April 19, 2009

By Howard Rourke, Badgers’ beat writer

Fargo, ND – The season has finally commenced for the Kalamazoo Badgers, and it couldn’t have happened a second sooner.  David Ellison’s idleness and hyperactivity led to a handful of experiments to increase player performance.  So far it seems like the grueling offseason schedule has paid very good dividends as the Badgers are playing some of the most exciting baseball in the PEBA’s Sovereign League.  Looking at the 7-5 record, one can easily shrug; but insiders know that the Badger’s are 5-1 with George Crocker in the lineup and possesses one of the most potent lineups from top-to-middle.  Also, the Rule 5 pickups Ángelo González and Frank Brock are playing under a microscope as they both make their case to stay on the franchise’s active roster.

The big news is Crocker going down early in the game against the Borealis on 4/13.  The good news is that one of Mr. Ellison’s offseason ventures was to purchase a special space capsule, which launched on Opening Day and is now orbiting our planet.  This is a special capsule.  It has the resemblance of an Advil gel tab and it can support two people, one at each end of the capsule.  The capsule was christened the “Cosmic Adapter for Excellence.”  Upon the Badgers returning from active duty in the mountains of Afghanistan, Crocker, John Collins and Geoff James were launched via an older Soyuz spacecraft which was retrofitted after being stolen from the Taliban Space Program.

The reason this capsule is special is because it captures the same cosmic rays that made the Fantastic Four what they are today.  While in orbit a week, the three baseball players were bathed in cosmic rays which amplified all their physical attributes.  Ellison was hoping to field a team of mutants but had to settle with lawyers to lessen the effect of the radioactive exercise to that of super-human.  It has been an overwhelming success so far, as Crocker is healing from his knee injury at a Wolverine-like pace, Geoff James’s changeup breaks three times before it reaches home plate, and Collins’ eyesight has become 0.20-0.20.  Next to fly into space, albeit for only a day, will be SP José Chávez.

Players who cannot make it into space have been undertaking another exercise created by Ellison.  They have been undergoing a series of injections of ACVR2B, a new inhibitor of myostatin, which is a natural muscle-limiting protein.  This potent drug has been proven to increase muscle mass in mice by 60% in two weeks, and Ellison feels it well worth any inherent risk.

Other intriguing news is the acquisition of a number of minor leaguers and the hot start of the bats in AAA.  The most impressive to date are veteran Luke Herman and Kien-lung Hsaio, who both have an OPS greater than .850.  Time will tell how long until they break into the PEBA.  Also, 2007 AA standout Hugo Elroza has found a starting spot for the Grand Rapids Rafters.  Highlighting the minor league acquisitions are Chiang-hui Zhang, Yoshifusa Fujimoto and Takehide Hayashi.