Serenity Summers: News & Notes
Weekly Edition of 8-26-09

* Howdy folks, I'm back here again for another edition.  Boy, do I have a good one for you.  Today you will get a chance to hear from the tandem of A.K. & Nelly.  Nelly will give you some random thoughts on the Florida organization’s players, whereas A.K. will give you insight on state of the Florida franchise outside of baseball.  Before we get to A.K. & Nelly, I have some quick blurbs for you all.

* The biggest news of the week has to be season-ending injury to young pitching sensation Chris Saunders.  He tore his bicep just last Friday while throwing a ball to Alejandro Ortega in the top of the 5^th inning against the New Jersey Hitmen.  Prior to the injury, Saunders was 13-4 while not surrendering a loss since June.  Saunders joins Colin Rodmell on the 60-day DL.  Dave Cox will replace Saunders in the rotation, while Lewis Keys replaces his roster spot.  Florida has had their share of injuries this year.  Along with Rodmell and Saunders, Florida has suffered some long-term injuries to MR Darwin Craft, SS Kevin McNeill and recently traded SS Miguel Soto.

* September is almost upon us.  Usually this time of year, fans can get excited as teams bring up potential future big leaguers to the grand stage.  Florida fans should not get all that excited come this September.  From what I hear, there will not be any hot prospects getting a cup of coffee with the Featherheads this year (yes, this includes Douglas Bonsink, if that is what you fans are thinking).  Florida brass has indicated that their top minor leaguers who were ready have been up in the big leagues way prior to September.  Names include Darwin Craft, Dan Jamison, Dustin Moyer, Takanobu Murata and Bailey Hood.  That's quite an interesting list you got there.  You have two high-profile rookies in Craft and Jamison who both have not disappointed.  You also have veteran minor leaguers in Moyer and Hood who both have surprised managers and scouts alike.  You also have an unknown rookie in Murata who provided some unexpected contribution to the big league team.

Nelly Breaks Down the Florida Prospects & Players
Hey Florida fans.  It's your boy, Nelly!  I'm here to briefly give you my thoughts on the Florida organization and its prospects and players.  You know why they asked me to do this?  It's because I keep it real!  I'm not some corporate boy sellout.  I tell it how it is without the rose-colored glasses!  When we talk about Florida prospects, it all starts and ends with Luis "Digger" Torres.  The former high school standout had a so-so first year at Ewa Beach down at Short Season A-ball.  Alright kids, let's not lie here!  Torres had a terrible season last year!  The guy played like he was drafted in the 10^th round!  To make matters worse, he stunk it up even more this year down at Ewa Beach.  He was batting .230 thru July!  After a lucky August where he got 8 hits in 16 at bats, he got promoted to Class-A ball.

Talk about being spoon-fed with a silver spoon!  If it was up to me, I would have left him back down at Ewa Beach!  Anyway, he was stinking it up at Class-A, too.  I was about to call GM Kevin Lewis up and tell him to trade Torres ‘cause the kid's a bust!  But then something crazy happened.  In the last 2 weeks he batted .387 with 4 doubles and 2 triples along with a homerun.  He even scored 12 runs and walked 15 times!  What the heck happened there, buddy??  Well, apparently a "news story" from American Baseball Perspective leaked out about the origin of Torres's nickname.  Publicists and those close to Torres attempted to bribe ABP by agreeing to have Torres become a columnist for 3 years, host events and have his sponsors to advertise with ABP.  It was to no avail, as ABP published the story anyway.  So far Torres has refused to comment on the article.  Instead he has been letting his bat do the talking to the dismay of opposing pitchers.  Perhaps Torres feels relieved now that the story is out and he can finally concentrate on baseball.  Insiders within the organization have told me that the real reason why he was promoted to Mexicali of Class-A was to get him away from the Hawaiian beaches of Ewa Beach.  Good luck finding treasure in Mexicali!  Well, I'm sure you can find plenty of 9-volt batteries lying around somewhere.

Speaking of potential busts, what about the play of Nick Rose?  Or the lack of play from him?  The guy is hitting .137 in his first pro year!  I don't know how you can hit .137.  It's like the SATs…  Don't they give you like 300 points for writing down your name correctly?  I think they give you .100 points to your batting average for wearing the helmet flap on the correct side of your ear!  Who knows; maybe the kid likes long walks on the beach while following Torres around with a metal detector?  Kid, you better step up your game before you get traded!  Seriously though; with middle infielders like ”Ice Cold” Richardson and Kevin McNeill, good luck finding playing time at the big league level, buddy.

Since I mentioned Kevin McNeill, I would like to take credit for his breakout year.  I attribute his success from what I like to call my motivational speaking skills.  Remember before the season started?  Remember when I told the world at how much McNeill sucks?  I even called out his dad!  Look at him now!  He's having a breakout year all thanks to me!  He's been playing so well that Florida decided to ship out that overpaid shortstop to Omaha!

Fans always criticize me, letting me know that I am well too harsh on this team.  They call me "Negative Nelly".  Just for that, I will prove to the fans that I am no "Negative Nelly".  At this time, I would like to profess my man love for Douglas Bonsink.  This Dutchman from the Netherlands is the real deal.  He eats, sleeps and breathes baseball.  He does not have any publicists or gimmicky nicknames.  He's just pure business out there.  The kid has already jumped up to the AAA level in less than a year.  You know how he did that?  It was because the only thing on his mind is baseball!  When is he not thinking about baseball, do you know what he is thinking about?  He thinks about pitching!  I would not even compare him to Markus Hancock or even Chris Saunders.  If I was a scout I would compare him to Bobby Fischer!  Other than Bobby Fischer, the closest comparison I can make is one of those 10-year-olds you see on ESPN.  You know, that kid who can spell something like omnapea…  errr, onomapia…  grrrr….  onomatopoeia!  See Florida fans?  Nelly knows how dish out the love, too.

You wanna hear a joke?

Knock knock…

Who's there?

$13 million.

$13 million who?

$13 million you are not getting, Lawrence Wilson.  What a joke.  This guy here hitting .152 for Florida believes he is worth $13 million dollars!  I bet you when he was a kid…  he was that same kid who demanded $500 dollars rent when you landed on Baltic Avenue.  What a joke.  What's next?  Him and his agent gonna demand $25 million dollars a year?  He'll be lucky to get 25 cents from me.

Talking about clowns demanding tens of millions of dollars just makes me sick.  Shoot, I'll be happy if they paid me one million dollars.  This is sickening.  I'm outta here.

A.K. With the Rundown on the Florida Franchise
Yo baby, it's the only one and only A.K.!  I'm here to give you a rundown on the state of the Florida franchise.  I was lucky enough to get a chance to sit down with Featherheads owner Drew Streets, so I'll give you a summary on that, baby!

The new administration has had an interesting year on and off the diamond.  On the diamond, GM Kevin Lewis made big waves with the trifecta All-Star addition of Shimpei Adachi, António Rivera and António Delgado.  Talk about big waves, baby!  Grab your suntan lotion and surfboard because those waves are big enough to ride, baby!  According to some radio poll, this move bumped up fan interest by 4 points!  That's more of an increase than the recent presidential approval rating, baby!

Florida fans have been coming to the ballpark more often lately after that blockbuster trade.  For the year, attendance has been up 3.0%!  Owner Drew Streets has been quietly happy with the way Jacksonville and Florida has embraced the new-look Florida Featherheads.  Streets has promised to me that he aims to capitalize on this fan buzz.  Streets's notoriety in the cruise industry will definitely help Florida locals become more aware that baseball exists inside the state of Florida.  In fact, Streets's Royal Atlantic Cruise Line has been plugging Florida baseball feverishly.  I was on a 5-day cruise a few weeks ago and all the employees were dressed in Florida Featherheads t-shirts and hats!  They even placed mints covered in a Florida Featherhead wrapper on the top of my pillow case, baby!

The Florida brain trust predicts that Jacksonville will see an increase in their market share due to all this marketing.  This all nice and dandy, but Streets is not stopping there, baby!  In the words of Michael Jackson, “Don't 'Stop Till You Get Enough”, baby!  That's right, dudes and dudettes!  Streets promises he will not stop until he makes Florida the Mecca of baseball!  Forget about New Orleans, baby…  Jacksonville is the place where trends are set!  Streets looked me in the eye and told me that he does not intend to catch up to New Orleans.  He plans on surpassing them!

Acquiring 3 All-Stars and passing out Florida Featherheads mints is great and all, but Streets is thinking bigger, baby!  Miss Summers broke the news awhile back, but Mr. Streets gave me some more details on his plan to build a state of the art ballpark right in the heart of Jacksonville.  Mr. Streets has already decided the name of this new ballpark.  I will not spoil it and give the honors to Mr. Streets to reveal the name when he chooses to do so.  But I will tell you this, baby: the name will not even be close to some old hickory dock, Old MacDonald had a Farmer Field, baby!  It won't be some corporate name either.  So don't expect the new ballpark to be called Viagra Yards!  Mr. Streets has told me the new ballpark will be named to honor some of the indigenous people that once lived in Florida.  Drew Streets has also told me possible construction sites for the new ballpark include Jacksonville Landing or downtown Jacksonville overseeing the Bank of America Tower and Modis Building.

Getting a new state of the art ballpark would be a sundae to any Florida fan's dessert plate.  But what's a sundae without a cherry on top, baby?!  Well baby, Streets intends to deliver a cherry to the fans too!  Streets has informed me that when he took over the franchise and joined the Planetary Extreme Baseball Alliance fraternity of owners, baseball changed as we know it!  He is here to bring innovation to the sport, baby!  He won't tell me his secret but he promised a clever marketing ploy to boost division rivalries next season.  In recent rivalry poll, Florida was notably absent when mentioned of Dixie rivalries.  Drew Streets intends to change this next year.  You can surely bet that Nelly and I will be a part of this rivalry marketing campaign.  After all, look at how we ruffled the feathers when we called out writers and journalists of the Sovereign League on our radio show.

Well, that's all she wrote folks!  Let's get back to Serenity Summers with her closing comments, baby!

Closing Comments: There you have it folks.  A.K. and Nelly at their best… showing off why Drew Streets hired the two to be the media personalities for your Florida Featherheads.  With guys like Bonsink and Torres progressing in the minors and the shrewdness of Drew Streets, fans can expect Florida to be major players in the standings and media world for years to come.

Featherheads.com