4/5/2009: Laredo, TX – Chaos erupted in the Federal Courthouse in Laredo late yesterday afternoon when former Vice President Dick Cheney became enraged at his own lawyer and shot him in the face.  Cheney was quickly escorted from the building by the secret service and an accompanying entourage of heavily armed and completely deranged Blackwater security guards.  At this time, Cheney has still not given a statement to police, and his whereabouts are unknown.  Speculation is rampant that the cowardly former VP is presently in an underground bunker.

Cheney took the stand yesterday as a witness in the LSA's lawsuit against Wesuk, Inc.  Wesuk is a division of KBR, a former subsidiary of Halliburton, the famous war profiteers.  As former CEO of Halliburton, including during the time when the original Elysian Field contract was awarded to Wesuk, Cheney is believed to have pertinent knowledge of the details of the contract, as well as details that may prove suspected fraud on the part of Wesuk.

During 8 hours of testimony, the former VP was at times defiant, at times painfully stupid, and at others he was completely out of touch with reality.  Early in the day he attempted to avoid answering questions by claiming "executive privilege" as a member of the executive branch of government.  When reminded by the judge that he was no longer the Vice President, and that "executive privilege" did not apply, he claimed to be a member of the legislative branch and as such he was claiming "legislative privilege".  The judge then told him that he had no privilege at all in his court room, at which point Cheney belligerently declared that he worked "on the dark side, if you will," and therefore he could claim any privilege he wished and no liberal would have the balls to dare challenge him.  At that point, the judge informed the former VP that any further refusal to answer questions would result in a contempt of court.  Cheney responded by sobbing like a little girl and pointing the finger at Scooter Libby.

Midway through the morning session, the former VP was asked several questions referring to the plans and blueprints for Elysian Field.  The following exchange occurred:

LSA Lawyer: Mr. Cheney, could you please respond to allegations that Wesuk, Inc knowingly put urinals in the wrong locations at Elysian Field?

Cheney: The information regarding the placement of urinals is classified top-secret.  I can't comment.

LSA Lawyer: You are claiming that the placement of urinals is top secret?  That's absurd.

Cheney: We are at war.  If we tell the terrorists where the urinals are, they will know where to do their dirty deeds.

The judge had to call a five minute recess to restore order after that exchange.
But the real mayhem began late in the afternoon session, when he was asked repeatedly about the illegal wiretapping of Calzones owner Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal.

LSA Lawyer: Isn't it true that you, in your position of vice-president of the United States, approved the illegal wiretapping of Calzones owner Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal, a United States citizen?

Cheney: There's no such thing as an illegal wiretap.  The government can do as it damn well pleases.

LSA Lawyer: Mr. Cheney, did you approve of this wiretap?

Cheney: She's a traitor.  She gives money to groups that want peace.  Code Pink, MoveOn.Org, you name it.  PEACE!!  Can you believe that?  PEACE??  Nobody wants peace.  Why dismantle your army and hand out no bid contracts to your cronies in the war profiteering business if you can't terrorize some third world countries for years on end.  PEACE.  She’s crazy, a traitor and she had to be discredited.

LSA Lawyer: Did you approve of the illegal search of her office and residence?

Cheney: We were just trying to get that drag queen Rudy Giuliani some new panties.  Sort of a “thank you” for his 9/11 Tourette’s and his keeping fear in the public mind.  Because as you know, the republican party has no real platform, other than fear and hate.

But the highlight of the day came as court adjourned for the day.  After entering the hallway, Cheney pulled a pack of Camels from his pocket and proceeded to light up.  When his lawyer approached to remind him of the no smoking policy, Cheney became enraged, grabbed a holstered .45 from a Blackwater security guard, and shot his lawyer, Seymour Butts, in the face.  Butts was taken to a local hospital with a non-life threatening wound to the jaw.

Local police have not filed charges in the case yet, nor have they named Cheney a suspect despite dozens of eyewitness accounts.  At this point, they have simply referred to the former Vice President as "a person of interest and someone who scares the hell out of any intelligent person."