April 24, 2011
A.K. & Nelly

A.K.: Hey yo yo, baby, it’s Batman and Robin!  Tom and Jerry!  Peanut butter and jelly!  Sonny and Cher!  It’s the awesome duo of A.K. and Nelly, live in your house!  Welcome to WFLA 1060!  Baseball is back like a fat kid coming back for second helpings!  We got another great show for you all today!  Just like every day!  Nelly, tell us what we got on tap for today!  Tell ’em, baby!

Nelly: What do you want me to tell the listeners?  If they want to know what is on today’s show, they can keep the dial on 1060AM and find out for themselves, damnit.

A.K.: A little bitter today, are you Nelly?  What happened?  Do you have John Roach on your fantasy team?

Nelly: No, I actually have Frank Helms, but that’s beside the point.

A.K.: Why won’t you pick up Anthony Cox?  He’s a hot pickup.  You better pick him up soon, baby!

Nelly: Just drop it, A.K.  I’m not bitter about Helms or any of my players, ok?

A.K.: What’s wrong then?  Are you mad that your favorite golfer is in the news for the wrong reason?

Nelly: Just forget it.  Let’s get on with the show already.

A.K.: Roger that, baby!  On with the show!  Well if you are not bitter already, this sure will get you bitter.  The biggest buzz in Florida recently has gotta be Mark Richardson lashing out at Florida and more specifically at team trainer Tom Morrison.  The now Aurora shortstop breaks his silence and goes Hurricane Andrew on innocent Floridians!

Nelly: Yeah, I heard about that.  What’s up with that?  The state of Florida was bonkers for Richardson when he used to wear the sky blue and red.

A.K.: I feel so dirty now.  I can’t believe I defended that guy.  I’m sorry, Kichida!  You’re no Jennifer!

Nelly: Man, this Richardson guy is such a two-faced liar.  Wanted to stay in Florida?  What a load of bull!  More like he wanted to stay in Florida for the right price – for the right price of $20+ million!  He wanted to be paid about one-fourth of the team’s entire roster salary.  Let’s get the facts straight!  Florida got things right after he left.  The Featherheads did not make it to the Promised Land until he left!  Coincidence?  I think not!  Aurora, I hope you are happy with Richardson.  Who knows, he might bring with him a curse.  It’s no wonder Aurora did not make it to the final dance last season.  Bring on the curse!

A.K.: Speaking of Aurora, Nelly, did you hear about the “Richardson Rule”?

Nelly: Richardson Rule?  What’s that?

A.K.: Well, just this past week, the PEBA announced that they would examine crooked contracts more carefully, especially contracts where players take less money each season.  Richardson‘s contract is very peculiar.  In Florida, it was known he would not settle for anything less than $20 million per season.  Magically, once he arrived in Aurora, he signed a sketchy contract.  Most players usually have their agents go for escalating contracts.  But not Richardson.  Him and his agent went for a deescalating contract.

Nelly: Oh yeah?  Really?  Let me check out Richardson‘s contract with my iPhone.  Let me get on this website and check out his salary.

……

……

Nelly: Grrr!  No signal!  I hate AT&T!  I can’t even get some friggin’ reception in here.  I always get dropped calls, missed messages, and lost texts!

A.K.: You should get on Verizon and go with the Droid, baby!  Anyway, no need to check, partner!  Richardson‘s contract eventually drops to $13 million in year 2016!  That’s fishy isn’t it?  Who in their right mind would take less money each season?  Where’s the inflation, baby?  I wouldn’t be surprised if there is something going on underneath the table.  Cheating and bribery does not belong in the PEBA!  Cheating is for amateurs!  Like college football!

Nelly: Come to think of it, didn’t Crystal Lake made some questionable extensions recently, too?

A.K.: Geez Louise!  You got a point there Nelly!  I guess you can call it the “Evil Empire Rule”.  Do you find it weird that these rules go into effect after the Evil Empires have reaped the rewards?  Where’s the Commissioner?!  Oh wait, the Commish happens to be… ha, no need for me to go there, baby.  You guys know where I was going with that.  On top of that you got peculiar things going on in New Jersey.

Nelly: Maybe we need to get a PEBA official on 60 Minutes to sort out all this crookedness.

A.K.: Oh wow, baby!  I’ve been alerted that Florida trainer Tom Morrison is hanging on the line.  Let’s go to Tom now!

Tom: Hey guys, good to be on the show.  I heard about Richardson‘s comments on *bleep*.  I can’t believe he said such things about me after all the things I did for him.  I used to tape up his ankles all the time and oil up his baseball glove.  After all the thankless things I have done, I can’t believe he would blast me like that.  It truly hurts.  I thought me and him left on good terms.

Nelly: I wouldn’t worry about it, Tom.  Richardson is just blowing hot air.  Maybe he’s off his rocker.  Blame it on the thin Colorado air or the bean ball, I say.  Just look at him.  He does not even remember playing shortstop.  He won an All-Leather Award at shortstop and does not even remember it.  I guess he misremembered.

Tom: Yeah, I suppose you are right.  Poor Ice Cold does not even remember playing shortstop.  Head injuries and concussions are serious issues.  Then again, what do I know about injuries and such?  I’m just some head trainer that has been wrong – more than once, I might add.  Frankly, I don’t even know why I am employed.  We just make dumb moves over here in Florida.

A.K.: Yeah!  Let it all out, Tommy boy!  Tell us how you really feel!

Tom: Ok, since you insisted… *deep breath* Let me give you the scoop on Richardson‘s “Ice Cold” nickname.  Richardson did not get that nickname while playing in the Minneapolis snow.  His nickname originated back in 2007 when he first joined the Featherheads.  Being from Minneapolis, Richardson was out of place on the sunny beaches of Florida.

Richardson was what you called a baseball geek.  Pablo Durango scouted Richardson heavily before urging us to take him as the 5^th overall pick of the inaugural draft.  I remember Durango raving about Richardson‘s baseball geekiness.  He lived and breathed baseball.  He studies the game of baseball like no other.  He worked hard on improving himself.  His baseball intelligence and work ethic were off the charts.  And when he was not playing baseball due to the bad weather, he would lock himself in his room to play some game called Civilization.  Who in their right mind would host Civilization games?  As a result of this, Richardson was not much of a social butterfly.

A.K.: Ahhh, no wonder baseball analysts criticized his leadership ability.

Nelly: Yeah, I question his loyalty too.  That two-faced liar!  I bet his loyalty rating is real low in “PEBA ’10: The Show”, the video game.

Tom: Besides being dedicated to baseball, the snowy Minnesota life did not help his social life.  So once the 24-year-old Richardson arrived to Florida in 2007, he had no clue how to handle Florida‘s amazing night life.  Thankfully for Richardson, he befriended fellow teammate António Coronado.  Coronado was from Greenacres, Florida, so he knew where all the hot spots were.  Coronado would try to loosen Richardson up and take him to the Miami night clubs.  Being a baseball guy all his life, Richardson knew nothing about the ladies or just plain life in general.  Richardson was a total stiff at the night clubs and beach parties.  He would stutter around the ladies and just freeze up.  It was so bad that Coronado called him “Ice Cold”.  Of course, word quickly broke out in the clubhouse to the point that it was a running joke with the ballclub in 2007.

A.K.: Haha, wowzers.  That is too good to be true.  You sure you are telling the truth, Tom?  What’s next?  You gonna say you saw Bigfoot?

Tom: Well, the proof is all in the pudding.  If you don’t believe me, just take a look at Richardson’s auction date.

Nelly: I remember that.  That was one awkward night.  Um, let’s leave it at that.

Tom: Thank you guys for letting me clear the air.  I have to go attend some matters.  Dustin Moyer has a sore back.  Oh wait, I don’t think I am qualified.  I might make a crazy diagnosis – like tell him that he’s going to lose his spleen.  Or even more crazy; I will diagnose a shoulder inflammation as a four-month injury.

*click*

A.K.: We usually do not get a chance to get Tom on the show.  Usually, we try to get players or coaches onto the show.  So that was nice to see Tom the Trainer get a chance to defend himself against Richardson‘s outlandish claims.

Nelly: Damn straight.  The Featherheads will have none of Richardson‘s nonsense!  For three years, Florida opened up their arms for Richardson.  So Florida will not put up with his cheap shots.  Florida… the Featherheads… the Tribe will strike back!  Richardson you can talk about snow bunnies all you want, but Florida has surf hunnies!

A.K.: Oh yeah, baby!  I’ll take surf hunnies over snow bunnies everyday of the week and twice on Sundays!  Give me Florida‘s very own Christa Alves over any snow bunny!

*inaudible whispers of Nelly talking to someone*

Nelly: Awww man, do we have to go to commercial now?  I was just getting warmed up.  I got the blood flowing and juices cranking.

A.K.: Yeah, time for a commercial break!  We will be right back for segment two of our show.  Don’t you even think about changing the station!  We have a fabuloso show ahead of us!