Will it Ever End?

Message

#1 Post by **Coqui** » Wed Mar 12, 2008 3:43 pm

by Frank Terry, Canton Repository

9/9/2007: Canton, OH - The baseball season in Canton is dragging like the ending of Dances With Wolves and, while Kevin Costner is yet to throw a pitch, one gets the feeling he must somehow be involved in something this bad lasting this long. General Manager Brad Dobney commented this week on the general malaise. "It's getting bad isn't it? We are finally up to the .400 mark but I don't see any parades getting thrown for that. We suck, it's true. We are just pants right now."

Dobney continued to rant: "No, I don't see an end in sight. When one guy gets better, others get worse. Look at our rotation (if you can stomach it). Holloway pulls it together and Alonso and Gómez self destruct. I hate those guys. Is this off the record?" After being informed that it was not Dobney said some things that, even on the record, would not have been printable.

Here is one reporter's take on what should be the priorities in Canton this winter:

Starting Pitching: It wins games and championships. A 4.92 starter's ERA is not getting the job done.
Relief Pitching: A 5.11 bullpen ERA isn’t exactly glistening either.
Some team speed: 14 stolen bases? Really? Is Helen Keller the one sending in the signs? At least try to run.
Sign Waylon Whaley and George Riley: Riley alone has looked like a real player for the entire year. Please, I beg of you, resign him. I don't care what it takes.
Not freeze to death: It snows here. A lot. Actually, no one will care if Dobney freezes.
It hasn't been all bad in Canton this year. We do, after all, finally have a team to cheer. Hopefully 2008 will bring with it some decent baseball. Maybe, just maybe, Dobney has a plan. I doubt it, though; I hate that guy.

-----Campbell's Corner-----

Last time I mentioned the musical brilliance that is Brand New. This week I am giving you a heads up on a local band (from Kent, actually) that has considerable potential and could be on their way to being a worthy CD buy. I am talking about Bonk. Drop by their site and give them a listen. They bring a harder sound than most of what I prefer but blend it very nicely smooth and harmonious vocals.

Don't fear; that is not all in the Corner. You all know that Arron Campbell and I have been recently signed to extensions. I have been asked hundreds of times if we are related and, no, we are not. He came here via trade and has been living with my wife (yes, she is that girl from Law and Order) and I in our house in Monticello in North Canton but we are not brothers or cousins, we are not dating each other and we don't share food. I think that answers everything. That said, he's a great guy other than the fact he likes Nickelback and dogs, two things I can't stand.

* Special note. The original pic of Bonk (the two white guys) was not of the right group. The editor of the Repository regrets the confusion this may have caused.

#2 Post by **John** » Wed Mar 12, 2008 4:24 pm

Note from management: We apologise for the fault in the linked picture posted with this article. Those responsible have been sacked.

Tyler · #3 Post by **Tyler** » Wed Mar 12, 2008 4:32 pm

Borealis - Commissioner wrote:Note from management: We apologise for the fault in the linked picture posted with this article. Those responsible have been sacked.

This can only mean one thing.

Peruvian battery-powered llamas!!!!!!!!!!!

#4 Post by **John** » Wed Mar 12, 2008 4:35 pm

The credits have been completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute.

Tyler · #5 Post by **Tyler** » Wed Mar 12, 2008 4:36 pm

Borealis - Commissioner wrote:The credits have been completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute.

The first time I saw that movie I missed the second five minutes because I was laughing too hard at the opening credits.