Great Lakes Gossip: Heart Throb Juan Velásquez is Muttoned and Ready to Unbutton

Hold on to your pocket warmers, ladies of the north.  Rookie Outfielder Juan “Chief” Velásquez was spotted in downtown Duluth last weekend sporting a new, gorgeous mutton-chop style beard.

In a brief interview conducted while attempting to keep pace with the Left Fielder as he spend down Grand Avenue in an electric green snowsuit on a LED-rimmed Segway, Velásquez told the Times that the Mutton Chop was the “sexual statement of the future,” and that he planned to spread the “prophecy of groove” to the rest of the Warriors clubhouse.

First recorded in the mid-19th Century as a way to stay clean-shaven while still sporting facial hair, the “Burnside” style was popularized by Union General Ambrose Burnside during the American civil War.  Velásquez, 23, is a native of Jarabacao, Dominican Republic–and claims that he has come from afar to “bring the libido of the burnside” to Minnesota and beyond.

According to Velásquez, there is “great power in the burnside” that will bring not only romantic happiness but success on the field to all who obey the “bugle of the burn.”