Sunday, May 3, 2009

by Joey Barton

Duluth, MN – When the Duluth Warriors turned over their roster this winter in a series of shameless salary dumps, there was much concern throughout the upper Midwest that, stripped of their shining stars, the Warriors would be unable to field a tenable baseball team.  Instead, the Warriors have thrived as a team greater than the sum of its parts, with five pitchers tied for the team lead in wins.

"It's great to see," said pitching coach Lucas Hoover.  "We thought bringing in Kirby Gibson would solidify the staff at the top, but it has really been a team effort.  It's truly remarkable to see a team with five guys tied for the team lead in wins."

Though some naysayers have seen chinks in the seemingly impregnable Warriors armor, things are looking up for the Duluth nine.  After a slow start in April, the Warriors are undefeated and feeling good in May.  "YES WE CAN!" bellowed President Elect Barack Obama in a recent closed door meeting with the Duluth front office.  When pressed for exactly what it is we can do, Obama rambled about change before leaving the office, trailing in his wake good feelings and the lack of a clear plan.  Meanwhile, Alaskan Gov.  Sarah Palin – still unaware that the election has passed and she should no longer be campaigning – said only that "you can't put lipstick on this pig" before  waltzing out of the building.

Despite Duluth's May dominance, Hoover is quick to point out that Duluth's winning formula has not been followed.  "One player has 100% of the victories in May.  For our team to have success in the long run, we have to get back to where we were in April."

Hoover is a moron.