After an entire season of Hartford baseball without a single word to the public from the newly appointed General Manager, Tys Verhey-Henke, he finally accepted a press conference. Although the absence of a GM’s public presence usually leads to a decline in fan interest, this was not the case in Hartford this past year. After little to no expectations and talk of even trading their best(and ugliest player) Starting Pitcher, Aaron Goater, the Harpoon pulled off a late-season run to clinch their division and the postseason.

The Hartford faithful took GM Verhey-Henke’s silence as proof that he was working hard to improve the team. They believed he was abstaining from press conferences to “block out” unnecessary distractions from his main objective, winning it all. This belief spread and rallied them through a miracle run to the playoffs. The fanbase grew and grew without any word from their GM saying that there was a plan moving forward. Going into the offseason, the fans were sure that Verhey-Henke would speak on the team’s success in his first year as General Manager. As we all know, he did not. He went straight into the offseason, trading for superstar third baseman Griff Aspinwall, moving away popular DH/Catcher Claudio Perez, and signing three big free-agent contracts in RF Pedro Coronado, SP George Moss, and 2B Carlos Garza, doing all this without saying a word to the fans, until now.

After a year and a half and thousands of DMs from reporters and sports channels, it was a nicely worded letter from a 17-year-old Hartford fan that finally got Verhey-Henke out of the shadows for a press conference. After news of the conference broke, reporters and fans flocked to Mack Stadium to get the inside scoop. Because Verhey-Henke requested that no cameras be present, our reporters put together what they call a “near-perfect account of Verhey-Henke’s press conference.” This account left us all with even more questions about Hartford’s future and, thankfully, zero injuries. Many are worried that Dennis Hall “f’ed up” choosing Verhey-Henke as GM, while the Harpoon fans still believe that he will bring them their first Rodriguez trophy.

Here is the account:

Verhey-Henke: Hello

*Silence, press waiting for him to continue*
*Silence, press still waiting for him to continue*

*Finally, someone speaks up*

Reporter 1 *Confused* : Um, what finally got you to speak to the press?

Verhey-Henke *with a straight face* : This kid wrote me a letter that said he was curious what my plan for the future of the Harpoon is. I then thought, “If this kid is wondering this, everyone is… and wait, why has nobody asked me for a press conference yet?” I realized then, that when I bought a new phone(with the money I got from this job), I never turned on notifications and forgot to check my DM’s.

Reporter 1 *Baffled* : So you forgot to turn on your notifications and that’s why you’ve never responded to a single message about a press conference?

Verhey-Henke : Yep. And I check my mailbox every morning so I saw that letter right when it came.

*Silence, press waiting for him to continue*
*Silence, press still waiting for him to continue*

Reporter 2 *Getting impatient* : Can we asked you more questions? Do you even want to be here?

Verhey-Henke : I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to. Why are you asking permission to ask questions?

Reporter 2 *Flustered* : Well, you keep pausing like you are going to say more but then go silent.

Verhey-Henke : Oh

*More silence*

Reporter 3 *Slowly* : I guess let’s start from the beginning… When you took over Hartford, what were your first thoughts/plans for team?

Verhey-Henke *Laughing for some reason* : Hahaha, you expect me to remember that long ago? I can hardly remember what I had for breakfast!

Reporter 3 *Stunned* : Do you have some memory problem? Should we be worried about you managing a professional baseball team?

Verhey-Henke : We made the playoffs.

*Silence*

Reporter 2 *Obviously angry about his responses* : It really feels like you don’t want to be here. Can you at least give us and the public some affirmation that you have a plan for the future of this organization?

Verhey-Henke : I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to. I said that already right?

*Silence again*

Reporter 2 *Impatience reaching it’s limit* : Yes you did. Now please, can you tell us your plan for the future.

*Verhey-Henke takes out a cigar, lights it, and takes a drag, ignoring the question*

Reporter 2 *Erupts* : WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THIS EVEN REAL? YOU ARE SMOKING ON STAGE. YOU DON’T GIVE US ANY INFORMATION. ALL OF THIS, AND THE FANS STILL LOVE YOU! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? THIS SHOULD BE PROOF THAT YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT THE TEAM AND YOUR SILENCE ISN’T ADMIRABLE, IT’S COWARDLY!

Verhey-Henke *Takes another drag* : Okay next question please.

*Reporter 2 Rushes the podium but get’s intercepted by security. He is dragged away screaming*

Verhey-Henke *Puts out his cigar, gets up, and walks out the back* : Yeah that’s it. I’m done with this shit.

*Event staff quickly usher everyone out as the police arrive to arrest the “rogue” reporter*

*Nobody knows if we will hear from Verhey-Henke again, but we are all secretly hoping that the reporter has the same fate as Antollini*