7/31/2009: GLOUCESTER, MA – After being forced to don a work hat to help with the renovations to the Dockside Coliseum, first baseman Abel Montgomery was forced into non-baseball action this week when he was asked by owners Benjamin and David Fingerhut to write articles for the team.  “We need the exposure,” explained Benjamin, “and we’ve got about 7 years of education between the ownership, so I don't see us doing it anytime soon.”

A room at the Atlantic Oceanfront Inn was reserved for the .284 hitting infielder.  “He’s hit three homeruns in 299 at bats,” Benjamin continued, “so we’re not expecting much from him, maybe he can at least knock one of these articles out of the infield.”

When asked about his new “promotion”, Montgomery commented, “I took a few classes at Framingham State before I got my minor league gig, which makes me more educated than about 90% of the organization.  So I guess I’m the right man for the job.  None of them were in the English department though,” He forced out a smile before wiping away a tear.  “Maybe I can go to a Fishermen game when I’m in town.  I've heard they have a great new menu and it's fun for the whole family," he finished.

Montgomery has been playing this season in Double A Narragansett after having a cup of coffee last year for the major league club.  When asked what he is looking forward to the most about the writing job, a visibly anguished Montgomery replied, “I’m just happy to be out of Narragansett.  I don’t even know what state it’s in.  Hopefully my wife will be joining me,” before slamming the door to his suite at the Atlantic.  “…and they took out the damn TV?!” was heard behind the closed door.

This is the latest of many controversies in the Fishermen organization since the brothers took over last year that started with them no longer allowing player’s wives to attend home games last year.  Later in the winter meetings David Fingerhut and the Bakersfield Bears co-owner Jon Rosenblatt had to be physically separated over a spat that started when Rosenblatt complained about the continued tardiness of the brothers Fingerhut.  After sucking down 6 or 7 Fishermartinis (a new addition to the luxury box spread at $22 a pop), David broke down.  “Where’s Rosenblatt now?  Is he here?  Is he going to narc on me today for drinking one of these delicious Fishermartinis?  Hey Jon, try not to tattle on me on the way home.”

Despite the controversies the Fishermen are right in the thick of the playoff hunt, which many thought would be impossible after losing their superstar Vicente Bernal first to the Ghosts in Japan and now to the Charleston Statesmen.  A lot of credit goes to free agent pickups Gregory Arnold, who is batting .304 with 27 long balls, and Andrew Sepkiechler, whose 1.22 ERA and 19 saves has helped shore up the back of the bullpen.  “I’ll tell you one thing: Seplecher… Spelchlicher… Strawplitcher… Andrew S. has been a great pickup,” Benjamin said when asked about the prospects for the rest of the season.  “I’ve offered him $500,000 to change his last name.  I mean, come on, who has that kind of name anymore?  It’s 2009; wasn’t that supposed to be taken care of at Ellis Island?”  No word of whether he’s accepted the offer.

It has been suggested that the real tension between David Fingerhut and Rosenblatt stems from Sepkiechler’s signing in the offseason where he took a lot less money to come to the Fishermen.  “What can I tell you; we’ve got great schools here,” a drunken David Fingerhut continued, “and Andy’s agent told me that he hates playing for tattle-tales… and frankly I don’t blame him.  Who wants to play for a tattle-tale?  The ball is in your court, Mr.  Rosenblart.”  Fingerhut then finished his Fishermartini and promptly vomited before mumbling incoherently and passing out.

Look for the first of several articles from the solitary and .398 slugging, Abel Montgomery in the coming days.