By Tony Contralto, La Cosa Newstra

3/27/2009: Trenton, NJ – This offseason, Mercer County Waterfront Park was once again the scene of heavy construction machinery as the New Jersey Hitmen expanded their home ballpark to 45,000 seats from its former 40,000.  Unveiled today, the 5,000 seat expansion was entirely made up of luxury boxes and suites.   Team officials say that all suites have already been sold for the 2009 season, and the additional income will allow them to cover expected operating losses this season.

“We have a lot of money invested in players this year,” GM Matt Fuller explained at this morning’s news conference, “and while some may be merely one-year rentals, we have to look to the future as well.  Increasing our income is a necessary step to paying the players that make our team great.  While we certainly don’t intend to overpay for talent, we still have to make adjustments for the marketplace.  Players are demanding more and more as interest in the PEBA grows.  We need to maximize our revenue stream in order to stay competitive year in and year out.  We know it’s not likely to win championships every year, but that is always our goal: to field a team that can contend.  How injuries and elements outside of our control interfere with that goal… well, stuff happens, but we feel the great fans of New Jersey deserve to have the best product we can put out there, and it takes money to do that.”

In order to fund the expansion, the team looked to new minority partners James Gandolfini and Charles Barkley to supply some of the funding as well as external fundraising contacts.  Majority owner Tommy DeVito made a rare public appearance recently, announcing the sale of limited shares to the two celebrities.  “Bringing in two baseball fans – two Hitmen fans – is not something I could pass up.  I know Charles has had a gambling problem in the past, but we don’t feel that will be an issue anymore.  I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse, and he and James will use their influence and contacts to help build and sell these luxury suites.  They’ve been promoting the team non-stop on their national radio segment ‘Belly Up’, and we could not be more happy with the results.”

Along with the announced expansion comes word that while average ticket prices will rise, the lower priced tickets will remain the same or, in some cases, cost less.  “Times are tough, and even with the need for more revenue we have to take a look at our fan base and make sure we continue to meet their needs,” explained Fuller.  “And, no, it’s not baseball Marxism,” he continued, refuting opinions expressed by several New York-area economists as well as a former Republican vice presidential nominee.  “I don’t know where some people get their ideas, especially since they don’t read anything, but there’s a reason we put our short season team in Hawaii and not up in Russia’s backyard.  If we make a little more on the luxury suites and can cut some prices for the lower income fan, that’s just good business sense.”

Famed TV chef Bobby Flay agrees.  “I’m glad that Food Network is continuing its relationship with the Hitmen and the Bistro.  And in conjunction with the Hitmen, we will be maintaining or reducing prices on most of our food items.  We support helping out the middle class in these trying times, and will be donating ten percent of our proceeds during select home games to local food banks and charities.”

Rumor has it that Hit-women Christina Milian and Jessica Biel will each have their own luxury suite, though no team official would confirm whether the suites are on opposite ends of the ballpark.  Frank Caliendo is another supposed occupant, and word has leaked that he will host President Barack Obama on Opening Day after the former Democratic Senator throws out the first pitch.  No word on exactly which characters Caliendo will portray when the Fox cameras focus on him in what is anticipated to be many, many times.

Looking to the future, Fuller is optimistic.  “We had to let some guys go, but we’re staying afloat, keeping a competitive team, and working to build for the future.  We may expand the stadium even more after this season – who knows?  We have the best fans in the league, and we want to give them every opportunity to come out to the ballpark and show their support.  We have promotions this year to give one lucky fan a road trip to see our Hilo team live in Hawaii for a week.   We have many promotions with Food Network and Bon Jovi with the Bistro.  We try to give our fans the ultimate experience – a championship caliber team – and hopefully in the end, another pennant and another parade.”