Excerpts from the recovery blog of Kimi “Nails” Fujita

March 7
Yeah, that’s me. Tough as nails. I got my nickname by decorating my fingernails like an over-the-top geisha girl, but those days are in the past. Now I plan to retain the nickname and to lend a different meaning to it.

I’m back at the Rising Sun House, which is an alcohol and drug rehab center built by the Naha Shisa. I’m sure that our general manager, Tom Fees, was the impetus behind building this place since it is well known that he is a recovering alcoholic and addict. He must really have the goods on the owner, Iyou Seigyoki, to be able to push him around the way he does.

Anyway, this is my second time here. The first question my counselor, Minori, asked me when they moved me from detox into the recovery unit was, “What is different this time around?” I told her that I came here willingly – nobody forced me to get help. She seemed pleased with that response. I guess willingness is an important part of recovery.

Minori suggested that I start journaling, and that’s what started me writing this. I didn’t tell her that I planned to publish it in a public blog on the net. She might not have approved.

Since this is going to be a public document, I suppose providing some background would be a good idea to fill in those that are not familiar with the League of the Rising Sun.

My name is Kimi Fujita. Yeah, I know, Kimi is a girl’s name. It was given to me by my mother, who wanted to have a girl to go along with my older brother. She got more than she bargained for – I was born with both male and female genitalia. My father talked my mother out of having a surgeon whack off my junk when I was a baby. He thought I should get to choose my own destiny. I am very grateful to him for allowing me that choice.

Still, my father did not intervene when my mother dressed me in all sorts of pretty clothes. “You were such a beautiful girl,” she told me all too often. I don’t suppose I looked so cute when I began to tower over most of my classmates in school. In spite of my mother, my father played catch with me as long as I can remember. So when I stepped out on the baseball diamond with all the boys, they didn’t raise too much of a fuss about me being a “girl” when I showed I was better than most. I remember my mother weeping again and again when I would come home with my dresses all torn to shreds from diving after baseballs and sliding into home plate. I quickly decided to start dressing in boy’s clothes, which felt way more natural to me.

It was rough growing up so different in a culture that valued conformity. I would not have gotten through it without my father’s unconditional love. He made it known that he would back me up no matter what I did, and I very much idolized him. I guess that’s why my life totally fell apart when he died in a boating accident last year. I held myself totally responsible for his death since I was the one to invite him to go with me to Winter Ball.

I started to drink heavily to try to drown out the pain of that loss. I got in with a fast crowd and soon would spend days at a time in drunken binges. When the Shisa finally located me a few weeks later in February, I was literally in the street, on my hands and knees, puking my guts out. They quickly threw me into this detox and rehab unit. I really wanted no part of it, but I pretended to go along and told them everything that I thought they wanted to me say so that they would let me out. I thought I had really fooled them, but it turns out I was only fooling myself.

By the time spring training started, I was in good enough condition to play ball, but I still went out clubbing every night, so I was never in the best of shape when I got to the park. It was this way all during the season, and I had a really crappy year. Still, I was the fourth overall pick in the 2010 draft, so I figured I had a long leash.

I figured wrong. When I read what Fees said regarding that big trade he made last November, I got seriously pissed. I couldn’t believe they brought in another guy to replace me. Nothing personal, but that Tabito Matsubara guy is slower than a quadriplegic turtle in quicksand.

Well, I allowed that news to send me into a complete downward spiral of self-pity. I turned to more than just alcohol and weed this time; I added powder cocaine to kill the pain. Unfortunately, I made the league minimum salary and could not afford that form of the drug for very long. In desperation I turned to one of my party “friends” who had Yakuza connections. He was able to get me a cheaper form of the drug called crack cocaine that had just recently found its way into the Japan subculture. Instead of snorting it, I would smoke it in a pipe. The rush it gave me was very intense and very psychologically addicting.

Soon, I found myself in rooms with some very scary-looking guys. Several of them had full body tattoos. We would all be sitting around a table staring at the guy with the rocks in front of him with only one thought in mind: “Gimme a bump!” That was only the tip of the iceberg in the deviancy involved in doing this drug, but I will not go into detail about all of that in this blog.

Finally, in late February, the last of my money ran out. Suddenly, my so-called friends disappeared. I found myself all alone in a cheap hotel room. I was coming off a three-day binge and my heart was pounding so hard I thought it would explode. I thought I was going to die right then and there and almost welcomed it. I had reached my bottom. Doing drugs was still a great source of shame in Japan. Now that I was a two-time loser, I knew I would be shunned by most people. I was also on the verge of losing my career and my life.

In utter despair, I literally cried out, “There must be something more to life than this! There must be a better way!”

I suddenly felt a wave of peace envelop me then and I seemed to be filled with light. I became aware of a feeling of unconditional love that seemed to come from everywhere and everything. I felt myself expand from within the limits of my body, and my own love reached out to include everything and everyone in the universe. I then realized that the source of love was not just my father but some sort of being that was everywhere and everything. Even though this experience only lasted a couple of minutes, I had found my higher power.

I knew then just what I had to do and contacted Fees in the morning. He drove me here to the Rising Sun House. I thought I might be in for a stern lecture from him, but there was none of that. He simply listened to my story. When I told him about the light experience, he had a look of joy on his face. “Kimi, your life will never be the same!”

I certainly know he is right about that.

March 28
Well, I’m about to graduate from rehab today. I’m trying not to be scared to walk out of these doors and into spring training camp, but it’s difficult. Very few people visited me. Jim (Bouton) and Shin did, of course, but the only teammate to stop by was Yoritomo. I think a lot of people were willing to give me one chance, but now that I’ve gone down the tubes the second time, they no longer trust me. My mother is one of those people. I’m having a hard time not hating her for this, but as they told me in rehab, we cannot afford the luxury of resentment in recovery.

Still, I’m mostly excited to report to camp. I’m getting cabin fever being stuck in the rehab facility, nice as it is. I’ve come to terms with the team’s acquisition of Matsubara and am ready to show everyone that my sophomore slump was an anomaly, not the trend.

April 4
Reporting to camp was very stressful. I put my best face upon things but I could clearly sense the forced reactions of support from most of my teammates, and some of the fans were just plain brutal. I’m not moping around like I did last year. I want everyone to see that it’s going to be different this time around, but I don’t think they’re buying it. I was told by the people at rehab that I would face this reaction, so I was prepared for it.

It’s about two hours before our first spring training game, and I’m typing this blog on my laptop at the park so I can publish my thoughts as they occur. The counselor was very correct when she said that journaling would prove to be helpful in sorting things out. She did not approve of me publishing in a public blog, but I decided to do it anyway. I am not ashamed of what I am or what I think.

I met my competition this morning. Tabito was, to say the least, not kind to me. He seems very intelligent, but he uses his wit to tear people down, not to build them up. He also doesn’t seem to work very hard at his craft, which is in my favor. When I saw the lineup today, I saw that I was playing at my usual position at third base and that he was at first base. They had Carlos playing second base, so it would seem that there is room for me this year and I will get a full chance to prove myself. I felt fortunate that they didn’t invite that power-hitting first base prospect Takahiro Ito to camp or else things could have become very crowded. I see this as a vote of confidence from management, and I plan to take full advantage and prove them correct for having faith in me.

Well, it’s time for batting practice, so I will report how the game turned out later. I want to thank everyone who has supported me, and for all you haters out there, I only hope you find your peace.