Roberta Umor, Yuma Sun

May 7, 2018: Yuma, AZ  — Late last night, riots broke out in Yuma, Arizona. The last time Yuma experienced rioting in the streets was six years ago when the Yuma Bulldozers began their long slump into hell, losing their first six home games and eventually setting a PEBA record of 136 losses. 

But this time the rioting was caused by the Bulldozers’ winning. Nobody can remember the last time the Bulldozers were in first place after the first week of the season. Some believe it has never happened before.

“The Dozers always been losers, dude. This is like, like, like … something!”

“Yeah, what he said. It’s like un-presidented!”

Not all residents were as pleased as the inebriated young fans pouring out of the ballpark after the last home game. One homeowner agreed to be interviewed only after her anonymity was guaranteed.

“Losing is better,” she said. “The town is quieter at night. Safer too. Winning seems to bring the worst out in some people.”

With Yuma 5 percentage points ahead of Aurora in the Desert Hills Division of the Sovereign League, downtown businesses have experienced a sharp rise in customers in the last two days, including a favorite local dive, Anna’s Mexican Food on 24th St., where we ran into some folks willing to talk to us.

“Everyone seems to want to come downtown to find out if it’s true or not,” explained Mayor Alan Krieger.

“Yeah, no one can quite believe it,” chimed in local waitress Lauraine Palm. “I can’t. The bubble’s gonna burst and then what? This town’ll be more depressed than ever.”

“You gotta have hope, sweetie,” the owner of Bob’s Bar-B-Q said, trying to comfort the young waitress.

“Hope is what keeps you dirty old men going, isn’t it?” she said, snapping her towel at him. When she marched out of the diner, Bar-B-Q Bob followed.

“I don’t know where she’s going,” Anna, owner and manager of the restaurant, finally said. “Her shift ain’t over for another hour and a half.”

The general concensus of patrons in downtown, contrary to the anonymous home owner, was that winning was good.

“As long as the old GM don’t hear about it,” whispered Yuma’s renowned book artist, Denise Stephenson. When asked why, she explained, “I don’t think his heart could take it. He worked so hard to teach those young boys the virtues of losing and the inner rewards of accepting defeat that I’m afraid this sudden rush of success would just drive him over the edge.”