Rusty Knobbs, Bluegrass Roundup

12/15/2013: Kivalina, Alaska – Over a year after the devastating Kivalina, Alaska disaster, a pulse of promise can be found.  The dangerous storm caused the levy to break, which  forced residents to take up shelter for more than a year in The Sanctuary, home stadium of Yuma’s Short Season-A affiliate, the Kivalina Bowheads.  Yuma’s owner, Emma Span, is known for her kind heart yet tight grip on her purse.

In an attempt at charity, Bill donated a pallet of Jim Beam bourbon to the relief efforts.  The pallet was shipped via UPS Ground and was stalled at the Alaskan-Canadian border by the Alaskan State Police.  Evidently, you can’t ship alcohol into Alaska.  Never one to be one-upped, Bill will get his way.  Bill, with bottle in hand, embarked on a mission from… well… a mission from the darkest reaches of space, the final frontier.  But I digress.

Over the year that followed – a year of bone-chilling cold and heavy snows  for the shelter-ridden inhabitants – Bill and his cohort Sweeney made several attempts to deliver the goods to The Sanctuary.  Failing at every angle they could conceive, Bill finally had the solution to this year-long dilemma that plagued his many sleepless nights.  Out of modesty, Bill requested that this story go unpublished.  Only after much prodding and nagging on my part has Mr. Shatner agreed to let the world hear his story.

So here we are: 8 a.m., September 18, 2013, just over one year after the disaster.  As the homeless residents awaken to a lightly foggy morning, a beautiful sunrise slowly burns off the mist.  People are going about their daily activities in preparation for another day of cleaning and rebuilding their destroyed village.  Through the haze, one resident sees something odd and shouts to gain the attention of anyone who will listen.  A crowd gathers at the shoreline and the onlookers begin to see a strange shape rising from the sea.  “It’s a skyscraper!” one resident shouts.  “It’s an aircraft carrier!” yells another.  One little boy asks his father if aliens can make islands…

A few more minutes pass and the air clears.  The sight is so unbelievable… an Alaskan Cruise Line Luxury Liner is dominating the horizon just 1,000 feet from shore.  A series of dinghies come racing towards the onlookers.  Some of the people flee for the safety of the complex.  Others stand perplexed as the first dingy arrives on shore.  Dressed in the costume he wore in the 70s series Star Trek, Bill “Captain Kirk” Shatner struts ashore greeting the residents with Kentucky Thoroughbreds caps, each with a one-hundred dollar bill affixed.  Sweeney Todd follows close behind carrying a decanter of coffee and cups in one hand and a bottle of bourbon in the other, gifting this rare treat to all.  The other dinghies arrive carrying several members of the Thoroughbreds farm team from Barrow, Alaska: the Frozen Bullies.

The crowd grows rapidly as Bill greets each and every resident.  Bill raises his cup in a toast to his new friends.  Almost as if it was a choreographed signal, a transport helicopter arrives carrying a shiny new D9 bulldozer – a donation provided by Emma.  Bill continues his toast by inviting all of the residents to pack a bag and join him on the luxury liner.

The residents are running everywhere like ants scrambling in a mound of sugar.  The dinghies begin ferrying to and from the cruise ship.  People are amazed at what is transpiring before their eyes.  As they begin boarding and roaming the beautiful vessel, they can see this is not all that is in store for them.  Only a view from the navigation deck allows them to take in all that awaits.

This cruise ship is not alone… it is anchored along with three Exxon Mobil oil tankers, creating a floating island.  Beyond that is a sea of countless yachts and support crafts.  There are vessels marked with flags from all across the globe.  People from all corners of the world have come to support this tiny community.

The residents begin mulling around this floating fantasy of generosity.  Another shiny new D9 Bulldozer sent from the Bulldozer franchisesits idly by.  It puffs gray smoke from its’ stack as it warms up for rides for charity.  Palm trees have been flown in for the festivities to generate “that warm feeling”, and one-hundred or so monkeys scurry about, stealing snacks and chasing each other.  There are many more things to be seen, including countless faces of various famous and unknown people.

From a stage near the cruise liner, there is an announcement inviting all children.  Jim Varney himself is onstage, clamoring for the beginning of Ernest P. Worrell’s children’s tales and storytelling session.

At the far south end of this paradise is a large stage setup for the first of many concerts.  Pamela Andersen is talking with the band.  But not just any band… the one and only Mötley Crüe, who also played at Kentucky’s own Churchill 1 a few seasons ago.  They are scheduled to begin at noon, with Ozzy Osbourne emceeing the shows for the day.  From what I can tell, Pam is here to help the children by volunteering to be the dunkee in the “Babe-Watch” Dunk Tank.

To the untrained eye, this is definitely a paradise to be taken in, but all is not so perfect on this beautiful September day.  It’s 4:00 p.m. and the D9 continues to clatter it’s way as it around, pulling a sixty-foot flatbed trailer used to transport people around the island.  As it passes the DeKalb Sweet Corn concession stand, the driver is knocked unconscious by what appears to have been a thrown unshucked ear of corn.  The corn is piled up behind the concession stand away from the public area, so where did it come from?  The nightmare begins.

The monkeys attack the bulldozer and the people riding on the trailer behind it.  Corn is flying and monkeys are jumping.  People begin to roll off the trailer in hopes of finding safely.  Who knew that DeKalb Sweet Corn would make monkeys go ape?  The unmanned D9 continues clattering on its path towards the second stage at the bow of a tanker.  The ship’s whistle sounds and a warning is announced over loudspeakers to exit the stage area.  People are scattering, children crying, and the monkeys continue to party.  Bill and Sweeney chase after the runaway D9, but to no avail.  The dozer slams through the stage and continues over the bow of the tanker, down 200 feet into the chilly water.  A bubble trail is all that can be found afterwards.

Well, boys and girls, let this be a lesson to us all.  No matter how much you “want” to party with good intentions, DeKalb corn should be closely guarded at all times, and consumed in modest amounts only.