4/18/2011: Laredo, TX – At a hastily arranged news conference this afternoon, the Calzones were in damage control mode as they tried to address the Octávio Pexego incident.  Representing the Calzones at the news conference was Director of Media Relations Patricia Garza, as well as Calzones GM Matt Higgins, team lawyer I.M. Weasel, and the now infamous Octávio Pexego, thankfully fully clothed.

Garza opened the news conference by reading from a prepared statement.  “The Calzones organization wishes to express its deepest regret over the unfortunate situation this past Saturday evening.  We stand firmly behind the decision of the PEBA Commissioner to suspend Mr. Pexego for three games.  In our discussions with Mr. Pexego, we have made it quite clear that, while we understand the pressure of playing in the PEBA and the obvious disappointment at the Calzones’ slow start, we will in no way tolerate public displays such as was witnessed on Saturday night.  The fans of Laredo, the fans of the PEBA, and celibate nuns everywhere deserve better than the spectacle provided by Mr. Pexego.  We have been assured that Mr. Pexego understands the severity of his actions, and we have been assured that Mr. Pexego will be taking measures to correct his behavior and repair not only his image but the tarnished image of the Calzones as well.”

Mrs. Garza stepped from the microphone and took her seat at the table, ignoring questions shouted by the gathered reporters.  Stepping next to the microphone was the team lawyer, I.M. Weasel.

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.  The events of last Saturday evening were unfortunate, and Mr. Pexego regrets those actions, but…” the lawyer paused for a moment, “before we cast stones, it’s important that everyone see the full picture.  You see, Mr. Pexego has a problem.  He has an addiction.  He is absolutely addicted to being a jerk.  And as such, this being the United States of America, as long as he sheds a few tears and claims an addiction, he has to take absolutely no responsibility for his own actions.”

Those in attendance nodded and murmured in agreement.

Almost as if on cue, tears started streaming down Pexego’s face.

“Now,” the lawyer continued, “Mr. Pexego does wish to move forward and have his addiction properly treated.  So, with the agreement of the Calzones, Mr. Pexego will be attending an outpatient program at the Albert Belle Center for Advanced Anger Management and Impulse Control.  In our meetings with Mr. Pexego, the exact curriculum of seminars to be attended has been agreed upon.  In the handout being passed around now, you will find a list of the classes and seminars to be attended by Mr. Pexego in his attempt to overcome his addiction to being a first-class jerk.”

A quick browse of the course list showed that Octávio would be attending seminars taught by some of the worlds leading authorities on being jerks.

The list included the following;

“Holiday Fun for Everyone”, instructed by the center’s founder, Albert Belle.

“Healthy Relationships With Former Girlfriends”, instructed by Albert Belle, with special guest instructor Lawrence Phillips.

“Dressing for Success”, instructed by Janet Jackson, with special guest assistant Justin Timberlake.

“Political Correctness for the Inebriated”, instructed by Mel Gibson.

“Showing Warm Personal Affection Through Polite Greetings”, instructed by Dick Cheney.

“How to Handle Adversity on the Sports Field”, which is a 3-day seminar taught by Roberto Alomar, Milton Bradley and Ryan Leaf.

“Losing Gracefully”, instructed by Lou Piniella.

“Coming Clean; How the Truth Shall Set You Free”, instructed by Pete Rose, with special guest instructors Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens.

“Handling the Media with A Smile”, instructed by Sean Penn, with special guest assistant Kenny Rogers.

“Dining Etiquette at Sporting Events”, instructed by Mike Tyson.

“How to Make Everyone Love You in One Simple Interview”, instructed by John Rocker.

“Promoting Racial Harmony”, instructed by David Duke, with special guest instructors Louis Farrakhan and Al Sharpton.

The handout goes on to say that, in addition to the fine curriculum listed above, Mr. Pexego will be entitled, upon successful completion of the above core courses, to choose from amongst the following special elective courses:

“Defensive Driving”, instructed by Tiger Woods, or “Hunting Safely with Your Friends”, instructed by Dick Cheney.

The lawyer yielded the microphone at that point to GM Matt Higgins, who simply mumbled the standard, “We stand behind Mr. Pexego, yadda, yadda, yadda,” line we have all heard a million times before.

And with that, the news conference was over.  No statement from Pexego, no questions from reporters, nothing.  All we were left with was the handout, stale doughnuts, lousy coffee and an impression that Mr. Pexego is in good hands.