8/7/2009: LAREDO, TX – The Calzones ownership group, led by Miranda Veracruz De La Hoya Cardinal, has taken on additional investors, it was announced in a press release late yesterday afternoon.

The ownership group, rumored to be in a cash crisis due to the recent economic downturn as well as bad investments with Bernard Madoff, have announced that they have sold a 49% stake in the team to a group that includes 80's hair metal band Mötley Crüe as well as the completely indecipherable Ozzy Osbourne.

The full text of the press release was nearly 37 pages but included the following highlights:

• In regard to the Calzones’ present cash crisis, it was noted that Mrs. Cardinal's adult bookstore business has been suffering in this economic downturn.  “As you might not realize, the porn industry is not sheltered from the effects of this economic downturn.  Porn is an up and down business, it comes in spurts.”  The release went on to state that her request for federal bailout money for her cornerstone business had been denied.

• Mrs. Cardinal's personal loss in the Bernard Madoff scandal is not as significant as has been widely speculated, but total loss is still expected to approach nearly 15% of her total net worth.

• The minority ownership idea was evidently first proposed and eventually brokered by Kentucky Thoroughbreds owner Bill Shatner.

• The deal was not exclusively a cash deal.  In exchange for their minority ownership, several business ventures have been entered into as well between the new minority group and Mrs. Cardinal.  Among the business deals included is a new Vince Neil Ink Tattoo Parlor to be opened at Elysian Field, as well as OzzFest and CrüeFest appearances at the ballpark each year.

• As part of the new ownership deal, the new minority owners will embark on a publicity tour to promote the PEBA.  The tour will kick off with an appearance in Kentucky tomorrow night.

• The Osborne's will produce a new reality TV show based on Ozzy's adventures as an assistant GM for the Calzones franchise.  Tommy Lee of Motley Crüe will also produce a reality show, though the format has yet to be decided.

For some observers, this seems to be an odd marriage between a PEBA franchise struggling with financial debt and a bunch of over-the-hill the rockers who know probably nothing about baseball.  The only connection, it seems, is Bill Shatner.  For many, that is enough to give them nightmares about where the Calzones might be headed.