April 18, 2022—Herein, please find the initial element of the documents that comprise the Cliffi-Leaks scandal, as we reported earlier. We should let you know that the number of reports and documents is quite mountainous, but we have our climbing gear on and we have puffed up our resolve to match that of a contestant on the currently popular Acountant Ninja Warrior webiview show.

There has been much discussion throughout our offices about the order with which these should be seen. (And there will continue to be such conversation, since information is still being revealed …yes, indeed folks, we are a first class news organization and can therefore assure you that we’ll get the information here more quickly than any other aggregator. We can make this promise and back it up because we trust you are smart enough to sort out the false stuff all by yourself, thereby removing our need to fact-check or take any other action that would impede our ability to get you the information you need and want. We respect you that much.)

Given, however, that we are here for no other reason but to serve you, our staff has determined that it makes sense for the first piece we release to be an overview of the Rising Sun division from within the comfortable circle of the Lupin brain trust. This piece is undated, but is rumored to have been penned to support a staff session prior to the winter meetings, which would peg it as having been created on or around December 5th-8th of last year. The author is unknown, though it has the ring of a person who sits in a central role (perhaps, shall we say, a general manger?).

We need to warn you that while it is not our intent to fascinate, entertain, or otherwise titillate the reader, these documents may contain harsh language, or opinions that might be controversial enough to make you want to put your hand in a wood chipper and move to Topeka. We are sorry for this, but it is the price you pay for a real education.

That said, you can click the “buy now” button for a membership to our “Expedite Me, You Big Beautiful Rumormongers Club,” which will entitle you to receive a special password to the portion of our site where we pre-post these documents, a step that will allow you to seem particularly savy among your buddies and significant others because you will get to see them thirty minutes before anyone else you know. (*)

 (*) Unless, of course, they also join the “EMYBBRC.”

Here is document #1:

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The Order of Battle for 2022

The Rising Sun is a division made up of the five stable organizations that remained in Japan after the mega-merger that brought the LRS into the PEBAverse. As a result of the extreme nature of this annexation, as well as the general tensions, discriminating behavior, and internal biases that exists among some characters in the PEBAverse (can we say the name of a certain agent or two? I knew we could), four of the five teams continue to suffer extreme growing pains as they attempt to become competitive with the rest of PEBA baseball. The other is, of course, the Eva-present scourge of the division.

These teams are:

Neo-Tokyo: The Akira are a proud organization that managed to win two LRS championships, despite never standing atop the Bright Blade Division. Their move into the global world of American-flavored baseball was typical for them, a second placement in the division despite a losing record. This is a team that is often difficult to beat, but an organization that rarely wins big. Though we expect the Akira to be in the mix all season, they seem to be in the gray zone of another in their long string of mini-rebuilds. We’ll see what GM Ron Hiscock has up his sleeve as the off-season progress, but we expect his normal strategy of a partial all-in.

Niihama-shi: The Ghosts had a long run of stability under GM Mike Dunn, but have struggled to maintain a sense of purpose the last couple seasons as their management staff has turned into a revolving door. The owner’s recent gambit seems to be set on bringing in PEBA veteran Paul Tanner, which to my mind would seem to be a wind-aided home run, but only time will tell if it’s fair or foul. Tanner has not accepted, yet, but if he does it seems logical to expect a flurry of activity that’s focused on the future. He’s one of those guys who beats on the rug until all the dirt falls out, if you get what I mean [ed: we admit fully that we don’t].

Okinawa: The Shisa are, as always, an enigma. They have a secretive nature that just gives me the willies, and our attempts to discover any true sense of their nature have routinely caused us to feel like we understand less after the fact than we did at the beginning of the operation. As a result, we called off Operation Eye in the Pie, and will move on to a different tactic. We’ve got to be able to get better data about how Morris Ragland’s operating team functions if we’re going to be able to out-flank them. Anyway, the organization has a certain sense of class about them that comes from a six-season run of play-off quality ball in the mid-and-late teens, but haven’t played .500 ball the past two seasons. Lupin and the Okinawa Shisa (previously, Naha) represent the two ex-Bright Blade Group teams in the division. As such, at least the Shisa have a positive historic basis to fall back on.

Shin Seiki: The less time we spend thinking about the Eva Empire, the better. Every aspect of this organization (from its pristinely clean front office down through to its fan base) seems to consider itself the class of the division, and as such feel the world is at an end when the money isn’t rolling in (which is never). Vail is pretty danged hoity-toity for a guy who has always played with more resources than the rest of Japan. [ed: though records are incomplete, it is true that back in the earlier days of LRS history SS pulled in revenue in the $80M range while other Japanese teams were taking in more like $30M-$50M. However, financial records from the earliest years suggest that such a financial gap may not have existed in the days of the LRS origins]. They won 100 games last season, and think they will win 100 games again this season. The most irksome thing about it all is that they probably will. Bottom line: any deal that helps Kevin Vail is a deal that shouldn’t happen.

Lupin: We all know the heroic story of our team’s existence—how, after suffering through a decade of ill luck and miserable failure, our rag-tag team of indefatigable heroes in yellow and lavender rose from the ashes and brilliantly parlayed intelligence, discipline, and hard work into victory and redemption when our injured hurler returned to the fray in just enough time to lead us to be the last valid claimant of the illustrious Neo-Tokyo Cup. After such a rise, we suppose it was only logical that the spirits caused us to suffer the fate we did in 2021. Humbled, we must re-double our valiant efforts to enter 2022 ready to do battle.

So, folks, that’s the scoop. Please come to our off-site session tomorrow with these frameworks in mind. Croissants and coffee will be served at 8:15, and our discussion will begin at 8:30. Go Hangers!

[ed: this ends the first document of Cliffi-Leaks]