Sacramento, CA – October 4, 2034

Connor Dempster, former baseball prospect of such PEBA organizations as the Shin Seiki Evas and, more recently, the West Virginia Alleghenies, was arrested and charged with public intoxication, criminal vandalism, and driving under the influence late Tuesday evening. Details are emerging as the Sacramento Deltas player was released after posting bail and then immediately holding an impromptu “press conference” by calling the Sacramento Channel 7 new affiliate WWHD and proffering an unrequested interview.

It seems that after a confused intern was able to identify Mr. Dempster as a minor local celebrity of sorts, the evening anchor, Jack D. Irons, took the call and later released several audio recordings at the player’s behest.

In them, Dempster repeatedly slurs his speech and provides rambling, incoherent responses to Mr. Irons’ inquiries. Dempster, who throughout the call referred to himself as “The Mastodon” and also repeatedly explaining the self-appointed moniker’s unprintable meaning, seemingly wrote the incident that led to his arrest off as a “show for the kiddos”.

After leaving Devils Ballpark approximately two hours after the finish of the season’s final game, Dempster apparently drove one of the park’s maintenance carts out of the stadium while wearing a red silk bathrobe. He drove the cart into the adjacent Sacramento Zoo, which was closed for the evening. Security footage shows him tossing what appear to be cans of beer into various animal enclosures before eventually careening into a child’s birthday party, held after hours in one of the zoo’s pavilions, and doing “donuts” in a grassy area until toppling the cart, allowing an off-duty police officer to take him into custody. It’s unclear what, if any, charges might be brought for Dempster’s distribution of alcohol to the zoo’s inhabitants.

Dempster characterized the incident as an act of generosity in the interview, claiming he was invited by one of the children’s mothers, but was unable to provide a name upon request.

Mr. Dempster was unavailable for comment at the time of this article’s writing, although the author did leave a message when prompted by Mr. Dempster’s outgoing voicemail recording to “leave a message for the ‘Don, if you dare”.