by Roberta Umor, Yuma Sun

20 April 2020—Yuma, AZ: The streets of Yuma, Arizona are once again empty. Businesses have closed early. Residents have been advised to stay home. Downtown feels like a ghost town.

You’d think Frank Miller and his gang were arriving at High Noon.

Instead, the town has been cleared at the insistence of Police Chief John Lekan, who anticipates riots will break out if the Dozers lose. A week ago the Chief prepared for riots after the Dozers lost their first game, after winning six straight. The riots didn’t materialize. The town was quiet on Monday night as news of the Dozers’ 4-0 loss to the Sand Gnats spread among the citizenry.

“I don’t know why,” the Chief said in answer to questions about the riots that didn’t happen last week, “but we caught a break there. I’m not going to gamble the safety of this town on catching another break. We’re prepared again. Better safe than sorry.”

When asked if he were hoping the team would lose this time, after being quoted as wishing for a Yuma defeat last week, the Chief retorted sharply, “I ain’t gonna say nothing about winning or losing. I’m not so stupid as to make the same mistake twice. Whatever happens, win or lose, we’ll be prepared.”

Asked if that meant he feared rioting might occur if the Bulldozers continued winning, the Chief snorted, “You reporters will twist a man’s words left and right ’til you squeeze a story out of ‘em, won’t ya? Well, there ain’t no story here. So pack up your pencils and get outa here.”

Currently, Yuma’s ball club has won twelve games and lost just one. Riots didn’t break out after the club won its first six in a row, and then lost to the Sand Gnats, but now they’ve won another six in a row, and some citizens share the Chief’s concerns.

“It’s only a matter of time,” Miss Maple Mop predicted when asked about the likelihood of riots. “It’s an enviability. We’re going to have riots as sure as we have baseball in the spring and … and … and that other sport, whatchamacallit, in the fall. Yessir, that’s what you call problemability. It’s a branch of automatics, and you know numbers can’t reassemble, oh no, they always speak the truth.”

“Poppycock,” said septuagenarian Jackie Folderol. “Nothing but poppycock. Should I say it again? It’s all poppycock.”

When asked what, exactly, was poppycock, Jackie looked puzzled. “Well,” she said, “I can’t quite remember just now, but it doesn’t much matter. It’s all poppycock. Every word of it.”

It remains to be seen if, indeed, riots will follow the next Dozer loss, or whether this current Dozer team, with its PEBA-leading record of 12 wins and only one loss, are the real thing.

Or just a pile of poppycock.