Yes, that is green slime in Alfredo Vega’s hair. For, you see, the entire Bakersfield Bears organization recently returned from a well-deserved Nickelodeon–themed cruise. The Bears certainly achieved a historic feat by winning the Alliance’s first back-to-back championships. And so GM Jon Rosenblatt rewarded this special bunch with a players-only, Norwegian cruise lines vacation, which he paid for out of his own pocket. Nevertheless, many players questioned the decision to take a family-themed trip without allowing the players to bring their families.

“This is not just a championship team; they are a bunch of champion-caliber whiners” said Rosenblatt. “I mean, I love kids, but we have 25 players that almost all have children. Norwegian doesn’t give much of discount and these things are pricey. Miguel Salinas has seven kids alone. I mean C’mon. Seven!! You do the math.”

Yet, in a puzzling decision that drew the ire of many Bears, the players were not even allowed to pay the way for their own children. “It was really uncomfortable telling my daughting, which she was wearing Dora the Explorer sweatshirt, that I was going to see Dora without her,” relayed Bob Adams. “But it was a lot of fun…she would have loved it.”

Bears pinch runner extraordinaire Jon Davis, hot off scoring the game-winning run in the final game of the series against Florida, was embarrassed to show up on the cruise with a full-length men’s winter white mink coat. “I thought we were going to Norway,” Davis said sheepishly. However, the Bear’s other backup infielder and roommate to Davis, Boyd Johnson, said that Davis was fully aware that he did not need a winter coat but that he wanted to show off the fur that he had treated himself to after the win. Davis claimed that he did not bring it to show it off, though he did admit that he got the fur at a rock-bottom price.

Once aboard the ocean liner, the Bears were suprised to be met by both Bears legend Pat Lilly and SpongeBob SquarePants. All of the Bears were honored to have the face of the Bears with them. But the honor was short-lived, for underneath the SpongeBob costume was none other than former Bear, and current New Orleans Trendsetter owner Jack Cobb! Befuddled that none of the current Bears players recognized him, Cobb was left to repeat, with increasing melancholoy, “it’s me!”

“There was a lot of love in the room,” Cobb inexplicably claimed. “I was really touched by the reaction when they saw me. They couldn’t believe that it was really me! Couldn’t believe it!” Video of the encounter, however, showed Cobb being continuously “left hanging” when he tried to give everyone an individual high five.

In spite of the high spirits, there was little talk of a three-peat on this trip. While the rest of PEBA was retooling and training for 2018, the Bears feared starting pitching staff of Hancock, Benjamin, Maese, and Burns was sitting in a hot tub with teenaged cast of ICarly. Sadly, there was no room in the tub for Anderson and Li, who had to return with their bathing suits, towels, and flip flops to their windowless room. They reportedely consoled themselves with reruns of “You Cant Do That on Television” and “Super Sloppy Double Dare.”

Rested and relaxed, the Bears are now looking forward to 2018. But if the Bears cannot continue their winning ways, fingers will undoubtedly be pointed directly at Rosenblatt. “It would have been nice if someone would have mentioned to me that cruises are notorious for their huge meals,” Rosenblatt chirped. “After the third day my guys started looking plump; now they’re just fat.” Rosenblatt focused his ire on the Bears already-overweight slugger Miguel Salinas. “Have you seen Manny? He came here weighing 249 pounds. I bet he left that breakfast bar this morning pushing 300!”

Although Salinas refused to comment, but his management team did offer a brief statement affirming that Mr. Salinas “does enjoy hotcakes.”