Cash Flows in the Tuscarawas
by Frank Terry, Canton Repository
1/12/2008: Canton, OH – A recent look at the books of the Canton Longshoremen revealed something not seen often in the economically hard-hit northern Ohio city: money. Canton ended the season in a financial slump that mirrored the one that the team was experiencing on the field. Whence, then, came the cash?
GM Brad Dobney was the obvious candidate to explain this little mystery to us. "Do I know where we got an extra $5 million? Not really; I struggle with math anyway. Are you sure it isn't just an addition mistake?" After being assured that it wasn't, Dobney raced off to call his wife. So much for that angle.
We began to look elsewhere for explanations. Aliens were ruled out after about .75 seconds of consideration. Giants who dropped coins from their pockets also seemed absurd. Robert McGillivantic, newly arrived from Omaha, suggested that maybe it was "the bounty of a merciful God." While we here at the Repository do not wish to anger any deities, we don't think it likely that God deposits money to struggling baseball franchises.
As the theories rolled in, things did not become more clear. Here, Canton fans, is the final story. Our beloved Longshoremen have an extra $5 million to spend on extensions and free agents this season. No one knows where the money originated or why it is here but, like the guys from space in Signs, it's here. Now it falls to Dobney to spend it well. Cash like this cannot just be taken for granted. If Dobney had only followed my September advice ("Riley alone has looked like a real player for the entire year. Please, I beg of you, resign him. I don't care what it takes."), maybe we would be in a place to use it.
-----Campbell's Corner-----
Well, I'm back Cantonians. It's been an interesting offseason so far. George left for the hills of West Virginia, my wife had our first son and I started law school. But, that is not the reason you read this. Well, fear not: I have found another great indie band for your musical enjoyment. The Graduate hail from Springfield, Illinois and have a sound somewhat reminiscent to early Brand New or maybe a more introspective Taking Back Sunday. The second single off the disc “Anhedonia” is the song Anhedonia, a solid tune about the feeling of loss of emotion. Do yourself a favour and check them out; you'll enjoy it.
Arron Campbell has continued to live in my home as he dates his way through the beautiful women of the area. The freak has also purchased a dog that is not allowed anywhere near my property. I honestly think it lives in his car. He and I will be at an autograph signing at The Barley House on Main St. in Akron this Saturday. Join us there; the first 50 people to correctly pick us out of the crowd win free drinks for the night.
Remember to tune in to Fox Soccer Channel this Sunday to watch Chelsea attempt to cap a stunning run back for the Premier League title.