4/1/2012: Arlington, VA – …And they bring it back in a big way.  Masutaro Sato, the team’s high-profile free agent acquisition, has announced that he is purchasing a 2012 Bugatti Veyron 16.4 to share with his bullpen-mates.  The catch?  It can only be used to ferry the relievers to the mound from the bullpen during the game.

“I want us to have fun out there,” said Sato through his interpreter.  “I want the American fans to know that I’m here to win and have fun, and not just for the money.”  Indeed, some American media outlets claim that money was the only reason that the “Danger Man” ventured across the Pacific.  With this eccentric donation, he appears eager to prove that he can be a good “clubhouse guy”.

The bullpen door in right-center field has been expanded to allow the Most Expensive Bullpen Car Ever© onto the playing field, but GM Daniel DiVincenzo says the experiment will be on a short leash.  During a press conference yesterday, the GM said that any destruction to the field will lead to “takeover” by the front office via the hiring a professional chauffeur (the players are currently planning to drive each other out to the mound during games).  Sadly, doughnuts will not be allowed after a team victory, though I don’t think the grounds crew will lose any sleep over it.

– Beulah Tuttle of The Citizen