June 29, 2019

New York (AP) Radgers and Hommerstein, noted PEBA analysts when they are not writing musical theatre, noted some odd stats while perusing the Canton Longshoremen offensive numbers at the 2019 season’s halfway mark:

Batting Average              .258 – 6th in SL

On-Base Percentage      .321 – 8th in SL

Slugging Percentage       .404 – 5th in SL

On-Base + Slugging         .725 – 7th in SL

Runs Scored                       314 – 12^th (last) in SL

Reportedly inspired by this odd split (the second time in three seasons that the Longshoremen have had an offense that has underperformed from a sabremetric perspective), the noted duo is reportedly working on a new musical and dancing extravaganza with the working title The GM and I. Here is a preview of one of the completed songs from that eagerly anticipated production, tentatively titled A Puzzlement:

When I was a boy, baseball was better spot
What was so was so, what was not was not
Now, I am General Manager, baseball have changed a lot
Some things nearly so, others nearly not

There are times I almost think
I am not sure of what I absolutely know
Very often stats cause confusion
In conclusion, I concluded long ago

In my head are many stats
That, as a sabremetrician, I have studied to procure
In my head are many facts
For instance, OBP is Life, I was sure
Is a puzzlement

What to tell growing son?
What for instance, shall I say to him of Isolated power?
Shall I educate him on strength up the middle?
Shall I tell the boy as far as he is able
To respect the walk and with defense not to fiddle?

Shall I tell him walk is as good as hit
And the better of the two is really neither?
If I tell him this I think he won’t believe it
And Vapor Lock sure don’t believe it either

When Bill James was a king
He was a king who knew exactly what he knew
And his RC/27 was not a thing
Forever swinging to and fro and fro and to

Shall I, then be like Bill James
And acquire every hitter who take and rake?
Or is it better to be right?
Or am I right when I believe it all is fake?

Shall I join with other GMs in alliance?
If my lineup is weak, am I not best alone?
If other GMs are strong with power to protect me
Might they not protect me out of all I own?

Is a danger to be trusting sabremetrics
Where stolen bases are just unrealistic wishes
But unless someday somebody cross the plate
All these “hitters” will be swimming with the fishes

There are times I almost think
Nate Silver not know what he absolutely know-whoa
Everybody make projection
Rob Deer a Hall of Famer, he concluded long ago-whoa

And it puzzle me to learn
That tho’ a scout may be in doubt of what he know-whoa
Very quickly he will fight
He’ll fight to prove that that he not Tatsuzo Oooooo-No.

Oh, sometimes I think that stats are going mad
Ah, sometimes I think that scouts not so bad
But not matter what I think, I must go on as GM
As leader of my franchise, I must go forth
Be director of my scouts and decider of my team
Etcetera, etcetera and so forth

If my Lord in Heaven Branch Rickey, show the way
Every day I try to score some runs that day-yay
If my Lord in Heaven Branch Rickey, show the way
I be able to trade Jose Camacho away-yay

But is a puzzlement

Fresh off of their startling success mixing PEBA and Broadway, with such hits as South Crystal Lake, The Sound of Strikeouts, and Kentucky!, critics are expecting The GM and I to be another blockbuster hit.  Negotiations are reportedly under way for Dustin Diamond to play the title role.