By Granville Price, Palm Springs Semaphore
December 6, 2012

The Palm Springs Codgers had a disappointing year on the field in 2012, but next year they are hoping to rise in the standings – by sinking.

How, you ask?  General Manager Denny Hills will explain.

“We’ve got a submarine,” he says with a proud smile.

At a news conference Thursday afternoon, Hills further discussed the matter.

“As you know, Mr. Bunner (Codgers team owner, eccentric billionaire recluse Hopkins Bunner III) has many contacts in both Hollywood and government.  He took advantage of those contacts to acquire the USS Sea Tiger, the submarine featured in the documentary Operation Petticoat – oh, don’t believe all that stuff about it being a fictional comedy, that’s all a government cover-up – for use by our team.”

The World War II-vintage submarine is 310’ long, carries up to 59 people and can travel at a speed of 21 knots.  It is also painted pink in color – at least according to some.

“For the last time, it is not pink!” exclaimed Hills.  His eyes seemed to moisten for a moment.  “Its salmon color created a natural synergy for us vis-à-vis the club’s uniforms and logos, making it an ideal vessel for transporting our team to and from baseball games.”

Ideal, that is, in all but one respect: neither Palm Springs nor most of its competitors are coastal cities.

“That is an issue we are aware of and are working with the league office to resolve,” said Hills.  “Eventually, we would expect them to raise the world’s sea levels so as to make it convenient for submarine travel to and from PEBA cities.  In the shorter term, however, we could get by with the construction of a series of canals across the country to each town in the Sovereign League.  I’d like to point out, for those who might balk at such an idea, that those canals could easily be used by other teams’ submarines as well as our own.

“Even on that, though, we can be patient,” Hills continued.  “After all, the Roman aqueducts weren’t built in a day.  Or were they?  Wait, I think maybe they were actually built in a day… it was just Rome itself that took, like, two days or whatever.  Am I right?  Does anyone know for sure?  Any Romans here at the press conference today?  Anyone?  Anyone?  No?  Well anyway, we are being just super-ultra-patient about this whole deal, I’m sure you’ll agree.”

The GM went on to outline the current plan of operations.  “For now, the Sea Tiger will be moored at Mr. Bunner’s private marina in Long Beach.  When playing most opponents, things will work as usual; we will fly there in our team plane.  When traveling to Duluth or Crystal Lake – they’ve got the word ‘Lake’ right in the name there, I’m sure it’s reachable by water – we will fly from Palm Springs to Long Beach, then from there take our submarine to the opposition’s city.”

A reporter asked why the team could not just fly from Palm Springs to Duluth or Crystal Lake as well.  Hills silently considered his interlocutor a moment, furrowing his brow.  “I don’t… really… understand your question.  Have you not been listening?  We have a submarine.  Why would we fly?”

Players and staff queried about the change had mixed opinions.

Left fielder Michael Smith seemed exuberant.  “We will be able to scope teams out through the periscope so they don’t even know we’re looking at them,” he said when contacted by phone.  “And we can finally stick it to the Russkies, just like in Stealing Red October!”

Manager Takeru Suzuki, on the other hand, decried the idea.  “I have no desire to travel in a conveyance which may have killed my countrymen in a past conflict,” he said solemnly, presumably referring to the US submarine war against his native land of Japan during World War II.

Hills was nonchalant about Suzuki’s comments.  “That Taki is such a kidder,” he beamed.  “He probably is just trying to make me feel bad so that I’ll let him drive the sub past his house.”