L.H. Thompson, Manchester Boutique

4/1/2012: Manchester, NH – Leveraging an unlikely run to the 2011 Pan-Atlantic crown for everything that it is worth, the Manchester Maulers announced plans last month for improvements to Whiten Field.  However, the decision to undertake such improvements – according to a video recording that arrived without a return address at the Boutique last week and which appears to have been produced by a webcam without the knowledge of its subjects – was itself the result of chronic delusion and dubious logic.

Indeed, the Maulers planned, contracted for and sought to construct the improvements in just three weeks.  This wildly unrealistic timeframe, the video reveals, came about after owner Arturo Bruto’s latest harebrained scheme to reunite the tired rock back Bush met with predictable failure.  Bruto’s latest effort – which involved the unwise expenditure of nearly $8 million on a new stadium for Manchester’s short season-A affiliate in Wasilla, Alaska – was spearheaded, unsurprisingly, by erstwhile Head Scout, former General Manager and insufferable jackass Jeff Dudas.

Current GM Morris Cooley, appalled by the series of events that led to the construction of the new Wasilla stadium, hurriedly planned a last-minute expansion of Whiten Field that would, with luck, recoup the severe losses generated by the incompetent scheming of Bruto and Dudas.  Yet, like much else about the history of this shoddy franchise, the round-the-clock construction of the 5,000 seats that will occupy a new wing of Whiten Field (which is named the “Cheney Section”) threatens to delay the Maulers’ April 9 home opener against San Antonio.

While the above summary of this sordid affair is admittedly convoluted and difficult to follow, it is the best rendering that this scribe’s meager skills can produce.  So, dear reader, look for yourself upon the horrors of managerial incompetence and personal delusion.  For presented here, in all of its demented weirdness, is the unedited text of that grainy video recording:

Arturo Bruto: Howdy there, Morris!  How’s it hanging, my man?  Oh, boy!  Yes sir, am I excited today!

Morris Cooley: [disinterested] Are you excited today?

Bruto: Oh, man!  Am I ever!  I’ve got big news… big, big news!  You are going to be so happy!

Cooley: [slightly more interested] Yeah?

Bruto: Oh, oh! [pregnant pause] Hey, what’s your favorite Bush song?

Cooley: What?

Bruto: You know, your favorite Bush song.  What is it?

Cooley: Um, the one with the guitars and the singing.

Bruto: “Machinehead”?  “Glycerine”!  “Everything Zen”!

Cooley: Um, it’s hard to say really.  They’re all so… musical.

Bruto: Don’t I know it!  Wow, if I had a dollar for every day I’ve spent trying to figure out my favorite… [phone buzzes]

Bruto: Hello?  Who’s there?  Who?  Who?  Oh, it’s you, Jeffy. [Cooley guffaws loudly] What do you want?  What?  No, no, wait; hold on.  I’ve got Morris here with me.  I’ll put you on speakerphone… yep, you there?  Ok, go ahead Jeffy.

Jeff Dudas: [nervously, with voice faltering] Um, Artie?  Did you say that Morris was there?  Couldn’t we just talk privately?

Bruto: What?  No, come on now, Jeffy!  We’re all friends here, especially with the big news!

Cooley: [shifting in his seat, with grim anticipation]

Bruto: Woo-hoo!  Jeffy!  Oh, man, Jeffy had the greatest idea! [Cooley appears visibly agitated]

Cooley: Arturo?

Bruto: Hoo-hoo!  Oh, man!  Ok, ok, ok… you know about my dream, right?

Cooley: [anxiety rising] Reuniting Bush?

Bruto: [with visible glee] Ah!  Well, Jeffy had a fantastic idea!

Cooley: [panicked] Oh, no.

Bruto: Oh, yes!  Get this: Jeffy found out Gavin’s favorite state in these here United States!  What do you think it is?

Cooley: [manic]

Bruto: Alaska!

Cooley: Alaska?!

Bruto: And you know what we’ve got in Alaska, right?

Cooley: Oh, God!

Bruto: You said it, Morris!  So Jeffy figures that the thing to do is to build a new stadium up in Wasilla: “Bush League Park”!  With a bronzed statute of Gavin out front!  And for only $8 million!  Bargain-basement prices!  Well, we figure that all the Bush fellas will just have to get up there for the opening and then, when they see each other again, well… presto!  The magic will happen and they’ll be back together!

Cooley: [eyes twitching violently]

Bruto: And I’ll be there, by God, and the next thing you know it’ll be “Bush 2012 World Tour: the Bush League Tour”!

Cooley: [loud thud as his head hits the table]

Dudas: [nervously] Um, Artie?  Yeah, about all of that.  Um, so I, uh, don’t exactly know how to say this.

Bruto: [suspiciously] Jeffy?

Dudas:   Well, um, as it turns out, I made a small mistake.

Bruto: [growing agitated] Jeffy!

Dudas: So, um, well, so you know how Gavin wrote in that 1996 Details article that his favorite state was “AL”?  Well, um, so “AL” is actually the abbreviation for Alabama, not Alaska.

Bruto: [enraged] S&*%, Jeffy!!

Dudas: And, uh, Gavin’s agent and publicist won’t return my calls.

Bruto: Aargh!!

Dudas: [sheepishly] I’m really sorry, Artie…

Bruto: [at full voice] You’ve really let me down this time, Jeffy!  Jesus!  What am I going to do?  Stop the construction, Jeffy!

Dudas: Um, I can’t.  We pre-paid so that the stadium would be ready for Opening Day.

Bruto: [spluttering] Morris!  Morris! [hangs up phone] Morris, come on, snap out of it!  I’ve really stepped in it this time!  You’ve got to figure something out!

Cooley: [reviving] Jesus, Arturo!

Bruto: Morris, please!  What are we going to do?

Cooley: [exasperated] Christ, I’ll figure something out. [Cooley spots something out of the corner of his eye.  He picks up a glossy brochure for “Cheney Pulp, Inc.”  His face turns calm and his eyes flash with determination] Yeah, I’ll figure something out.