.  Either that, or the next time a group of delinquent bears pass around the ol’ doobie, they may be satisfying their midnight muchie cravings by eating you.