Manchester Boutique
Monday, October 1, 2012

Like Quetzalcoatl, General Manager Morris Cooley has immolated his old damaged self and emerged from the ashes to become the improbable hero of the Manchester Maulers baseball club.  Having displaced former GM and insufferable jackass Jeff Dudas (who now licks his wounds and plots his quixotic return to the PEBA from an Alaskan backwater) in a remarkable display of Machiavellian finesse, Cooley has guided the Maulers to the PEBA playoffs for the second straight season.  With a franchise-record 96 wins, his Maulers have secured their second Imperial League wildcard playoff spot.  These are, indeed, salad days.

Completely transformed, Cooley radiates even a new sartorial splendor.  He has traded in his comfortable Panama hats and Tiki shirts for smart pinstriped suits and expensive Italian shoes.  And, as I learned in a recent interview, all traces of the madness that formerly consumed his mind have been erased.  Cooley is, in a word, magnificent.  In a wide-ranging interview that ended the nearly five-year media blackout – to which your faithful scribe has been subject – Cooley discussed the past, present and future of the Maulers.  That the interview ended in bizarre rumors, recriminations and, eventually, verbal sparring with Cooley’s putative boss did little to erase the historic nature of the encounter.

L.H. Thompson: Morris!  Wow, it sure is great to see you again!

Morris Cooley: … [glares at Thompson]

LHT: Yeah, um, so listen: before we get started, I was wondering if you’ve heard anything from Snake Eyes.

MC: [disdainful] Who?

LHT: You know, Snake Eyes?  Snake Ey… um, Mitch White.

MC: [flash of recognition] That guy?  [broad smile turns into a chuckle] No, no.  I don’t know where he is.

LHT: He really got a raw deal from Dudas, don’t you think?

MC: Uh… no.

LHT: I’m just saying.  You know, it wasn’t like the cop was on duty, and I mean, come on; there were drag queens everywhere.  What else could he have done?

MC: Is that a question?

LHT: [deep in reflection] Huh?  What?  Oh, yeah.

MC: …

LHT: So, yeah.  Right?

MC: What the f*&^ are you talking about?

LHT: Snake Eyes!

MC: [deep breath] Hmmm.

LHT: What about León?

MC: [puzzled] Who?

LHT: Vicente León!

MC: Did he play for us?

LHT: phttttt! Did he play…!?!  Jesus, man!  I don’t believe you!  You’ve gotten too big for your britches!  You’ve forgotten your roots!

MC: [annoyed; looking at watch] Yeah, so listen: I’ve got this thing in a few minutes and…

LHT: [disgusted] Oh yeah, yeah, I see.  I get it.  You’re Mister Big Shot now, huh?  You’ve got more important things to do than talk to me, do you?

MC: Yes.

LHT: [exasperated] Fine.  Let’s talk about the current Maulers.

MC: Yes, let’s.

LHT: You’ve overseen a remarkable turnaround.  Could this have happened with Dudas as GM?

MC: [relaxes] Well, I don’t mean to badmouth Jeff Dudas…

LHT: You don’t have to badmouth him; the record speaks for itself.

MC: [smiles] Um, yes.  Well, like I said, I don’t mean to badmouth him, but we’ve taken a slightly different approach to roster and organization construction than he did.

LHT: You mean you don’t use The Method?

MC: Um, no.  We… ah, don’t use that.

LHT: Well, it’s a good thing.  That f(*k*^& Method was completely and totally useless.  He may as well have been throwing darts at…

MC: Yes.  As I was saying… we take a comprehensive view of each player’s strengths and weaknesses and then assess the best fit for both the player and the organization.

LHT: Ok, but admit it: You got lucky with Ed Williams, didn’t you?

MC: Um, well, anytime that a rookie hitter puts together this sort of a season, you feel pretty lucky.  On the other hand, we’ve always thought pretty highly of Ed.  We felt he had developing power and that it was just a matter of time until some of those laser beams that come off his bat turned into home runs.  So we’re very happy, but not completely surprised at what Ed had done.

LHT: Ryan Dawson?

MC: Same.

LHT: Nelson Ortíz?!

MC: Yeah, the same.

LHT: Hamilton Cole?!?!

MC: [impatient] Look: if we traded for these guys, then we liked them, okay?

LHT: Alright, fine.  Let’s move on.  What is Dudas up to?

MC: Jeff is doing, ah… important work for us in Wasilla.

LHT: That sounds like management-speak.

MC: …

LHT: …

MC: Um, he’s doing some advance scouting for next month’s opponents.

LHT: But the Wasilla season ended weeks ago!

MC: Look, he’s up in Alaska doing something.  I don’t really know.  Arturo [ed. note: Arturo Bruto, the principal owner of the Manchester Maulers] has him doing something.

LHT: Aren’t you worried about that?  The last time he and Bruto were doing something, you ended up with a new stadium!

MC: Yes, well… it’s an occupational hazard, I suppose.

[Cooley’s office phone rings]

Arturo Bruto: [on loudspeaker] Mo!?  What are you doing?!  Are you “keeping the home fires burning” for me?!  Heh, heh.  Oh, man!  If I had a dollar for every one of my sayings, I’d be even richer than I already am!

MC: [bored] Yes, very clever as usual, Artie.

AB: Hey, listen, did you arrange for that Beatnik to drop by yet?

MC: Yes, he’s here right now.

LHT: “Beatnik”!  Jesus!

AB: Huh?  Oh, alright.  Hey, how you doin’, Johnson?

LHT: “Thompson”!

AB: What?  Yeah, anyway… hey, listen: the reason we wanted you in today was to put something in the Boutique for us, right?

LHT: Don’t you have PR people for that?

AB: Nah, nah.  Those people couldn’t find their “as#$% with both hands”… heh, heh.  Did you hear that?  I did it again!  Ha!  “As#$% with both hands”!  Where do I come up with these, Mo!?

MC: …

AB: Um, yeah, so anyway… here’s what we want you to print…

LHT: I’m not writing a press release for you!

AB: Press relea…?  No, no, no.  We want you to insert a little tidbit in the “gossip pages”… heh, heh.  Are you keeping track of these, Mo!?

MC: [checking Blackberry] … un-huh.

AB: This comes from “highly-placed sources”, right?  So here’s what you write…

LHT: Jesus!

AB: “Confidential sources indicate that Bush, the greatest rock band in the history of Britain, will soon announce their long-awaited comeback tour!  Sources further indicate that the tour will indulge the band’s love of the American pastime, with performances occurring in select Planetary Extreme Baseball Alliance stadiums!  All parties are instructed to ‘keep an ear to the ground’ for further details.”

LHT: [growling] What makes you think that I’m going to do your bidding like a common lap dog!  I will not, repeat, will not indulge your unhinged obsession with a washed-up rock band!

MC: [giggling] In 3, 2, 1…

AB: [in full voice] Who are you calling “washed up”, you…you two-bit hack!  Bush is the finest – nay, greatest – band in the history of rock and roll!  Have you ever listened – I mean really listened – to “Machinehead”?!  It’s poetry, it’s art, it’s… it’s… sublime!  Why, Gavin Rossdale has more talent in one of his luxurious brown locks than you have in your entire scrawny, drunken, crooked frame of a body!!!

This nauseating discourse went on for some time, but allow me, dear reader, to spare you the rest of the foul details.  Instead, let me inform you – as you prepare to watch the hometown nine do battle with the Charleston Statesmen in the 2012 Imperial League Division Series – of the following important information from “highly-placed sources” in the Maulers’ front office:

“Confidential sources indicate that Bush, the greatest rock band in the history of Australia, will soon announce their long-awaited comeback tour!  Sources further indicate that the tour will indulge the band’s love of the American pastime, with performances occurring in select Planetary Extreme Baseball Alliance stadiums!  All parties are instructed to ‘keep an ear to the ground’ for further details.”