April 30, 2018: Yuma, AZ — During the last week of April, the Bulldozers won five consecutive games and catapulted into first place in the Desert Hills Division of the Sovereign League. Headlines announced the extraordinary event. 326 miles northwest of Yuma, in the insulated community of the Camarillo State Hospital, the news disrupted hospital procedure.

Head Nurse Peters gave the order: no newspapers on the Men’s Ward. “And turn the television off in the Activities Room. Not a word,” she added, punctuating each syllable with a thrust of her index finger, “Not. A. Word. About youknowwhat to youknowwho.”

The assembled nurses and orderlies knew what. And they knew who.

The only question was how. Could they keep a secret like that from the patients? 

Day Nurse Boogey doubted it was possible. “You can bet your stash of Vicodin,” she said to the orderly standing next to her, “that if one patient hears the news …”

“They’ll all hear it,” the orderly finished her thought. “Including youknowwho.”

Nurse Boogey nodded. “Especially youknowwho.”

The Day Nurse knew youknowwho, and she knew that youknowwho already knew what, because she’d stolen a smart phone for him, and by now he must have figured out how to keep up with all the scores in the baseball league he’d once been part of, including the recent run of unlikely victories by his former team, the Yuma Bulldozers. So why the big effort at secrecy?

“Listen,” Nurse Peters was saying to the assembled staff, “we can’t keep news like this from youknowwho forever. We don’t want to. What we want is to have the time to prepare him for this news, perhaps soften the surprise a little, reduce the possible shock to his system. So, we’re doing this for the patient’s own good. Got it?”

Those still listening nodded.

“Good. Now, one more thing. About the missing cell phone. We can’t have patients making unmonitored phone calls any old time they want to. That’s why we have rules and regulations, people. So let’s find that phone, pronto! Capisci? Start by searching the private and semiprivate rooms. We’ll conduct a bed to bed search of the wards this evening if that doesn’t turn up anything. Okay? Back to work then.”

“Seriously?” Nurse Boogey said to the orderly near her. “We’re going to do a room-to-room search because ol’ Miss Mind Your Manners misplaced her own damn phone?”

The orderly shook his head up and down several times. “She thinks someone stole it,” he said breathlessly. “You shoulda like seen her. She was like … like … oh man, there’s like no words for what she was like.”

As the assembled staff began exiting the room, one of the security guards appeared in the doorway and said something to Nurse Peters, who then froze everyone in their tracks when she shouted, “HOLD IT!”

With a look of utter exasperation, Nurse Peters continued, “Security has just informed me that one of our patients, Mister Youknowwho, has gone missing. They can’t find him in his room nor in any of the patient areas. A search of the grounds is underway now. So people,” she said holding both hands over her head to get their attention, “we’ll have to put off the search for the missing phone for the time being.”

A murmur passed through the staff. Peters waited for their attention. Then she said, slowly and emphatically:

“Find. You. Know. Who!”