Wednesday, March 23, 2011
L.H. Thompson, Manchester Boutique

The bizarre events of yesterday’s press conference at Whiten Field, combined with last week’s leak of a confidential internal memo, have raised questions about the stability of the Manchester Maulers baseball club.  Indeed, the probability of behind-the-scenes intrigue has quickly emerged as the dominant takeaway message from the hastily arranged media opportunity.  What this might mean for the fate of the Maulers is unclear at best.

Observers were immediately surprised by the coterie of representatives who greeted local media.  Indeed, the two primary faces of the Maulers’ organization – enigmatic owner Arturo Bruto and incompetent General Manager Jeff Dudas – were joined on the dais by Head Scout Morris Cooley, whose appearance at such an event raised eyebrows.  Why was Morris here?  What could the presence of the only honest and upright individual in the entire organization – one who looked remarkably comfortable in the blue pinstripes that adorned his sports coat – possibly add to the carnival of half-truths, insinuations and bluster that were the hallmarks of such previous events?

These questions were, however, eclipsed by the even stranger set of interactions between Bruto and Dudas.  Bruto’s decision-making process since purchasing the franchise in 2007 has been, to be kind, inscrutable.  No decision, though, has been more baffling than Bruto’s consistent backing of Dudas.  No amount of putrid, stinking incapacity could shake Bruto’s confidence in Dudas, whom Bruto refers to as “Jeffie”.  Past events featuring the two have typically devolved into a sickening, maudlin display of fatherly pride and filial loyalty.  Yesterday’s event promised more of the same.

It was thus quite the shock to see Bruto shoot withering glances at Dudas as they entered the media room and took their places on stage.  As if to ward off the daggers coming his way from a clearly enraged Bruto, Dudas looked desperately around the room for support.  Finding none, he instead fixed his pitiful gaze on a dapper Morris Cooley, who followed Bruto and Dudas into the room.  Cooley walked upright with a cool confidence that I had not seen him display since before the horrific events of the last two seasons.  Those events, which had turned Cooley into a slobbering, drug-addled zombie seemed far, far away.

What follows is an unedited transcript from this seminally strange press conference:

Arturo Bruto: “Yeah, alright.  So when we scheduled this press conference we were planning to use the opportunity to make a big announcement.  A big announcement!!  Oh, man, we were so excited; me and Morris, I mean.”

Jeff Dudas: “Me too!  I was really excited too!”

[Bruto ignores Dudas.  Dudas looks dejected.]

Bruto: “Anyway, Morris and I were very excited about this big news.  Oh man!  We were going to amaze the world!  The whole world!”

Morris Cooley: “That’s right, Arturo.  We were going to.”

Bruto: “I mean, now, I don’t know.  I just… I don’t know how to tell all of you this…”

Cooley: “It’s alright.  Just tell it straight.”

Bruto: “Yeah, yeah, you’re right, Morris.  You’re always right.  So I know how disappointing this is going to be to everyone, but you may as well know.  Morris and I, we were going to announce the reformation of the great, great rock and roll band Bush!”

[Stunned silence.]

Bruto: “I know, I know.  It’s ok.  And to think, they were going to play the national anthem on Opening Day!  And that was just going to be the start!  A new album!!  A new tour!  Oh, the dulcet tones of Gavin Rossdale!  And I even heard that he was going to bring Gwen along on Opening Day!  She was going to throw out the first pitch!”

Cooley: “But it’s too late for all of that now.  He [points at Dudas] ruined it all.”

[Dudas sinks deeply into his chair.]

L.H. Thompson: “What in Jesus’s name are you two talking about?!”

Bruto: “Huh?  Oh, yeah.  Hey, is that you, Thompson?  Morris, do you know Thompson?”

[Cooley curtly nods at Bruto, then shoots Thompson a piercing look.]

Bruto: “Yeah, yeah, ok.  So here’s the story.  Now, this was a real hard sell.  To get the fellas from Bush to even talk to each other, I mean.  Well, Morris did some research and he found out that the only thing these guys really ever had in common – besides making awesome music, of course! – was a shared love of Japanese baseball.  Now, don’t ask me why: I don’t know.  I don’t get it.  Yeah, well.  Anyway.  So I figure – and here’s my genius, if I do say so myself – what if I can get a whole bunch of the best Japanese players and bring them right here to Manchester?!  Then, I could invite all of the guys from the band separately to come to Opening Day to meet their heroes.  And voila!  Just like that, they’d see each other again and then the magic would happen!”

Cooley: “It was a good idea, Arturo.”

[Cooley turns to the side and snickers.]

Bruto: “But, you know, it had to be a secret for this thing to work.  I mean, if the fellas from Bush found out about it, well, they’d be awful sore, I imagined.  They’d probably feel like they’d been set up, I imagined.”

[Bruto glares at Dudas.  Dudas sinks even further into his chair.]

Bruto: “So I told Morris, and I told Jeffie here, that they needed to keep this at the highest levels of confidentiality.  ‘Put it under the cone of silence!’ I told them.  Well, Morris… you can trust Morris.  Let me tell you about this guy!  Morris, oh man, what a great, brilliant mind.  I mean, you just don’t find guys like this every day!”

[Cooley looks smug.  Dudas looks horrified.]

Bruto: “But Jeffie, well, I just don’t know.  I mean, for something this important, I don’t know, if you can’t keep your yap shut about something like this… well, I just don’t know if I can trust a guy like that to run the Greatest Sports Franchise in the World!”

[L.H. Thompson snorts out a guffaw.  Dudas is positively manic.]

Dudas: “But I had to tell John!  I mean, come on, he asked me about Memoto!  What was I supposed to say!  I tried to tell him that I didn’t know anything and that he shouldn’t ask me!  Morris here, he just sat in a stupor!  John badgered me!  I had to spill the beans!

[Bruto is enraged.]

Bruto: “You listen to me, Jeffie!  John Rodriguez is not your boss!  You keep your trap sealed shut!”

[Various noises and blurts of confusion.  Video and audio end.]

What does the future hold?  Is Dudas on the outs?  Is Cooley the new face of the Maulers’ franchise?  The answers to these questions will surely be revealed in the next few days.