Saturday, March 5, 2011
by Koukyo Juunin, Naha Shisa correspondent (English translation)

In a bizarre twist of fate, it was discovered that beleaguered Naha Shisa GM Tom Fees was forced to take refuge in multi-millionaire catcher Masamune Matsui‘s fortress-like residence.

To my surprise, Fees and Matsui granted me an interview to explain how this most unforeseen of circumstances came about.

Juunin: I must say it is amazing that you two ended up sharing a residence together. Mr. Matsui, unless I’m mistaken, Fees insulted you in every possible way. He sent you a sword to commit hara-kiri with, he publicly denounced you as being lazy and unmotivated, and then he tried to get fans to harass you for money. How could you possibly bear to have this unprincipled gaijin live with you?

Matsui:  I wouldn’t call him unprincipled; he was just doing his job. My admittedly huge contract, which he was not responsible for, was jeopardizing his position as General Manager. Any Japanese man can relate to the struggle to maintain their career status.

Juunin: Still, there are some rules of etiquette which Fees clearly transgressed. Surely you lost face because of him.

Matsui:  Well yes, let’s talk about that. Money changes people. Fees taught me about the old American adage that life is like a crap sandwich… the more dough you have, the less crap you have to eat. Being a private person to begin with, it was easy for me to detach from the face-saving culture that our elders still embrace.

Juunin:  Yes, that very valid culture that I do indeed embrace… for very good reasons.

Matsui:  Indeed, we live on an over-populated island, crammed together like a bunch of sardines… politeness became a necessity.

Fees: Yeah, and in the meantime you guys stab each other in the back every chance you get.

(The translator did her job with a pained expression and relayed Fees’s comment to yours truly)

Fees: By the way, translator, do you endorse Stay Puft Marshmallows?

Matsui: (speaking English) Yeah, and with that face she could do the Japanese version of Ugly Betty.

(It looked as though we were about to lose yet another translator, so I slipped her ¥2,500 to get her to stay)

Juunin: It would seem that Fees has been a very bad influence on you, Masamune.

Matsui: That’s what you think. He’s actually very Zen… really doesn’t care what anybody thinks of him. I found that to be quite refreshing. Plus he shares my passion for The Show ’11. Fantastic game, which is why I endorse it!

Fees: Yeah, and I notice that you made sure that the game version of you wins the Saiyu-shu-senshu Award every time we play a sim.

Matsui: That’s not nearly the travesty of simulation as having the pitching version of you being able to strike me out even once. You have yet to take me up on my offer to try to strike me out in real life. The ¥100,000 prize offer still stands, but you have to do it during the pregame on Opening Day.

Fees: Yeah, well, if it wasn’t for the bursitis in my right shoulder, I’d it in a heartbeat.

Matsui: You’re such an old man… and a coward. (clucks and flaps his elbows)

Juunin: (I felt compelled to try to draw the once dignified catcher back into a semblance of sanity) Masamune, how did Fees talk you into letting him move into your mansion in the first place?

Matsui: Well, after he dumped all that salary last year, the fans really turned on him. This is a small island and there’s no place to hide. I felt more than a little responsible for his predicament, so I told him he could stay here. I’ve helped him fit in better into our culture and he has helped me to not take life so seriously. Plus I had to see the look on his face in person when he found out that I already was giving a huge portion of my salary to needy families. It was priceless.

Juunin: Well, you can’t be happy with the current state of the team. The Naha Shisa are going to be a cellar dweller for years to come.

Matsui: I am realistic in knowing that this will be my last year with the team. This will be my swan song. I got to experience the excitement of a playoff race last year and how many people have an autographed picture posing with Mr. Death?  Heckuva guy… he even told me that I wouldn’t be seeing him again for a long time. I noticed that he was giving you some odd looks though, Mr. Juunin.

I decided that was a good time to end the interview. I regret to say that Mr. Matsui seems to be beyond hope of redemption.

In front office news, the Naha Shisa signed former Shinkansan catcher Yoshimitsu Agano to a three year contract for $156,500 a year. He is deemed the heir apparent after Matsui leaves the team after 2011. The 31-year-old is a defensive star, but his lifetime .206 batting average and .590 OPS are a clear indicator that, as bad as things are going to be this year for the Naha Shisa, they will become far more abysmal in 2012.