Transcribed by Michiko Mori, reporter for Ryuku Shimpo

9/15/2014:  Naha, Japan — An odd assortment of individuals sits at picnic tables at Onoyama Sports Park on a lovely September day in Naha. I have been sent with my video team to investigate. As we approach, a teenage girl is addressing the gathering. Why, it’s none other than the star of the popular children’s program, Shin!, one Shin Suitougakari! Our camera focuses upon the girl as we listen in…

Shin: …and I am happy to welcome you all to the first annual Naha Shisa Pennant Race Picnic! I appreciate so many of you showing up on your off-day! Isn’t it exciting to be right in the thick of the race this late in the season?

Koukyo Juunin: Yeah, and Edo is firing on all cylinders right now, so you might as well forget about first place. This is coming down to the last nine games between Naha and Kuwana for the second place playoff spot.

Michiko: Koukyo, I’m so surprised to see you here. I thought you were on the outs with the Naha Shisa organization.

Juunin: They seem to have this policy of forgiveness and redemption. Go figure, with that freak at the head of things.

Shin: Shh, “Uncle” Koukyo. You said you’d be good, and Mr. Seigyoki’s computer is only fifteen feet away. I think he can hear every word that’s being said at this event.

Our camera pans over to a picnic table where a large monitor is placed. It does appear that the unearthly eyes of Iyou Seigyoki are riveted upon Koukyo.

Juunin: (looking a bit rattled) Where’s the damn camera?

Shin gestured to his left and the our camera pans up to catch the equally alien eyes of Aiko the Android, also securely fastened upon Mr. Juunin.

Juunin: Oh…

Our camera moves toward Aiko, who  continues to discuss baseball with scouting director Daisuke Wakabayashi.

Wakabayashi: …has your processor fried, Aiko?! There’s no way we should move Masuda back to leadoff now that Sanu is out. He clearly belongs in the number three or four slot.

Aiko: Although Hogai Kito has functioned admirably in the leadoff spot, I am here to tell you that this is an anomaly that will not continue. He will soon revert to production closer to his lifetime .323 on base percentage. That is insufficient to set the table for our other power hitters.

Wakabayashi: Yeah, well you’re just not able to factor in the human equation to your computations, Aiko. Maybe Kito likes batting leadoff and he will continue to produce. Speaking of power hitters, isn’t it about time for Ticky-tacky to start generating some more extra base hits? Every observation I’ve made shows that he should be producing 50 percent more than he is currently.

Aiko: I have measured subtle fluctuations in the trajectory of his swing and…

Our camera began to move away from the pair, hoping to find a more captivating subject. Then we heard Aiko counting down…

Aiko: …eight … seven… six…

Sweat was breaking out on Daisuke’s face and his mouth was frozen into a rictus of terror.

Aiko: …three …two… one…

Daisuke suddenly dashed toward a small tent that was placed near the picnic table. He zipped himself inside it and we could hear mournful whimpering coming from it.

Aiko: Agoraphobia. He is doing so much better with it. The fact that he was willing to come to this picnic in the first place was a huge step forward for him.

Our camera panned away from the android and focused on a lone figure sitting by himself. We instantly recognized Kimi “Nails” Fujita, even though we was looking very disreputable.

Michiko: Kimi, it is so wonderful to have you back up with the Shisa. We mourn for the loss of your father and wish you the best in the future.

Fujita: So there you are again. You build me up when I come to town and then swarm upon me during my tragedy, giving me no space whatsoever. Build them up and tear them down; that’s what you people do. Why don’t you and the rest of you media parasites go (anatomically impossible expletive deleted).

We are taken aback. He had been so friendly and animated when we interviewed him last summer. Were we supposed to ignore him when his father passed away? That would be irresponsible reporting.

Finally, we can’t resist trying to get a word from the ultimate agoraphobe, owner Iyou Seigyoki. Our camera closes in on the monitor featuring Seigyoki’s persona.

Michiko: Mr. Seigyoki, may we have a word with you?

Seigyoki: Yes.

The monitor screen goes blank. Apparently, there wasn’t much to report here. Sometimes a picnic is just a picnic.