Scottish Scoops: 29.027 "Tales From The 'Toum, Episode 1"
Posted: Thu Oct 31, 2019 2:18 pm
(Theme music to “Tales From The ‘Toum” plays as the television screen shows a variety of shots of Haboob Field, the new home of the Khartoum Raiders, under construction. The view then cuts to a large anchor desk, behind which sit two men wearing royal blue Raiders baseball caps with the team’s red stylized “K” logo.”)
Dean Leslie: Good evening, Raiders fans! My name is Dean Leslie – I used to play in the Planetary Extreme Baseball Alliance for the Dayton Flyers and a few other teams … well, many years ago. But I am thrilled to announce that I’ve been named as the play-by-play announcer for Khartoum Raiders’ ballgames this season, and I’ll also be hosting “Tales From The 'Toum,” a weekly show about all things Khartoum Raiders!
Joining me is my broadcast partner, Faisal al …..
Faisal: Ah … let me stop you there, my friend.
Leslie (looking surprised): I’m sorry, did I mispronounce your name?
Faisal: No, of course not friend Dean. Your pronunciation was perfect! But you were about to give an incorrect last name!
Leslie: I was?
Faisal: Yes, partner Dean. But you could not have known. Last night, I went on the Wikipedia to learn more about this new sport of “Baseball.”
Leslie: Well, it’s not exactly new. It’s been around for nearly 200 years …
Faisal: Of course, in your America it is an old and venerated pastime. But here in Sudan, it is a glistening new toy!
Leslie: Oh, yes, certainly.
Faisal: So, I went on the Wikipedia to learn more and at first I read about your mighty Wilt Chamberlain and his Los Angeles Lakers …
Leslie: Um. Faisal …
Faisal: And I thought, “I shall adopt a new broadcast identity and take the name of one of the heroes of my new sport – Faisal Chamberlain has such a ring to it, no? And the mighty Wilt had many, shall we say, conquests of the romantic variety. It seemed perfect.
Leslie: Um, Faisal …
Faisal: But then, co-host Dean, tragedy! Catastrophe! I had the …
Leslie: … wrong sport!
Faisal (surprised): Yes, companion Dean. I had the wrong sport. How did you know?
Leslie: Well, I don’t think Wilt ever played baseball, our sport. He played basketball, which is another game entirely.
Faisal: Yes. You westerners with your bewildering array of sports. But I did, compatriot Dean, learn of my mistake. I saw a picture of mighty Wilt in his uniform, and I realized that it did not look at all like the pictures of the Raiders uniforms I have seen.
Leslie: No. For one thing, baseball players don’t wear shorts … unless you were with the Chicago White Sox in 1976 … but that’s a whole other story.
Faisal: You talk in strange riddles, neighbor Dean. But yes, I realized my mistake soon enough, and used your “Google” to find the correct sport. At first, I thought I would call myself Faisal Ruth after the Bambino himself, the powerful Babe Ruth. But then I saw a picture of the Babe … he was rather … um … how should I put it?
Leslie: Large?
Faisal: Tubby. That is not a fitting image for my broadcast identity.
Leslie: No, I suppose not. But Babe Ruth was an awesome player …
Faisal: No doubt, no doubt. But not the romantic powerhouse like the mighty Wilt, eh?
Leslie: Seems unlikely …
Faisal: But then, the prophets spoke, colleague Dean! I clicked a link and found a most fitting role model for yours truly. A baseball player without compare, and a hopeless romantic without peer who courted and married one of the most beautiful American movie stars of all time …
Leslie: Oh, please. You’re not going to call yourself …
Faisal: Yes, of course: for our legions of Khartoum Raiders fans, I shall be known from this day forward as Faisal DiMaggio!
Leslie (looks at Faisal and blinks, slowly): Really?
Faisal (sounding more than a little irked): Most certainly casual acquaintance Dean. It is the perfect name: an athlete without equal, and a handsome man with a tragic, eternal love affair. Is it not romantic?
Leslie: Well … it’s something.
Faisal: It is perfect!
Leslie: All right, folks. Unbelievably, that’s all the time we have tonight. Tune in next week when we’ll actually talk about your new hometown team. I promise!
For now, though, I’m Dean Leslie …
Faisal (beaming): And I am Faisal DiMaggio …
Leslie (shaking his head in disbelief): … Saying good night, Khartoum!
(Closing theme music plays as the camera pulls back, showing Dean Leslie with his head in his hands and Faisal bobbing to the music with an immense grin on his face, before the image fades to black.)
