Roberta Umor, Yuma Sun

May 19, 2018: Yuma, AZ  — For the second time in two weeks, riots broke out in Yuma, Arizona. Last week, fans took to the streets when the Bulldozers, traditional residents of the Sovereign League basement, surged into first place. This week, the rioting was apparently caused by the Dozers losing five games in a row and dropping to third place.

“The Dozers can’t do this to us!” one distraught fan cried.

“Yeah, it’s like unfair, man,” her companion added. “Like it’s like having to sober up, you know, like before you even get to enjoy being drunk!”

Initial reports indicated that far less damage to local businesses was caused by last night’s rioters, leading one homeowner to speculate that “Losing is better. They’ll get used to it,” she added, referring to the largely young male crowd milling in the streets. “Winning definitely brings out the worst in people.”

With Yuma now 4.5 games behind the division-leading Reno Zephyrs, downtown businesses anticipate a slight drop in customers over the next few days. “We’re hoping and praying those boys get their act together and start winning again,” said Mayor Alan Krieger. “Soon!”

Not all businesses have experienced a drop in customers. Business at Anna’s Mexican Food, a favorite of locals for many years, seemed unaffected by either the Dozers’ brief residency atop the division or their recent fall from fame.

Success is fickle, according to local waitress Lauraine Palm. “Like I told you last time,” she said referring to our previous interview, “the bubble was gonna burst sooner or later, that’s fate, and then this town just gets more depressing than usual. And it was pretty depressing to begin with.”

“But win or lose, sweetie,” crooned the restaurant’s owner, Anna, “people gotta eat. And you gotta get back to your tables.”

The general concensus of the patrons at Anna’s was that winning was better than losing. Though one old curmudgeon would hear none of it. “Winning is for wussies,” he exhorted a handful of customers. “Losing gives you soul. Losing makes you who you are. Losing is real.”

One young couple shook their head at the old man, but declined to comment. 

A well-known local artist was less concerned about the ruckus in the streets than the effect the news of the Dozers’ demise would have on the team’s GM, currently undergoing therapy at the Camarillo State Hospital.

“This roller coaster ride of sudden success followed by disappointment will be hard on his fragile psyche,” explained Denise Stephenson, local book artist and writer of dystopias. “I worry about him. Far more than I worry about the Bulldozers. Baseball is just a game, but mental health, well, that’s something far more precious than a pennant or championship.”

A group of adolescents in the booth next to Stephenson responded to her statement with one of their own: a loud chorus of raspberries. (Had this taken place in NYC rather than Yuma, this reporter might have described the adolescent response as a Bronx Cheer.) Anna ordered Lauraine to bring the youngsters a round of sodas, on the house.

“No funny business in here,” Anna said. “Keep them happy, keep them quiet.”

It seemed to work as the adolescents sucked greedily on their straws and a fragile peace was maintained in the tiny restaurant.