4/5/2009: Bakersfield, CA – Jonas Field, the cozy stadium of the Bakersfield Bears affectionately known to the Bears’ faithful as "The Chocolate Factory" (because it is a place where childhood dreams come true) will become a little less cozy – but a lot more chocolaty – as the Bears add an additional 5,000 seats prior to the 2009 campaign.  But the stadium expansion was not without controversy.

The plans – which were hand drawn by Bears owner Jon Rosenblatt and unveiled last October – included 5,000 new seats shaped like gumdrops (the area, in dead center, is now identified as “Gumdrop Lane”).  In addition, the section was planned to feature a glorious new chocolate waterfall mimicking the waterfall at Kaufman Stadium, home of the old Kansas City Royals.  Additionally, the seats in Gumdrop Lane were to be edible and the waterfall was to be the source of chocolate for the Bears’ newest gimmick: all you can eat fondue.  Over the winter, however, the plans were put in serious jeopardy after a fairly nasty legal battle with local healthy-living activist Telly Sneed.

This is of course the same Telly Sneed who has spent his life emulating the look of his hero Richard Simmons, and who recently gained international fame when he intentionally gained over 600 lbs. in hopes of entering and winning television’s game show “The Biggest Loser”.  As was recently covered in this paper’s Metro section, Mr. Sneed’s application was rejected not only by The Biggest Loser; he was thereafter refused entry (and ultimately subject to multiple restraining orders) in the 14 different spin-offs of The Biggest Loser program all across the globe.  No need to rehash the story, but suffice to say Sneed will be unable to travel to Moldova, Belarus, Mali and six other countries if he wishes to stay out of prison.  Though Mr. Sneed failed at his initial goal, he found a small amount of worldwide fame after his audition tape (which included a delightfully whimsical version of The Sound of Music's, "How do you solve a problem like Maria?" remade to be sung, "How do you solve the problem of where my neck went?”).  The lasting vestige of this fame may be found in a recent documentary regarding Sneed’s quest, titled “The Biggest Loser of Them All”.

However, Sneed (who has yet to shed any of the extra baggage) and his intention to remain on the national stage – though now as a weight-loss guru and “Deal a Meal” pitchman – recently ran smack into the Bears’ desire to expand.  At a November 2008 press conference, Sneed whispered to reporters (out of breath and in between bites of a Roman Burger), "It actually isn't as easy as it looks on TV – I never knew how hard it was to lose weight.”  Sneed’s concerns with the expansion seemed to center on the fact that his own season tickets would place him in Gumdrop Lane and only four seats away from the Chocolate Falls.  To Sneed, this not only sends a bad message to the kids, it would make it impossible for him to lose any weight.

Rosenblatt, who has seen his popularity increase after his recent re-signing of Jude Pew (and fans' willingness to finally forgive him for trading away Jack Cobb), was desperate to avoid bad press at all costs and immediately entered mediation with Sneed.  In December, after a few hours of negotiations, a lot of tears and a few hugs, the two men walked out the meeting with an agreement.  The seats will no longer be edible, and though the Chocolate Falls will be ready by Opening Day the fondue idea has been put on permanent hiatus.

The Bears are hoping that, despite scaling back their plans of offering Bakersfield fans some of these sweet goodies at new Jonas Field, many of them will flock to get a chance to see a lineup of Pat Lilly and Jude Pew together.  Bears management is considering marketing them as the new "bash brothers" but without all the drama, the steroids, the sweet armshake and the beautiful hair.  Additionally, word is that Bears management has banned Madonna from park grounds.

The Bears also addressed the loss of Closer Andrew Sepkiechler by recently adding to their bullpen.  Although they will miss his 31 saves, they will not miss his prima donna attitude.  At 5'9" he compensated for his height with an exploding ego.  He would prance around the bullpen like royalty, reminding everyone he was the highest paid and best looking reliever on the team.  "He will not be missed,” said Lupe Núñez, the team’s volunteer masseuse (while it may be an understatement, Lupe was not fond of Mr. Spekiechler’s frequent request for a full hour warm butter foot massage before every game).

Sneed could not be reached for comment.