Tuesday, February 19, 2013
AP News live coverage of Kuwana Steel Dragons press conference

Media members from all over Mie Prefecture are gathered in a small conference room inside Steelfire Stadium for what appears to be a major announcement.  As Head of Baseball Operations Hiro Tanaka makes his way to the podium, a hush falls upon the crowd.

Tanaka: Ladies and gentlemen, fans of the Kuwana Steel Dragons; welcome to today’s press conference.  Let me start off by saying that, as an organization, we’ve come a long way over the past three and a half years.  We’ve reached a lot of goals in that time.  I remember standing at this very same podium in front of a lot less people explaining my plans to make this a .500 team, a playoff team, even a Neo-Tokyo Cup-winning team.  The past two seasons, we’ve come close but not close enough.  I made a promise to myself last fall that if we couldn’t win a playoff game, I would veer away from my long-term plans and do some drastic things.  So far this winter, we’ve sent shockwaves around the LRS by trading“Wheels” Chien to our archrivals.  We then rolled the dice by mortgaging some of our future on Toyozo Okamoto, a 36-year-old who spends more time on the trainer’s table then on the field.  Now, with our third and final winter blockbuster, we announce the acquisition of a long-time PEBA superstar.  Rather than me introducing this player, let’s show a special presentation made by one of our very talented young fans…

**Camera shifts to Hideki Matsubara, who is in attendance, sporting his brand-new Kirby Gibson #41 Steel Dragons jersey.  Hideki is smiling from ear to ear. Gibson takes the podium.**

Gibson: Thank you, thank you.  It’s nice of you all to show up here on Kirby Gibson Day.  You know, last season… it’s in the past.  Everyone knows that Manchester should have won the championship.  You know why they lost?  Because that jerk Morris Cooley had to stick his nose in and ruin what would have been the most epic pitchers’ duels of all time: Kirby Gibson vs. Conan McCullough.  Instead, he puts in some no-name scrub and has the legendary Kirby Gibson sitting out in the bullpen.  But I digress.  It’s great to be standing here as the newest member of the Evas.

** Gibson’s agent smacks him on the shoulder, then whispers something in his ear.**

Gibson: Steel Dragons?  You mean this ain’t the team with that “Dracula” dude?  I told you I wanted to play for a winner!  Oh well.  It’s great to be here in Japan.  The economy is doing a lot better, lower gas prices, and I can endorse lots of cool little electronic gadgets even though I have no idea what they do.  Now if that’s all, I have some more business to attend to…

Reporter: Mr. Gibson, so far, you’ve only talked about yourself.  How do you plan on helping the Steel Dragons get over the hump this season?

Gibson: Really?  You want to know how I can help my teammates?  I’m Kirby Gibson! The name speaks for itself.  There ain’t never been a pitcher in this town like me before.

Reporter: Do you feel your game will adjust well to LRS style?  In the past, we’ve seen some pitchers struggle when adapting to the smaller ball.

Gibson: In Manchester, I played with this little Japanese boy named Katsunosuki Kichida.  Here in the LRS, he was one of the best players in the league.  In the PEBA, he is nothing.  Everyone knows that the PEBA is where the big boys play and this league here ain’t nothing but a sped-up version of slow-pitch softball.  Kirby Gibson is going to dominate.  The only reason I came here is because I’ll be able to play until I’m 50 and put up numbers that people won’t even be able to count to, let alone reach.  When all is said and done, Kirby Gibson will be the first player to make both the PEBA and LRS Hall of Fame.

Reporter: Kirky, do you plan on embracing Japanese culture while you are here?

Gibson: First of all, the name is “Kirby.”  Kirby Gibson.  Get it right because you’ll be writing headlines about me all year.  Now back to your pathetic question.  Hell, no!  With an $11 million salary, I can fly right in on my private jet and bypass all that Japanese culture garbage.

Reporter: But you’re salary is only $9 million.

Gibson: $9 million is just the base.  I get a $2 million bonus when I win the Sawamura award.  So Kirby Gibson plans on making $11 million this season.  You can take that to the bank.

Tanaka: It’s now time for the photo opportunity portion of our event.  I think it would be appropriate if we let young Hideki Matsubara come up to have his picture taken with his hero.

**Hiro Tanaka steps aside as Gibson and Matsubara embrace in a hug.  Flashbulbs light up the dimly lit room.**

Matsubara: Kirby, if you don’t mind, do you think you might be willing to sign my jersey?  It would mean the world to me.

Gibson: Sure, kid, no problem.

**Gibson grabs a sharpie and proceeds to write on the back of Matsubara’s jersey**

Matsubara: Thanks, Kirby!  I’ll never wash this jersey again.

**Matsubara turns around, exposing the autograph to reporters.  A collective gasp is heard as the crowd discovers that the letters do not spell “Kirby Gibson.”  They spell…”Suck it, Cooley.”**

A few years older, on a new team, in a new league, in a new country… yet it’s the same old Kirby Gibson.