In Point/Counterpoint, a guest writer is invited to debate a topic of interest with NLN’s senior sports writer, Ray D. Enzé.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

POINT
One year Later, Bakersfield Bears Still Stand in Aurora’s Path
By Ray D. Enzé, Northern Lights News

Almost one year ago to the day I was warning you about the danger posed by the Bakersfield Bears. What’s past is prologue, as they say. Here were my thoughts on the eve of the 2008 Sovereign League Division Series:

“Ferocious.  Tenacious.  Dangerous.  These are apt words to describe the Bakersfield Bears.  Make no mistake about it: the Bears are the biggest threat Aurora will face during these playoffs… Look, I hate to be the buzzkill to your premature celebration, but if you’re in this group you need to wake up and focus in.  The team that’s going to take the field Saturday evening is more than capable of taking down the Borealis in a short best-of-five series.”

I received a great deal of haughty emails from overconfident Aurora fans painting me as a grouchy sportswriter desperately trying to manufacture a story. The Borealis ended 12 games up on Bakersfield last year. The team was coming off of a 20-win September. Just the weekend before, they had humiliated the Bears in their own park, sweeping a 3-game series by a combined score of 27-9. “We’re supposed to take the Bears as a serious threat?” laughed the masses. “Please.”

And then it was over before they had even begun to fight. Three games and done. Bing (4-2). Bang (3-2). Boom (7-1). Next thing you know the team in navy was jumping all over one another in the middle of the diamond, the fans at Jonas Field screaming their heads off, while the cocksure Borealis faithful sat watching in stunned silence in front of their television sets.

Aurora had won 112 regular season games. Everyone was gearing up for the clash of the titans once the Borealis inevitably faced Crystal Lake in the Sovereign Alliance Tournament. And now it was the Bears packing their bags for the flight to Illinois while Borealis fans were still trying to figure out, “What the heck just happened?”

Fast forward 364 days, and here we go again. You would think people would have learned from the mistakes of the past, but no; overconfidence is on display in full force. Sure, those same Bears that dismantled our heroes are striding back into town, but things are different this year. We’re the top seed this time around, not #2. This Bears club didn’t crack 100 wins like last year’s did. Plus our boys won 125 games! Forget that paltry 12-game lead of 2008; we finished 30 games ahead of the Bears this year! Nothing can stop us now, right?

Poor, arrogant, near-sighted fools. The Aurora Borealis club that will take the field at Northern Light Park Saturday night is not the club that won 125 games this year. That team had a bullpen that didn’t resemble a MASH unit ward. That team had a rising star “long reliever” that Juan Toro could start against right-handed-heavy lineups with confidence. That team had one of the hottest bats in the PEBA heading into the playoffs. And, of course, that team had the irreplaceable Kuemon Kiyomizu.

Saturday night’s squad will have none of those things. The bullpen is hobbled and cobbled together. It’s Artie Tillman or bust in the #5 spot (though to be fair, the #5 starting pitcher isn’t so important at this time of year). John Knight, brought in over the offseason to spell the starters every once in awhile, will likely be your starting centerfielder. And who replaces Kiyomizu? (Hint: It’s a trick question.)

True, these aren’t the same Bears either. I made a big point about one-man wrecking machine Jude Pew last year. That machine is currently broken, lost for the season with a painful dislocated shoulder injury. Luis Garza and Ken Johnstone, two members of the rotation I highlighted in my previous article, aren’t repeating their success from last year (although Raúl Cortéz is certainly doing his best to pick up the slack).

You can point to all these signs as reasons why Aurora will cruise to victory. Allow me to point to a different sign. The caption reads, “Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!” and the picture above the text is of this man:

A team with Pat Lilly in the lineup is a team that can win any game. He is, quite simply, the preeminent hitter of our time. Perhaps he wasn’t quite as fantastic this year, but you can hardly blame him. With Jude Pew out since July and no longer providing any incentive for pitchers to pitch to Lilly, he hasn’t been getting much to swing at. While this must be frustrating for him, Lilly still posted the 4^th-highest OPS in the PEBA. Every time I look at him, I think about how the Borealis passed him up in the Inaugural Draft for the promise of Salvador Bernal. And I die a little bit inside.

So, again, all you fans expecting a cakewalk: you’re still on notice. You ballclub isn’t what it used to be, and no team boasting the mighty Lilly should be ignored. The Bears remain a serious threat to Aurora’s Rodriguez Cup aspirations. Let’s just hope they don’t get caught looking past Bakersfield again.

Let me finish by sending out best wishes to Borealis owner John Rodriguez, Sr. and his family. Mr. Rodriguez, who was hospitalized yesterday with an undisclosed condition, has been the heart and soul of the Borealis organization. Without him, we wouldn’t have the luxury of overconfidence in our home team; there wouldn’t be a home team at all. May you have a speedy recovery.

COUNTERPOINT
I Still Hate Bears
By Stephen T. Colbert, nationally syndicated conservative talk show host

Nation, it’s time for a Sport Report update. As you may remember, last year I reported on the diabolical threat posed to our nation’s pastime by the reprehensible cretins known as the “Bakersfield Bears”. Of course I’m no fan of bears, but bears armed with baseball bats? What’s next: gun-toting grizzlies hunting us for sport? At any rate, here’s what I had to say about this situation last year:

“As if bears weren’t a big enough threat as it was – roaming freely in our nation’s forests, ravaging innocent campers and stealing our honey – it seems they’re now banding together and invading our sports leagues… Yes, these wooly, clawed bunch of terrorists are based out of Bakersfield, California.  They don’t even bother to hide themselves; they’re openly going by the name of “Bakersfield Bears”.  It figures that they’d find safe haven amongst the left-wing hippies populating California, a state well known to be in league with bears (these traitors even have a bear on their state flag).”

Back then, our #1 hope for fending off these murderous mashing monsters was the Aurora Borealis. These Rocky Mountain heroes were heavily favored going into the series. They had all the advantages: an unstoppable power/speed combination, a vastly superior pitching staff, Divine Providence on their side (oh yes; God hates bears, too).

It would have seemed that victory was assured, but no! Those dastardly Bears swept the Borealis in three games. Shame on you, Aurora, for letting those beasts get the best of you! Don’t you know you’re only encouraging them when you let them win like that? Pretty soon they’ll lose all respect for humans and start ransacking our homes, looking for honey and porridge.

But there’s a chance for redemption. This weekend, the Borealis will once again face these brutish Bears in the Planetary Extreme Baseball Alliance Sovereign League Division Series. Our heroes from Colorado again have the upper-hand heading into the battle. Their offense and pitching is even stronger that before, and this year’s squad won an amazing 125 games to set the PEBA all-time season record. Still, I wouldn’t recommend taking any chances. It wouldn’t hurt to replace the bases at Northern Lights Park with bear traps, now would it?

Now I admit I’m a little concerned. You see, all is not well with the Borealis at the moment. They are missing a number of key players due to “injuries” suffered in the final month of the season. This situation seems highly suspect to me, especially in light of recent remarks by the leader of the “Bakersfield Bears”. This foul creature known as “Jon Rosenblatt” claims to have the inside scoop on how Borealis centerfielder Yasushi Kobayashi was injured. Oh, I bet it does. Kobayashi is lost for the playoffs due to a “scratched cornea”. Just what do you think scratched that cornea? Here’s a hint: it’s brown and hairy, weighs 500 pounds, has razor-sharp claws and is a Godless killing machine.

Kobayashi isn’t the only Aurora star on the shelf. Reports say that designated hitter Kuemon Kiyomizu’s injury is so serious that his career is in jeopardy. Last year I posed the question, “…what good is a Kuemon Kiyomizu home run if he gets devoured rounding first base?” I’d like to apologize to the Borealis since I obviously gave the Bears an idea of how to neutralize their star slugger. I imagine getting eaten by a bear would put anyone’s career in jeopardy.

Now there’s one Bear that poses a particular threat to our heroes. It goes by the name of “Pat Lilly”. Lilly was the top selection of the Bears in the PEBA Inaugural Draft, making him the alpha bear, if you will. I believe we have a picture of this vicious killer.  Jimmy, could we see that please?

Dear Lord, that’s terrifying! Some people are saying Lilly is having a bit of a down year, but I know I wouldn’t want to be on the mound with nothing but 60 feet and 6 inches separating me from that thing. It’d take balls the size of watermelons just to muster the courage to throw it a pitch. I’d probably throw it my shortstop and hope I could make a clean getaway while it devours him.

These Bears make me so angry! We shouldn’t be living in fear of them; they should be living in fear of us! We’re the enlightened culture that brought Baconaise Light and Pancacke on a Stick to the world. What have Bears ever accomplished?

Aurora Borealis, I’m putting you on notice. Don’t let us down like you did last year! It’s up to you to defend our way of life against these minions of evil. Don’t make us rely on a swarm of flies or some doddering old fogies again! All of America is counting on you!